Thursday, April 28, 2011

For some of you out there who keep up with me, it's no secret that I've been experiencing some extreme depression from having to deal with the Pornwikileaks venture that certain "anonymous" individuals have decided to maintain and expand.

The venture has made myself, my family and countless others a target for quite a few angry, disgruntled and potentially dangerous individuals. Tuesday night, I was finally pushed over the edge after receiving a slew of hate filled messages online. I seriously contemplated ending my time here in this world.

I know even contemplating such an action is viewed as foolish and selfish by many, however my mindset at the time was in a place that it's never been before, due to my feeling that there may be no solution to the pain and trouble I've caused for those that I care for. At that moment I felt those I care for may be better off if I wasn't here.

Obviously I'm writing this, so I'm still here and I'm in a better mental place now with the help of a couple close friends who reached out to me after I tweeted my feelings that evening. I'm beyond grateful to these individuals - however I'm not ashamed of having felt as I did, because I'm only a human being and I can't retain strength and optimism indefinitely. I'm tough but I'm a sensitive creative artist at my core and the stalking and bullying has caused me to feel I've lost the one thing I had left - my pride.

The many actions people can take against others in our society that fall within the "loop holes" of the law really frustrate me. It's come to my knowledge that there ARE people who could have spoken up and put a stop to the PornWikileaks venture - but have not. Why? Probably due to fear or due to potential financial gain from the venture succeeding. Practices such as psychological warfare need to be evaluated by our society and there needs to be laws implemented to protect individuals from such tactics dished out by those with the know how to do so. Maybe in time that will happen - but then again maybe it won't.

In my view, anyone who KNOWS who has created and maintains Pornwikileaks but fails to speak up to stop the endangerment of countless people's lives, in my view is just as guilty as those who own/run the site. The truth always comes out and often when traditional justice does not prevail other forms do.

What people don't realize about "porn" and the issues affecting the "porn industry" as of current, is that there is a lot of money at stake, along with many people's freedom being at stake. I've come to realize that I'm viewed as a very dangerous person by many who want to unjustly retain their financial status and freedom due to what I've seen, where I've been and what I know.

I feel the "wiki" (that I suspect a fictitious and/or anonymous adult industry blogger who uses the pen name "Darrah Ford" wrote) was a warning shot to me that basically says "shut up and/or do as we say or we will hurt you and/or your family because we know where you and they live". I think most people would be both frightened and depressed if they had to deal with this classic Mafia style threat. I do not and will not cave to these threats however - what I've said and written over the years has been exactly what I thought or felt at that moment. Yes, my feelings and views have altered as I've evolved and continued to experience life, however I WILL NOT take back anything I've written or said that I currently BELIEVE IN.

Again I feel like I'm in a better, more healthy and stronger place emotionally now - today. It's difficult being that I have no immediate or extended family on this side of the country, don't have a boyfriend or husband or children and have very few close friends to lean on. By nature I don't like to lean on anyone which is probably a positive in many situations but probably a negative in this one. Come to think of it maybe that's why I've been used as an example by those behind PornWikiLeaks - they figured I'd back down due to lack of support.

Regardless I felt the need to share this part of my life with you all. I want many of you reading this out there to know that YES you should stand up for what you feel is right, speak out and try your best to facilitate changes when you can - HOWEVER I want you to know that it's a very hard and dangerous road to take - Malcolm X and Martin Luther King are good examples of this.

I know I still haven't released the first installment of my next book "Getting Into Porn - The Journeys" yet, but I will soon and I hope many of you read it (I will be setting it at a very very very low price) because it may be one of the only true accounts as to what dealing with people who view humans as no more than merchandise and sex toys really are like.

I'm still not anti-porn - but I am anti-porn industry until people with souls and a sense of responsibility toward their fellow man can take the reigns of this "porn industry" again.

Too many individuals in the porn industry as of current are OUT OF CONTROL in my view - especially when it comes to the current promotion of adult niches that in my view are making pedophilia and incest appear "normal". That shit is NOT NORMAL and it's not right that our youth that stumbles upon free tube sites are being indoctrinated into the sick dream worlds of people who could NEVER maintain a healthy relationship or life in mainstream society.

Well that's enough for today - thanks for reading and keeping up with me still after all this time.

No regrets - just amazement as to how an industry that can seem so "free" in actuality is a venue to enslave.