Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I haven't posted in a while, but truthfully, if I had it probably would have been a very boring read, as my life is relatively uneventful as of current, which really isn't too bad of a thing.

Last week was a bit of a vacation (deserved or not) - I managed to get my hands on a 4:20 treat and managed to find my way to the bottom of the bag by Sunday evening.

I don't think drug abuse on any level is OK, however I'm not so certain that a 4:20 getaway is exactly a "drug abuse" situation - for me it grants me several windows facing alternate perspectives of my life, others lives and just situations overall.

I've come to the conclusion that I worry too much. In fact I worry so much that my worrying often blocks my paths towards achieving certain goals in life I have. I suppose being a "worry wart" has saved me from certain negative situations and circumstance in my life - so maybe worry isn't even the right term - I should probably say I'm simply overly analytical (but hey, we are who we are, aren't we? LOL).

I don't anticipate living in Los Angeles beyond the month of September. Though I'm not leaving the city with Jenna Jameson or Tera Patrick status (which initially was my goal - until I learned the price you had to pay to achieve it) when it comes to "porn world" - in the words of JayZ, I will say "I came, I saw, I conquered."

I did as much as this industry and the people who hold the reigns would allow me to do - hell I did more than was anticipated considering my web and self marketing expertise (mixed with a little common sense). I built a broader and stronger and much more stable foundation for "Monica Foster" , and now I can take her (along with her offshoot characters) to the next level - which most likely won't be rooted in the adult entertainment world.

It's funny, a long time fan and friend of mine today instant messaged me saying something along the lines of "why hasn't any studio marketed you or worked with you more considering everything you bring to the table - you're smart, well spoken, and very pretty without all the plastic surgery or glamour". That was an awesome compliment, however I know why and I told my fan/friend why - it's all due to fear.

Not fear on my part - I embody probably to little fear for my own good. It's fear on other's parts. I'm not your everyday "porn chick". Why? Because as I've stated in my blog before, I have no tolerance for wannabe Alpha, beta bitch boys. Yep. Many who hold the reigns on the porn carriage are unfortunately disgruntled beta men who surround themselves with beta women in order to feel better about themselves. I was actually very disappointed to find how the real porn SUPERSTARS (female and male) were in fact nothing more than glorified slaves. It's not in my DNA to be a slave.

I've come to learn that you can't fake certain things in your DNA or overall nature. The beta men in porn world could smell me coming from a mile away, and it made their dicks go limp - LOL.

In fact, if anyone reading this who may want to book me for any projects (adult or mainstream) - please do so entirely directly through my website - I'm no longer with being that my photos are no longer on their site. They were a good agency, as was but they and I have realized I outgrew them long ago.

I'm lucky to have been granted by God, the universe and whatever other powers that be 3 specific gifts. The gifts of empathy, kindness and the the gift of drive. The more time I spend on this planet the more I've come to find that the 3 traits I just mentioned rarely go hand in hand.

When I look back on my life, I've forgiven many people that others wouldn't have found the kindness or compassion to forgive. I've let bad deeds done to me by others go without seeking vengeance - I've come to realize now that I might be as I am primarily do to the fact that I don't want to waste the energy that I could funnel into my drive to succeed on people who are essentially a waste of space (in my view at least).

The only negative thing that I've found about having an extreme drive, is that sometimes those you meet along the way on your path, you have to say goodbye too - not forever - but often times for a while.

A good new friend of mine who writes and maintains an AMAZING blog on conveyed to me the other night while we were hanging out about how the drawback of meeting other cool and interesting women is that eventually they leave to chase another adventure. I agree with her feelings - however an interesting woman (at least to most - maybe I should say an "eclectic woman") is typically a woman who's worldly and who's lead a bit of a crazy life.

My life has definitely been crazy and full of adventure - but you can't expect much less considering that I come from pretty crazy stock.

On my father's side, I come from African immigrants - my great grandfather was a Moroccan sailor of Arab decent who married a woman from the Ibo tribe. They jumped a cargo ship at some point, made it to Trinidad, and then later settled in New York where they raised their family.

My mom's side is equally as crazy and adventurous - my great grandparents on her side are an eclectic mix of African Americans and Native Americans - for them to have survived slavery and colonialism you know damn well they were bad asses. My grandma was a bartender - I have a feeling she wasn't much different than myself (she was quite the looker).

So I guess to conclude this blog, I'll just say coming out to LA and entering the porn industry was crazy. Living within, meeting others within, learning about and writing about the porn industry was the adventure. Moving on now and creating a world of my own (well more of a collage of my own) comprised of everything I traveled out to Los Angeles with and a few select pieces I've decided to bring with me is the current challenge however.

For me being a real woman, is being a female human being who knows herself, who's comfortable being solo, who's just fine and functional living independently and who's comfortable a part of a couple of which she is 100% certain her partner is right for her.

I moved here a girl. I'm leaving here a woman. A real woman - not a wannabe one. I'm happy about that.

When I move from here, I will definitely be writing a book - along with a mini-series which is currently in the process of being written :)

Here's a nice song for you readers out there which expresses about where I am vibrationally at this point in time and space.