Wednesday, September 03, 2014

Constructing an outlet for my anger regarding my realization that I was with a very bad man

As I stated in my previous blog, I'm allowing myself to re-evaluate in detail a relationship I was in while I was active in the porn industry.  I've received feedback from people who read my blogs about my decision to do this...some of it positive, some of it negative...

Regardless, I feel that in order for me to be able to fully heal and properly love (and respect) myself, I'm making the right decision to do what I'm doing.  So far, it's been painful but I feel I'm making progress.

One of the elements that really makes me angry in regards to the man I'm referring to, is that HE KNEW the realities of the pornographic industry and DID NOT TELL ME (and he had ample opportunity to do so, as I asked him questions about many issues in regards to the porn industry while I was with him).  This particular man had worked in the business for around 20 years - so he knew the truth VERY well, but he apparently was OK in regards to the abuse that occurs regularly in that world, which the public only recently has become aware of.

KNOWING NOW what I know, and KNOWING NOW what he knew - it disgusts me that I was with him.  I wasn't blind, I was naive - and he was predatory.  I'm completely incapable of understanding how any individual with a heart and soul could remain in that environment as long as he has without taking a stand in regards to the mistreatment of human beings.  That's the thing though - I suppose God didn't create me to be capable of understanding such a mindset (thankfully).

As of today I'm very ANGRY that people such as him exist.  I WISH HE DID NOT EXIST.

The man I'm referring to, from my perspective, is extraordinarily dangerous because he is able to keep up the appearance of being a "nice guy" and "harmless", but has no issue with turning a blind eye to the physical and spiritual abuse of human beings.  I'm starting to wonder exactly how involved (personally and directly) he has been in the destruction of other women who have crossed his path over the years.  It makes me literally shudder to think about.

In order to cope with the anger I've been feeling, I decided to construct a sort of distraction and outlet for my emotions.  I built - visit the site to learn what it's about.  At the end of the week I'm treating myself to my first UFC fight pass and I'm excited about it.

A part of me wishes I could beat the living hell out of the man I'm referring to in this blog, but it's really not my style to do such a thing (I've never been a physically violent person) - so watching MMA matches really helps me...I find it incredibly therapeutic.

Do I fantasize that the man I'm referring to in this blog posting is one of the contenders getting the crap beat out of him as I watch MMA? Absolutely...perhaps MMA is a sort of "porn" for women who are rather upset with certain men.  If you're a woman out there who's walked a path similar to mine - take a look at the world of MMA - you might find it INCREDIBLY appealing :)