Friday, March 20, 2009

Beauty & Sex Appeal. Hmmm - well I think it's possible to have both, but both qualities are so dependent upon the eye of the beholder, how the beholder "interprets" the terms & how the person being "judged" feels the moment that the qualities are" "measured". It's definitely possible and likely for a person to embody a strong "dose" of just one or the other though - rarely both.

In the world of adult entertainment both Beauty and Sex Appeal are important to a degree, but I've come to realize after my mere 30 something scenes, that it's a woman's willingness to completely and freely share her inner understanding of her own sensuality, sexuality and her understanding of a "mass mentality" of a man's desires (as to how most men envision her in a "no hold's barred" sexual situation) that truly makes a "top" performer to both studios and the porn consumers/fans.

Some women have the ability completely & freely share themselves as I just described - just look at a lot of the "top" performers - most have pretty unconventional - hell even questionable physical "beauty" but all definitely have a heavy dose of sex appeal, sensuality, and craziness (mixed with a possible past of major dis function) in their performances. I personally think that it's great, hot and in actuality a true "talent" - but unless you simply have a lot of energy that isn't being directed into other major endeavors - or another significant person in your life, it's got to be pretty draining.

Most likely I will never be a "top" adult performer for the "mass male mentality". Why?'s because I've reached the point now of which I am too selfish when it comes to the energy I'm willing to spend as a performer on a scene with a male or female talent that I have just met. I'm not willing to be free with anyone and everyone any longer. I could BE free for a while, but now I just don't want too. I can ACT free - yes, but acting isn't the same as "BEING".

Overall I am probably more free and adventurous than many women - but God didn't design me along the same lines of the best of the best pornstars (and I'm ok with that). Though I may rank well on the "beauty" end of things (well not to EVERYONE - I've definitely been rejected by enough coke-head jokers in the biz - I will write a blog about some of my experiences with that another day - I might even name names and quote things I heard - hell why not?), when it comes to my "Sex Appeal" or maybe I should say overall sexuality and sensuality - I'm entering a stage in life of which I want to save my physical sexual energy encounters for someone I truly feel close to psychologically and emotionally - yep I guess I'm just a romantic sap now days.

By nature I'm definitely a "people pleaser" as I love to entertain and make those around me (or who watch me and/or what I do/create) smile. However I'm the type of person who only does what she truly feels good doing at any given moment for the most part and I'll always be that way. I'm beginning to feel that though I enjoy my "porn life" it's probably coming to a close as a performer with the exception of content for my own websites, solo performances and a very few select projects.

Yes, what I feel good doing definitely changes as I age and move through life (though I have no regrets), and yea - initially when I entered the adult world I felt driven to be one of "the best", but as of now - I just want to gear my "Monica Foster" life to be something that is fun, entertaining, satisfying and interesting to those who happen to think that the girl & woman behind Monica is cool - and not to those who are out to see the "hottest piece of black pornstar ass out there".

Over the next few weeks I'll be adding a lot of content to my site that is probably more of "the girl behind Monica Foster" than who I initially felt "Monica Foster" would become. I'll also be dedicating a lot more of my energy and time to the endeavors, personal life and goals the girl behind "Monica Foster" - so it'll be interesting and entertaining for some of you out there to watch, but probably not to the general masses of "porn fans" :)

I love porn. I always have and always will and lately I've been watching a ton of it (I love you I'm a "fan" for sure - I'm possibly even a "fan" who decided to just step in front of the cameras for a while but who in the end - has found that being on the other side (behind the cameras) was the better place for me personally all along.

Am I "retiring" from porn - nope - I'll be around here and there. Am I "giving up" - hell no. I'll most likely always work in the adult industry in some capacity - I'm just retracting a bit back into being what I began as - an artist, a cam girl, a writer and a geek.

Well, actually I began as a computer programmer/tech and a stripper - but I don't feel like going that far back at the moment or writing any more on this blog right now :) Starting tomorrow this blog is going to become a bit more "everyday journal" like - I think it's become too over-saturated currently with my self absorption. See you on webcam!