worth it

Just a quick blog this morning to share a thought:

It doesn't matter whether or not your actions are viewed as being "worth the time and effort" to anyone else but YOU.  Don't feel guilty about taking into account YOUR OWN feelings just as much as you do the feelings of others.

Have a great week :)

JEWACRE – EPISODE 01 : a cartoon about the porn industry featuring parody of Britney Spears

Jewacre concocts a plan to trick Britney into sleeping with pornstar Zander in effort to attain a celebrity sextape to release exclusively on  the website The Fake Pornwikileaks.  Throughout his efforts Jewacre has multiple flashbacks about the woman he's been obsessed with for over 20 years...anti-porn activist Sherry Rubin (formerly known as Roxy).

Episode 01 features parody of Britney Spears, David Lucado, Shelley Lubben, Callie Lee, Xander Corvus and many more public figures that you'll have to identify on your own...

Jewacre - a new series that tells the truth of the adult film industry - from Porn Worth Watching

Welcome to the launch "Jewacre" - a new animated parody series from the mind of Alexandra Mayers (formerly known as Monica Foster).

Jewacre will relate much of the truth of the Los Angeles porn industry in an insightful, educational & comedic way. This series may get a bit vulgar at times, however the character it is built on was inspired by a man who has harassed, terrorized, stalked and bullied Alexandra for over 3 years...if you were to encounter this man, you would quickly realize that there is no amount of vulgarity an animated series can illustrate that compares to his actuality.

If you have followed the blogs of Alexandra Mayers fka Monica Foster over the years, then you know that much of what she's lived has taken her to the edge of sanity. In effort to continue her healing process, Alexandra has elected to utilize her artistic skills and uniquely dark sense of humor to relate in an easy to understand way exactly how the organized crime elements of the adult film industry nearly destroyed her and several others she's met on her journey into, and then later out of, porn.

Breaking bonds and moving on..

Well, it seems (at least today) that my progress in regards to "Re-examining the darkness from the light" has reached the finish line far sooner than I'd anticipated.  Today I felt very clear and free of quite a few issues that have been weighing me down for years.

The other night I had an emotional episode that concluded with a realization in regards to the element of "trauma bonding" that I probably wasn't ready to face in the past.  Read my commentary here to get an idea as to what I'm referring to.

When people talk about "love", they really should be more specific, because there's "healthy love" vs. "dysfunctional love".  Unless you've experienced "healthy love" apart from the "dysfunctional" version, it's hard to know the difference.

My time in the porn industry was the final catalyst for a cycle that I needed to break - a cycle that I'd been trapped within for much of my life.  The porn industry enabled me to learn a lot about relationships, friendships, business, the seedy "underbelly" of society, and life in general.  I stand by my research and commentary in regards to the pornographic industry and would never suggest anyone enter that world.

However, the pornographic industry is not the ONLY "world" out there that can be a catalyst for someone stuck in a dysfunctional way of living and being.

I'm sure many will disagree with me on this, but I think one of the most selfish things a person can do, is to have children.  It's actually quite the narcissistic act.  Being that I feel this way, I think that it's a parent's obligation to be completely selfless in regards to their children once they're born and throughout their life. In other words, parents need to make responsible choices and live their life right the moment they have a baby.  They shouldn't enter dangerous situations or circumstances (or do stupid things in general). Parents are their children's LIFE LINE and from my perspective their life should be 100% about their children. No child makes the DECISION to be born - that's the parent's CHOICE (whether or not certain choices are really meant to be is debatable - I don't think anyone on Earth really knows the answer).

If you can't find it within yourself to be completely selfless when it comes to any children you're considering bringing into this world - DO NOT BREED.

I was thinking today about whether or not people I've had contact with in life would be better off had they never met me...if I'd never been born.   Don't get me wrong - I am NOT in a suicidal state of mind or anything...it's just something I was thinking about - and not just in regards to people that I love or like, but in regards to people I dislike, who are my enemies or who I've never even met as well.

I guess I was contemplating "the ripple effect".

Today in a brief conversation with Jesus Christ, I prayed for everyone I've ever come into contact with to simply to be happy if God see's that it should be that way.  I prayed that certain individuals completely forget that they ever met me.  I also asked Jesus Christ to approach God about removing me from any of life's equations which I wasn't designed to be a part of so that in time, I can slide into place where ever it is that I belong.

A part of the reason that I remain single and don't like to interact with many people personally nowadays is not so much due to my fear of getting hurt, but because I don't want to inadvertently hurt others anymore than I may have in the past.

I was created through what I believe to have been a very selfish energy.  I'm not the only one who has been, but I think acknowledging the reality of "selfish energy" is the first step. Today I broke my bond with a large portion of that energy, and I'm very happy about it.

Free will - God's greatest gift IMO.

Constructing an outlet for my anger regarding my realization that I was with a very bad man

As I stated in my previous blog, I'm allowing myself to re-evaluate in detail a relationship I was in while I was active in the porn industry.  I've received feedback from people who read my blogs about my decision to do this...some of it positive, some of it negative...

Regardless, I feel that in order for me to be able to fully heal and properly love (and respect) myself, I'm making the right decision to do what I'm doing.  So far, it's been painful but I feel I'm making progress.

One of the elements that really makes me angry in regards to the man I'm referring to, is that HE KNEW the realities of the pornographic industry and DID NOT TELL ME (and he had ample opportunity to do so, as I asked him questions about many issues in regards to the porn industry while I was with him).  This particular man had worked in the business for around 20 years - so he knew the truth VERY well, but he apparently was OK in regards to the abuse that occurs regularly in that world, which the public only recently has become aware of.

KNOWING NOW what I know, and KNOWING NOW what he knew - it disgusts me that I was with him.  I wasn't blind, I was naive - and he was predatory.  I'm completely incapable of understanding how any individual with a heart and soul could remain in that environment as long as he has without taking a stand in regards to the mistreatment of human beings.  That's the thing though - I suppose God didn't create me to be capable of understanding such a mindset (thankfully).

As of today I'm very ANGRY that people such as him exist.  I WISH HE DID NOT EXIST.

The man I'm referring to, from my perspective, is extraordinarily dangerous because he is able to keep up the appearance of being a "nice guy" and "harmless", but has no issue with turning a blind eye to the physical and spiritual abuse of human beings.  I'm starting to wonder exactly how involved (personally and directly) he has been in the destruction of other women who have crossed his path over the years.  It makes me literally shudder to think about.

In order to cope with the anger I've been feeling, I decided to construct a sort of distraction and outlet for my emotions.  I built www.MMAoutline.com - visit the site to learn what it's about.  At the end of the week I'm treating myself to my first UFC fight pass and I'm excited about it.

A part of me wishes I could beat the living hell out of the man I'm referring to in this blog, but it's really not my style to do such a thing (I've never been a physically violent person) - so watching MMA matches really helps me...I find it incredibly therapeutic.

Do I fantasize that the man I'm referring to in this blog posting is one of the contenders getting the crap beat out of him as I watch MMA? Absolutely...perhaps MMA is a sort of "porn" for women who are rather upset with certain men.  If you're a woman out there who's walked a path similar to mine - take a look at the world of MMA - you might find it INCREDIBLY appealing :)