Re-examining the darkness from the light

I've made it known on my twitter that over the next few days, I will be re-examining and working through (in part publicly) my thoughts and feelings in regards to a man I knew while I was active in the pornographic industry. I've had several other relationships with men throughout my life that I have been able to properly move forward from, however, this particular man is someone I've never been able to completely get out of my system (and I'm hoping to completely figure out why).

In the past, when I've mentioned this man, certain people (who I label as my stalkers) have bullied me into silence about him.  I'm not allowing that to happen anymore, because there's something about that man and that time of my life that I know in my core needs to be addressed and resolved.

As of tonight, I attribute my lack of ability to clear this man from my thoughts being due to some issues and events surrounding the relationship that were extraordinarily abnormal on a multitude of levels.  As I've stated in my blog several times in the past, one of the most difficult things one must do in life, is to look at THEMSELVES and at their PAST honestly.  I've reached a point in my self imposed healing process to where I feel brave enough to really THINK about and EVALUATE some of the memories in regards to the man I'm referring to.  I'm hoping God will provide me with some answers as well.

I will share a lot about whatever I realize, but I doubt I will share everything.  Research "trauma-bonding" - here's a link to get your started: http://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/22/what-abusers-hope-we-never-learn-about-trauma-bonding/

Abuse isn't always physical or "in your face" psychological.  I've come to understand that my "scars" from abuse have manifested in my actions and choices.  I don't believe abusers always realize that they abuse.  Other times people who are on the receiving end of abuse don't realize that they're being abused.  I feel that there are instances to where people have been in unhealthy and/or dysfunctional relationships (or maybe just ways of living) for so long that they have no concept of what "normal" or "healthy" really is - so they become desensitized.  I think it's even possible for people to habitually and KNOWINGLY REJECT a healthy or normal relationship for a dysfunctional one, because the dysfunction FEELS more FAMILIAR than anything else (I believe, in part, what's happened to me).

I hate already being 35 years old and just now identifying some of these issues, but I subscribe to the philosophy of "better late than never".  I'm glad I don't have any children at this time, and I hope I get through this process relatively quickly.  I believe I've reached my final step in closing the book on a phase of my life I began in early 2008.

I know my sharing my thoughts as I do is strange to certain people in my life (or who I may never have met).  I do it because I don't believe that I have been (or will be) the only woman in the world to have dealt with some of the situations, people and events which I have.  I find it comforting to think that my blogs just might give someone else out there a reference point as to where they are on the map of life.

Yes, my blogs are selfless - yet selfish. Funny how that is...isn't it.

I am angry.

In this blog, I will admit that I am VERY ANGRY.  I'm angry because on many levels I've been victimized, but I'm more angry that I haven't fought back as hard as I should have for many years to regain my personal power.  Tonight I went on a "twitter rant" and I believe it was my first solid step in releasing the anger I've been carrying due to many things I've noticed within the world that I've felt the need to restrain myself from sharing.

My views and observations are simply that of what I've experienced in my 35 years on this planet.  I don't expect everyone (or anyone for that matter) to agree with me.  I don't need anyone to.  I don't expect a shred of support. I understand completely how I will be labeled as prejudice, intolerant, unforgiving, hateful, etc... and I'M FINE WITH IT.

I see how in many instances it's better to keep your opinions to yourself - especially if you want to be monetarily "successful" and "fit in" in this world.  I just wasn't created to be that way and I will not apologize for it.

I don't have an issue with taking responsibility for or being punished for anything I've genuinely done that's been wrong and without just cause because I'm not the type of person to do anything wrong without just cause.  It's not in my nature.  HOWEVER I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH BEING TOLD THAT I AM WRONG ABOUT ISSUES, EVENTS & INDIVIDUALS THAT I KNOW I AM CORRECT ABOUT.

When I don't understand something, I look for an answer and I ASK for an answer.  I have ALWAYS questioned things that I don't understand which is what's led me to become an independent researcher on a variety of issues.  It's the pursuit of the truth that turns me on more so than anything in this world. I LOVE learning systems and how things work - that's how I was created to be.

Within the United States of America (and maybe the world as a whole), people are being encouraged at an ever increasing rate NOT to question how things work.  I feel that people in general are being told to just sit down, shut up and be accepting of whatever is given to us by whoever is in power.

I'm not OK with that.  I don't feel God designed me and sent Jesus Christ to die for me to tolerate such an attitude.

I don't expect many people to relate to how I think, or be as I am - it's far easier not to. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be cast out from much of society and viewed as "a problem", than to not have shared my perspective or opinion.  

Maybe rather than saying to yourself "oh, she's just a typical ANGRY BLACK WOMAN" - maybe you should question, "How did the stereotype of ANGRY BLACK WOMEN ever come to be?  What and who exactly prompted certain Black women to BECOME so angry?"  

I'd say that this blog which goes back to 2007 will tell you the answer...at least in part.

Alexandra Mayers fka Monica Foster interviews Olympic silver medalist Josh Mance

Alexandra Mayers interviews Olympic Athlete Josh Mance about TMZ, Skin Diamond, Racism & more!
Alexandra Mayers fka Monica Foster interviews Olympic silver medalist Josh Mance about his recent encounter with media gossip outlet TMZ, pornstar Skin Diamond, a situation involving racism he experienced on his 21st birthday that was heavily covered by mainstream news, his life as an Olympic athlete and his "fetish" for older women.