For those of you who haven't been keeping up with my show "Monica @ Home" (www.MonicaAtHome.com) - here's some select broadcasts to bring you up to speed. Remember the show is every weekday at 6pm PST (and it's free).


Monica Foster @ Home


Monica Foster @ Home


Monica Foster @ Home

Well, here's another rather abstract blog for you, my lovely readers - but for those of you who know me well - you'll know exactly what I'm writing about and what this particular blog relates to (it's really not so abstract after all).

I get it.

I'm awake.

When doors close, others open.

Opportunities present themselves when you least expect them to,

but always when you're really ready.

Someone told me last night, "You need to get over it." - so true, and that's a piece of advice I'll be living by eternally - starting....now.

I'm awake.

I'm ready to explore.

Thanks.

So what's next?

Last night's mini-dinner party was a success! I really enjoy cooking soooo much. Especially when it's cooking for good company and a bottle or 2 of wine is thrown into the equation as well.

It's been a relatively good week. I've managed to have maintained a nice balance between work and fun time (even though quite often my work IS fun time - lucky me), which is something I really want to strive to do the remainder of the year.

I re-read my most recent blog today, and I've come to a realization (actually one of my dinner party guests last night helped me to reach this realization as well). I don't miss my ex romantically at all - and when it really comes down to it, I'm not certain I even miss his "friendship" because he was never really a REAL friend. I just miss the ideal of what I wanted him to be, and what I wanted the relationship with him to be - which in reality was just a dream and not even close to being real at all.

I have enough fantasy and role playing in my work life with my cam shows - I want any future romantic relationships I have to be real - not an intangible dream.

Zinfandel wine - I enjoy it so much - the flavor, the overtones of the flavor - but most of all the raw emotional honesty that it invokes from within me.

This particular blog will probably give off the vibe that I'm a weak, overly romantic, overly sentimental and an overly obsessive person, but so be it.

I miss my ex - like the desert misses the rain - literally.

It's interesting - since the "breakup" (or more like my inability to understand his actions) I've had a buffet (more than qualified by my standards) of men approach me and offer to date me. If I were many of the the other women on this planet I'd be more than happy to try out the alternatives - however I'm me, the woman who created "Monica Foster", a stubborn ass (Capricorn) bitch.

I'm not perfect. I know in my rants in previous blogs I've painted myself as the "victim", but I'm far from being innocent. However I tried. I believed that the relationship could work if I and the man of my ultimate affection worked hard enough and sacrificed enough. I hate being such an idealist, but that's simply who I am, and there's noting I can do about it.

It's been a solid month now since I've last heard from him. It's 12:30am right now on April 15, 2010. I suppose he's moved on. Maybe he's glad and relieved to be rid of me. That thought kills a part of my being, but if that's the case, so be it, and I truly hope he's happy. It's not in me to truly wish "ill will" upon anyone - especially him. I wish the best for everyone that I love and / or ever have ever loved.

I supposed I simply wish I'd had some closure on this past relationship. Truthfully I don't want it to be over. A part of me wants him back. So much happened that I won't go into ever on this blog. A good new friend of mine who's young, but who is very mature helped me come to some understandings in regards to myself and in regards to what happened between my ex and I. Right now I hurt so badly, but maybe in time I'll get over it. I just need to come to some understanding as to what exactly I need to get over.

One of my major faults - I'm a jealous person. It's a fault yes, but sometimes justifiable.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to open my heart again to anyone else to be honest. I realize now that though I think I'm a cool and great girl, I'm just not the personality type for everyone - that was the case with the man I fell in love with. He's not at fault entirely - and neither am I - however I did want an unrealistic ideal that simply didn't (I don't think at least) exist within him.

I'll miss him always, and I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward - I know eventually I will being that I've made progress so far, but I'm not sure how I'm going to complete the process...yep - I'm weak.





I don' wish how I feel, or how Kesha illustrates how I feel in thw song above, upon anyone on this earth - ever.

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The sequel to Monica Foster - www.MightyAfrodite.com as many of you know, has taken much longer than I'd anticipated - a couple months longer in fact - however there's a reason as to why.

When I first started the project / venture , it had a completely different concept and meaning attached to it than it does now. I've decided actually to split the project into 2 parts - www.MightyAfrodite.com & www.MightyAfroDiva.com - once the sites are launched you'll see why this was necessary.

It's amazing as to how something as simple as the natural African-American hair texture can evoke such a strong reaction in people. I decided to test out the MightAfrodite/MightyAfrodiva look tonight on webcam. I've received extreme positive reaction from my webcam viewers and extreme negative as well. Later in life I may have to write a psychological analysis in regards to this project/venture.

Anyways to all my loyal fans and friends, later this month you will be in for a treat so stick with me - in the mean time enjoy the Mighty Afrodite preview weekend :)

It's 5:42am and this isn't a blog being written from me staying up all night. I actually went to sleep early last night, slept VERY well and naturally woke up early today.

Yesterday was an interesting, yet overall nice day. I did my usual daily webcam shows, updated a few pages on my websites, did a short abdominal workout (hey summer's coming and I want to look good in my bikini at the beach), and in the evening had a really nice dinner with Julie Meadows and her husband.

The dinner was the highlight of my day (GREAT tasting salmon and asparagus with a lovely red wine - yummmmmmmmm) - as many of you know I don't get out of the house too much, and when I do, it's rare that it's to hang out with people that I find truly interesting, driven and nice. If I knew more people in LA like Julie and her husband I actually wouldn't be so quick to want to relocate.

On the way to have dinner with Julie I unfortunately was rear ended by an overly hyped up, yet attractive guy in a Mercedes. It wasn't a big deal and there was no damage to my already beat up SUV so I won't be filing any reports. I love my beat up SUV - it's tough and it's taken good care of me on my cross country drive from FL to CA back in July of 2008. Since I've lived here it's struggled but has lasted. I think my SUV and I may be strongly connected :)

Well I think I might go for a run this morning. I need to expel some energy. See you all on webcam today and tonight! Also don't miss my half hour free broadcast of Monica @ Home on http://www.blogtv.com/People/MonicaFoster

The lovely, intelligent and fun Julie Meadows interviewed me for her latest documentary project a couple months ago. You can watch the 6 part interview here:

http://www.MikeSouth.com



New post on www.GettingOutOfPorn.com entitled:
Rethinking my choice of not performing for other studios.

It's only the beginning of the week, but already I'm a busy busy bee.

I've created a financial plan for myself which I will try my best to stick to over the next couple of years. If all goes according to my plan, I should be in a strong enough position monetarily to not only put out my first "Monica Foster" branded release at the end of this year, but to also put a down payment on a condo or townhome as well. Cross your fingers for me :)

I've decided exactly where I want to relocate to next by they way BUT I will keep it under wraps for now. Come July 1st though, I will be leaving Los Angeles for at least a year!

I watched an AWESOME series on Netflix called "Cashmere Mafia" last week. I STRONGLY recommend this series (it was a TV show) to all of my fans and friends. It totally shows the pros and cons of being a strong and career driven woman in today's society.

Though I consider myself a "cute, sexy, artistic, nerdy and sometimes overly dramatic" woman, I also have come to realize that I'm much more of a kick ass business woman than I give myself credit for.

Looking back on a few people who I've allowed into my life in the past, I can understand now why they acted as negatively they did towards me - they were intimidated. There wasn't any need for them to be of course, but hey some people are just insecure.

So I've decided that anyone new who I allow into my life in a substantial way from now on, must have a lot of self confidence and drive themselves. Bottom line, they need to have PURPOSE in their lives (as I do).

Well, time for me to get back on webcam. See you online!

Check out this fun video by Jannelle Monae:

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Had a good night Tuesday evening - went to Thomas Ward's (www.twardcomedy.com) comedy showcase, shot the shit with a few old and new aquaintences, had a few drinks (well more like a LOT of drinks) and fortunately made it home in one piece.

I've found that many times I WAY over do it with the alcohol when I go out and I'm putting a stop to it - it's not good for my health, other's perception of me, and how I view myself.

Overall I think most people don't see who I really am. They just see what they want to see. It's not a surprise however being that for quite some time I only saw what I wanted to see in others. I guess that's what most of us do for a substantial amount of time in our lives.

I saw my ex boyfriend as a great guy - so great in fact that when his band got back together for a reunion concert several months ago he didn't even bother to invite me and acted surprised when I showed up - I suppose I wasn't good enough in his eyes to be there (even though I know now that I was too good for him, which was what probably activated his insecurities).

I saw a couple friends of mine as just "such good girlfriends" - so great of friends they were, that one in actuality was just recruiting customers and fans for her weed selling musician boyfriend, while the others can't be bothered to hang out any other time than when THEY feel the need to socialize or need help. Fucking flakes.

I tried to go on a date the other night - big freaking mistake. I was told by the person who introduced me to him that he was a really "nice guy". Wrong. You'd think that someone successful enough to have a wikipedia article and many other write-ups on them would have enough class or common sense not to treat women as common prostitutes - well I suppose due to my having done porn, that's all I can expect nowdays. You see, I didn't realize that just because a guy cooks you dinner you're expected to sleep with him - apparently in Los Angeles you are.

Of course after the idiot realized that I was going home and that he WASN'T going to get laid, he got rude, but it didn't stop there. He THEN had the nerve to try to text me tonight as if I still on some level thought he was an "ok guy". After I had to shoot him down AGAIN, he went on and on about how he "patiently listened to my negative talking for hours" the whole night we had dinner. COME ON. I actually find it fucking pathetic that someone would put up with my oh so boring negative banter for even a minute let alone "hours" just in attempt to get into my pants. If I'm so fucking annoying WHY even bother with me? There are far more attractive women than myself with vagina's just like mine that men like him (over the hill short pricks with receding hairlines who think that TIGHT ripped jeans are still somehow cool) can date and attempt to fuck.

As of late, I've found that nearly every person I've gotten to know in Los Angeles has simply used me, tried to use me, or has most likely laughed at me behind my back.

Lately the jerks coming out of the woodwork in attempt to pimp me is out of control. If I want to be pimped jackasses, I will PIMP MY SELF.

Realizing what I fool I've been, in conjunction with just about everyone who I care about and who I thought cared about me (not just friends, but family too) exiting my life, I've decided that it's time to shut EVERYONE out all together. I've had WAY more hurt and betrayal in the past few months than some probably ever experience in a lifetime. It's a bit depressing, but I suppose it's a sign that it's about time for me to move on - emotionally and physically - so I've made the firm decision to move ASAP (I've noted on this blog before that I'm relocating, but the need to do so now is about 10 times more urgent - it's not a life or death type situation or anything - I've just had enough or Los Angeles for now).

To those of you who are reading this, please make sure you get as many webcam shows with me as possible, because I really need to rack up some moving dollars!

Yea, this blog was kind of negative, but hey, this is where my life is at as of current. Let this be a record for any young woman who decides to try porn, regular acting or just about anything out here in Los Angeles as to how tough this city and situation is.

Thanks and see you online soon.

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Today was a rather introspective broadcast of Monica @ Home on www.MonicaAtHome.com - I will post a few pieces of it to my youtube account for the website at some point.

One thing I'd like to clear up is the following: No, I do not have HIV / AIDS.

Someone in the chat room today of my show decided to question and/or assume that as to the reason why I'm not doing scenes currently. All you have to do is read my blog to figure out that the reasons I stopped shooting, with the primary reason being that I needed a break to really take some time to figure a few things out.

As many of you who read my blog are aware of, I'm currently going through a major bout of self reassessment, reevaluation and discovery. I have the potential, ability and opportunity to take my life in quite a few directions right now, and as my views on what really matter (to me) shift, I'm coming to some conclusions as to what I most likely will decide to do with myself, which would actually have scared, the past, less evolved "version" of the woman who created "Monica Foster".

The woman I was, wasn't scared of many things, but she did fear one person in particular extensively. The woman who looked back at her in the mirror.

I had a thought recently that subsided, soothed and eliminated that fear. It was a bit spiritual in nature, but then again - what ISN'T spiritual to a degree.

I thought:

Maybe God and all those of God (good) aren't really on a spiritual battle field fighting Lucifer (evil). Maybe God isn't even the embodiment of "good". Maybe God is actually the battlefield itself, the sky above the field, the platform itself all the activity is occurring on.

That thought was my most recent breakthrough.



I've accused many of being sociopaths. I know the definition and traits of such a person very well, mainly because quite a few of those traits are elements I've struggled to suppress for years. I'm not saying I'm a sociopath myself...sociopaths tend to lie (which I no longer waste the time and energy doing) and are unable to feel and I DO feel (but a bit differently than most do). Plus, if I was a textbook sociopath, I most likely wouldn't be writing this blog - and I definitely wouldn't have enough of a conscience to have tried to correct behavior that I'd been taught was "wrong".

I remember as a child watching a kid on the playground fall off a slide and crack his head open. I laughed. When I think back on this I still laugh because the way in which the kid fell was VERY funny to me. My teacher saw me do this and I remember getting in trouble.

There were quite a few natural reactions I displayed as a child that got me in trouble. Many around me in my youth put in a tremendous amount of time and effort to alter my way of being. Eventually my true nature was successfully suppressed.

I haven't been my true self since I was around 7 years old, and I certainly haven't been happy.

I've decided to go back to being my true self.

Why am I being so open about all of this? Well, because I don't care if anyone likes me or not anymore, and I don't care to try to embody any shred of "normalcy" anymore. I'm also putting it "out there" to certain people, that they may want to think twice before attempting to cross me from this day forth.

ps: I received an email recently questioning whether I'm bipolar or if I have a personality disorder. I don't - I've just held back my true nature for a little too long.

My show Monica @ Home (www.MonicaAtHome.com) will be back tomorrow. I've needed to skip it the past couple of days due to needing a bit of time to myself.

I've actually gotten a lot of work done over the past few days and am returning back to my productive and creative self - actually a better version of my past self due to my recent emotionally challenging event which has allowed me to grow, mature and open doors to my true inner being which I was initially aware of, but allowed to remain closed due to fears.

I read a cool blog by Miss Julie Meadows in regards to another blog about the difference between a "mindless bimbo" who does porn because she feels she has no other choice versus an educated woman who chooses to enter porn knowingly (though she may be more naive about the realities of the porn industry than she's aware of).

When it comes to choosing to do porn, or choosing to do anything in life - even when you make a conscious "choice" to do it, often times you're a victim of circumstance that brought you to making a choice between doing one thing, or another thing to begin with.

I definitely wasn't a super broke crack whore when I "chose" to enter the porn industry, but I definitely wasn't wealthy when it comes to what my levels of self esteem or self worth were. Porn definitely hasn't made me rich monetarily in the end, but it HAS granted me great wealth in the 2 areas I initially lacked (self esteem and a sense of self worth), via the people I've met, the circumstances I've found myself in and path it's put me on in really taking a good hard look at exactly who and what I am (even the parts I never wanted to and was AFRAID to look at before).

I feel very good right now. Great in fact. I've wasted a lot of time waiting for things, situations and people that never existed. I'm moving forward now with my life and creative projects with the strength of "vengeance".

Goes to show once again, when you get knocked down, all you gotta do is collect yourself, stand up, dust yourself off, and take a step in a better direction.

Well it's a bright and sun shiny Monday afternoon and I feel as though I'm getting my mind back on track and have a good picture as to what I want to do over the next 2 months (which is to save as much $ as possible), and where I want to be at the end of that time frame (a good distance away from California - I may come back in a few years, but definitely not to Los Angeles).

Last week was a difficult week emotionally, but it ended on a good note. I worked for DTWrestling.com 2 days in a row, which was a LOT of fun. I'm starting to think that I should have wound up in professional female wrestling rather than porn. I'm more of an action hero type of girl.

Sunday I checked in with all of you, my Monica Foster peeps, for my 1 hour weekly webcam show. A big thanks to everyone who stopped in to say hello.

I'm over the guy who chose to date for the past year and a half. I'm just not into being lied to, being deceived, being left in the dark, or manipulative mind games any longer. There were good times in the beginning yes, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm simply not willing to deal with a someone who stays in close contact with ex's - especially when it is for monetary reasons (or otherwise for that matter). It's just too weird for me to imagine why a MAN would need to borrow money from a WOMAN, when he's able bodied and capable enough to EARN it himself (even though it might take time).

I suppose due to money being such an element of control in my youth, it's not an issue I want to deal with in relationships in my adult years. It took about 4 bottles of wine to work through my pain, followed by a solid day of puking my guts out to cleanse my spirit of that man, but it's over and done with now and I feel better.

Actually on my vomiting/hangover day I read the book The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships - that book gave me specific definition to what my personal issues with many of my past relationships have stemmed from and granted me a major degree of enlightenment.

This link: http://www.angriesout.com/family1.htm also gave me a fresh perspective and will help me to not do a repeat of the past ever again.

At 31 years of age, I'm finding myself entering a new chapter of life, and a new era of simply "being". I've finally come to terms with the fact that I really do have the power to shape my life and surroundings to be whatever I want them to be (this "Monica Foster" endeavor is a pretty good example), however I don't have the power to shape other people to be what I want them to be - and to even try is a waste of time and energy.

I'm done with trying to be anyone other than exactly who I am (and who I truly am, is MANY things on MANY levels) - and I'm over allowing anyone else to try to mold me into who they want me to be rather than who I am. I suppose I could sum all of this up, by saying that my tolerance level for BS has lowered completely to 0.

In quite a few instances prior to moving to Los Angeles, and post moving to Los Angeles, I've only allowed myself to see what I wanted to see - and not what truly was or is. I have a feeling that many of us in this life have that problem at times, but what makes that such a dangerous problem to have, is when people around you are AWARE that you're only seeing what you want to see, because often in such a situation such people will exploit you for what you don't see. Such people are sick and usually sociopathic. Unfortunately Los Angeles is infested which such types of people, but hey wouldn't it be? People with such traits would gravitate toward this place being that the entertainment industry is where such people can thrive. I didn't know or see before, but now I do.

I'm not completely dissapointed with Los Angeles. I needed to come here I believe in order to open the door to learn more about exactly who I am and what I want and what I'm meant to do with my time here on earth. Los Angeles right now isn't a healthy place for me to be, I need to be somewhere I can be more in touch with nature and more able to help others who aren't sure what path in life to take.

Here's a few movie recommendations for those of you with a Netflix account: The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc , He's on My Mind , Confessions of an Action Hero.

Well, that's about all I have to write about today. I will be on webcam all day today and tonight and the rest of the week. Hope to see you online soon :)

Today I got into it with adult movie superstar Jada Fire...over at DT Wrestling!

As some of you know, along with being a webcam girl, adult star, photographer, writer and online media developer I also am a female wrestler.

Today I had a match with the hot, sexy and extremely cool miss Jada Fire - if you're someone who hasn't had the chance to see to sexy black women try to beat each other's asses in quite some time, you will NOT want to pass up watching this match.

Check it out in a week or so when it's posted on DTwrestling.com - and if you want to see me wrestle any of the other lovely ladies who are on the site, make sure you order a custom match!

Below are a couple of photos from when Akira Lane and I were in the ring:

Well, I'm officially single again and I'm GLAD. 2010 should wind up being a fun, exciting and productive year being that I foresee myself bouncing back from this most recent relationship very quickly.

Last night was the last straw with my now, ex-boyfriend. I suppose this ending has been in the works for quite some time. I had as much patience with this man as humanly possible being that he has a severe aversion to commitment, has substance abuse problems, is a bit too close for comfort in my eyes with his ex-girlfriend (a VERY famous petite pornstar ironically of whom he had a relationship with for a few years), and is overall a whiney, self centered little bitch of a man (at 40 something years old) who tends to prefer women who are FAR too young for him (which is probably why he is a regular cameraman for a "Barely Legal" type series - how appropriate...).

I suppose I believed that with enough patience, understanding, and forgiveness eventually he'd have a breakthrough and realize "wow, this is a real person who actually loves me. Let me stop being a douche bag".

Wrong.

I should have known better after being cheated on, lied to multiple times, and just overall being treated like shit. I figured he'd never had a real relationship before so I wanted to give him a chance. A part of the reason I stopped shooting content with other adult studios was because I wanted to be 100% monogamous with him. I actually find it comical now that he thought it was better that I stopped performing being that all he's evidently attracted to are pornstars (funnily this douche bag told me the last time we almost broke up that he wanted to try dating someone totally outside of the adult industry who'd never worked porn - LOLOLOLOLOL - unless he totally lies to the woman - or girl in his case considering he can't deal with anyone over the age of 31 - there's no fucking way ANY woman outside of porn on this PLANET would have ANYTHING to do with his ass). I loved this man, but I will never date a person like this again.

So last night I find out that my ex-bf is apparently much closer to his ex-gf (the mega famous petite porn star that I mentioned earlier) than I initially was aware of - so close that they most likely are in bed together quite often, because apparently this girl is willing to lend this fool $20K to qualify for a home loan.

Anyways finding out that my ex-bf IS that fucking close to his ex-gf to feel comfortable enough to ask for a loan of that magnitude was enough of a kick in the gut to finally open my eyes enough to realize that I don't need to be with that man. Money is evidently more important to him than real relationships.

I essentially am worth less than $20K to this person and I as his current girlfriend, meant less to him than his ex-gf who is just a "good friend". Amazing to find all that out after over a year and a half.

I suppose a guy such as my ex-bf, a man who always takes the easiest road in life and has no problems using people as much as possible, especially women (being that he see's women totally as sex objects - I suppose being a porn cameraman for over 15 years will do that to you), is much better off only surrounding himself with people who are as superficial and shallow as himself - and that's certainly not me.

I think my ex-bf should get back with his ex-gf. Evidently they're both dirty and nasty people who are totally into themselves and who will do or fuck anyone or anything for money and/or to get ahead in life. Sad.

I now understand how men without much money feel when they lose their girlfriend to a guy who's more financially secure. I didn't have enough money for my ex's taste.

I'm glad that now I know the truth and I'm glad that I can now move forward in life.

MonicaAtHome.com is officially in full swing so for those of you who need a dose of Monica Foster, adult industry news and gossip, adult industry online technology happenings along with bits and pieces of whatever else is on my mind then tune in each weekday at 6pm PST and 9pm PST daily on www.MonicaAtHome.com or www.BlogTV.com/People/MonicaFoster

03-11-2010 part 1

03-11-2010 part 2

03-11-2010 part 3



Archives from the show can be found on Youtube: http://www.youtube.com/MonicaAtHome

www.MightyAfrodite.com will DEFINITELY be launched later this month now that my other projects are running smoothly so get ready for something different :)