Sometimes I wonder if the thoughts that keep me awake are actually visitors from other dimensional planes keeping me company until it's time for me to do my job - a job I never have been paid for monetarily... a job which has brought one of the porn industry's lead attorneys to manufacture a fraudulent lawsuit against me that I've been forced to defend myself against in civil court... and a job that has led several attached to the pornographic industry and organized crime to discuss my pending death (which will likely be a murder) for approximately 7 years now.
You see, I have a friend...a male friend who used to work in the porn industry too. I've known him over 5 years and if it weren't for his advice (when I was homeless and wandering from Nevada to Arizona a couple of years ago) I probably never would have had the courage to reconnect with my mother. Honestly, if it weren't for my friend being on the other end of the phone when I called him on occasion a couple years ago, I'd likely already be dead.
A little backstory... once upon a time my friend was essentially the male equivalent of the pornstar known as Jenna Jameson. I never worked with him while I was an active pornstar - and I consider that a blessing because I have a habit of not remaining friends with men I've had intercourse with (be that intercourse having been either personal or professional in nature). My friend who called me at 2am EST is my brother in spirit. At one point I cursed him for not being my lover, prior even to having met him in person (ironically we initially connected online), because at the time I thought the only way a man (outside of a blood related family member) could ever really care about me was through sexual attraction to me.
The night before last (after the "main course" of our conversation) I told my friend that I thought if he became a Father it would improve how he feels about himself and his life... Being a parent would be a distraction from his pain, a sort of closure for him too. My friend would be an amazing father because he knows how the world works, cares very deeply and is intensely creative. He writes stories that rival the movie scripts from Steven Spielberg & George Lucas... stories that paint fanciful mental images like the works from Boris Vallejo and Salvador Dali.
In response to my suggestion to my friend that he breed, my friend asked me if I'd have his kid. I think he was kind of joking, but kind of wasn't. I had to let him know that at this phase I feel too old to be a mother, though that's only the partial truth. The complete truth is I'd be one selfish bitch to become a mother at this stage considering the enemies I've made in the porn industry who are attached to organized crime... the thing about me is that I'm not the type who believes in cursing children straight out the gate.
So back to 2am EST... what many don't realize about my friend, is he has many invisible wounds (the worst kind of wounds one can have from my perspective). As a child he was beaten down very badly...so badly that he ran away from home well before the age of 25 (the age that a human's brain is biologically fully developed). My friend told me at 2am EST the night before last, that he knew back when he ran away from home he had two choices...he could either be homeless on the streets or he could "join the circus". I told him in response that I think he actually realized that he could either die, or become a slave...his response in turn was, "yea, I agree".
Probably only an hour or two before 2am EST the night before last, my friend was watching a movie with his mother...a woman who happens to be a bartender and who keeps quantities of alcohol in the house. She had a drink and my friend (her son) had two drinks. Then her son had another drink. Then my friend's mother said to him, "You sure drink a lot...maybe you should stop drinking for a week". He responded, "Maybe we should both stop drinking for a month." His mother then told him to get out.
I have a family member who once told me, "There are the people who drink, and the people who drive others to drink". I think my friend's mother would highly benefit from talking to this particular family member of mine.
I explained to my friend shortly after 2am EST the night before last that his mother likely CAN'T go without drinking for a month. I told him that his father who turned him away multiple times throughout his life is a jerk who refuses to take accountability for his creation and who is running away from taking responsibility for the result his creation is. I asked my friend if his history as a pornstar is still a "hot topic" in his family...his response - "yes". I let him know that it's only because it's easier for his family members to use him as a distraction from their own issues rather than allowing attention to be drawn to their own shortcomings.
I made it clear to my friend that what led to him calling me the night before last was actually a healthy part of the healing process that he and his mother are experiencing. I let him know that his mother won't kick him out.
I asked my friend around 2:30am EST the night before last if his family knew about his book, his scripts and the amazing way he communicates and shares his ideas. He told me they don't. I asked my brother in spirit if his family knew about how much effort and time he's put into trying to help others who've walked in his shoes. Again, he told me that they don't know.
I believe that my friend thinks his family doesn't know how awesome he is (and I didn't tell him this), but I have a feeling that a couple of his family members actually DO know - but choose to keep beating him up anyways because they're jerks. Jerks who want to keep a "whipping boy" around because they know damn well they aren't strong enough to survive being whipped equally as hard, and for as long as my friend has endured the sting of their lashes.
My friend told me that he feels like he's returned to the same "place" that led him to run away to "join the circus" back when he was still essentially a child, but that this time there's no "circus" for him to join. I told him that he might feel that way, but that's not the reality because back then he didn't have me to call - but today he does... so things will be different this time.
As you my readers know, I have almost zero monetary resources. I do have a brain though, and a few weeks ago I decided to build my friend the start to a new "circus". It's really just a tent with a center ring and some bleachers and it doesn't have any acts yet...but it may very soon. I hope my friend can develop his "circus" into something far better the one he was lured into being a part of...the one that fraudulently advertises itself as "the greatest show on Earth", but in actuality is a legal human slaughter house.
By 3am EST I was able to get my long time friend to laugh. He then told me that he had to go to bed, and I gave him a pleasant thought to dream about.
Towards the end of the conversation my friend said to me "hey, you did a good job" - and I told him "thank you".
That's how I get paid for my job you know...not in tangible currency - but in spiritual currency. Being told that I did "a good job" is what helps me understand why people attached to the porn industry and organized crime go to such lengths to make me feel like a piece of trash, why they build websites to slander my family members and why they publicly discuss my pending death.
My friend told me that I'm the strongest woman he knows - and I know he believes that. The truth however is that I'm only a woman who was taught by another woman, her mother (a retired elementary school teacher), that sometimes you MUST be the one who's strong for others...even if it means that you run the risk of losing your sanity.
I'm also a woman who believes in the wonderful stories that people like her talented friend (an ex male pornstar who never received the same attention as Jenna Jameson simply because he's a male with a strong spirit) writes... a woman who's strength is merely the equivalent to that of a child who believes that the Unicorns in fairy tales are indeed real.
