Thursday, March 25, 2010

Today was a rather introspective broadcast of Monica @ Home on - I will post a few pieces of it to my youtube account for the website at some point.

One thing I'd like to clear up is the following: No, I do not have HIV / AIDS.

Someone in the chat room today of my show decided to question and/or assume that as to the reason why I'm not doing scenes currently. All you have to do is read my blog to figure out that the reasons I stopped shooting, with the primary reason being that I needed a break to really take some time to figure a few things out.

As many of you who read my blog are aware of, I'm currently going through a major bout of self reassessment, reevaluation and discovery. I have the potential, ability and opportunity to take my life in quite a few directions right now, and as my views on what really matter (to me) shift, I'm coming to some conclusions as to what I most likely will decide to do with myself, which would actually have scared, the past, less evolved "version" of the woman who created "Monica Foster".

The woman I was, wasn't scared of many things, but she did fear one person in particular extensively. The woman who looked back at her in the mirror.

I had a thought recently that subsided, soothed and eliminated that fear. It was a bit spiritual in nature, but then again - what ISN'T spiritual to a degree.

I thought:

Maybe God and all those of God (good) aren't really on a spiritual battle field fighting Lucifer (evil). Maybe God isn't even the embodiment of "good". Maybe God is actually the battlefield itself, the sky above the field, the platform itself all the activity is occurring on.

That thought was my most recent breakthrough.

I've accused many of being sociopaths. I know the definition and traits of such a person very well, mainly because quite a few of those traits are elements I've struggled to suppress for years. I'm not saying I'm a sociopath myself...sociopaths tend to lie (which I no longer waste the time and energy doing) and are unable to feel and I DO feel (but a bit differently than most do). Plus, if I was a textbook sociopath, I most likely wouldn't be writing this blog - and I definitely wouldn't have enough of a conscience to have tried to correct behavior that I'd been taught was "wrong".

I remember as a child watching a kid on the playground fall off a slide and crack his head open. I laughed. When I think back on this I still laugh because the way in which the kid fell was VERY funny to me. My teacher saw me do this and I remember getting in trouble.

There were quite a few natural reactions I displayed as a child that got me in trouble. Many around me in my youth put in a tremendous amount of time and effort to alter my way of being. Eventually my true nature was successfully suppressed.

I haven't been my true self since I was around 7 years old, and I certainly haven't been happy.

I've decided to go back to being my true self.

Why am I being so open about all of this? Well, because I don't care if anyone likes me or not anymore, and I don't care to try to embody any shred of "normalcy" anymore. I'm also putting it "out there" to certain people, that they may want to think twice before attempting to cross me from this day forth.

ps: I received an email recently questioning whether I'm bipolar or if I have a personality disorder. I don't - I've just held back my true nature for a little too long.