Saturday, August 30, 2014

Re-examining the darkness from the light

I've made it known on my twitter that over the next few days, I will be re-examining and working through (in part publicly) my thoughts and feelings in regards to a man I knew while I was active in the pornographic industry. I've had several other relationships with men throughout my life that I have been able to properly move forward from, however, this particular man is someone I've never been able to completely get out of my system (and I'm hoping to completely figure out why).

In the past, when I've mentioned this man, certain people (who I label as my stalkers) have bullied me into silence about him.  I'm not allowing that to happen anymore, because there's something about that man and that time of my life that I know in my core needs to be addressed and resolved.

As of tonight, I attribute my lack of ability to clear this man from my thoughts being due to some issues and events surrounding the relationship that were extraordinarily abnormal on a multitude of levels.  As I've stated in my blog several times in the past, one of the most difficult things one must do in life, is to look at THEMSELVES and at their PAST honestly.  I've reached a point in my self imposed healing process to where I feel brave enough to really THINK about and EVALUATE some of the memories in regards to the man I'm referring to.  I'm hoping God will provide me with some answers as well.

I will share a lot about whatever I realize, but I doubt I will share everything.  Research "trauma-bonding" - here's a link to get your started:

Abuse isn't always physical or "in your face" psychological.  I've come to understand that my "scars" from abuse have manifested in my actions and choices.  I don't believe abusers always realize that they abuse.  Other times people who are on the receiving end of abuse don't realize that they're being abused.  I feel that there are instances to where people have been in unhealthy and/or dysfunctional relationships (or maybe just ways of living) for so long that they have no concept of what "normal" or "healthy" really is - so they become desensitized.  I think it's even possible for people to habitually and KNOWINGLY REJECT a healthy or normal relationship for a dysfunctional one, because the dysfunction FEELS more FAMILIAR than anything else (I believe, in part, what's happened to me).

I hate already being 35 years old and just now identifying some of these issues, but I subscribe to the philosophy of "better late than never".  I'm glad I don't have any children at this time, and I hope I get through this process relatively quickly.  I believe I've reached my final step in closing the book on a phase of my life I began in early 2008.

I know my sharing my thoughts as I do is strange to certain people in my life (or who I may never have met).  I do it because I don't believe that I have been (or will be) the only woman in the world to have dealt with some of the situations, people and events which I have.  I find it comforting to think that my blogs just might give someone else out there a reference point as to where they are on the map of life.

Yes, my blogs are selfless - yet selfish. Funny how that is...isn't it.