Thursday, July 29, 2010

Well all signs are pointing to the end of the Monica Foster in Los Angeles "era". I tried for quite some time to blindfold myself to that fact, but the blindfold has been worn through to nothing by the wind, rain, and other torrential elements to where I can no longer help but face the simple facts that it's time to go.

I suppose a part of me is bitter that nothing was really as I'd hoped it would be here on the west coast. I really love this place - it's beautiful, but maybe I wasn't ready or strong enough (or both) to make it out here.

At the end of August I have to relocate to somewhere else in the country. Living here is too expensive.

The woman who created Monica Foster feels like a loser and an idiot at times. It wasn't just money, fame or career that motivated me to move here. It was love too - my love of the arts, my love of adventure and my love of wanting to achieve all I could. In the end even after I stopped performing in porn, I stayed here only due to the romantic love I felt for another. I believed that if you had enough hope and faith and drive that you couldn't fail and things would work out. Spiritually I have grown but in every other capacity I have been depleted.

Today the woman who created Monica Foster spoke with her father to ask for help. I never really want to ask anyone for help. It's the most difficult thing for me to do in the world, which is why I never ask anyone of anything. I'd rather give of myself until I have nothing left than to ask anyone for a damn thing, but today I did and in return I was asked "Why haven't you settled down and gotten married?"

Good question.

I've been married once in the past. I've never really wanted to admit this, but I'll admit it today - I loved the man I was once married to but he didn't love me. He was a tall beautiful man with several good qualities from Romania. Unfortunately he had bad qualities too - one of which was lack of respect for me and lack of honesty overall. I was around 22 at the time. He tricked me into marrying him, screwed up my credit and used me for his green card. That's all there is too it and I hope he gets treated in the same way one day by someone he finds himself caring about.

I've had other offers of marriage - since after that incident. I could have had a family before - but it wouldn't have been under good circumstances - wrong reasons. Others offers maybe possibly would have been for the right reasons - who knows - however I stayed single. I had and still do have dreams and goals. No one I've ever come across romantically has ever acknowledged or taken seriously those dreams or goals though and/or has been on a path parallel to my own.

My father asked me "what went wrong" with my and my sister's lives when it comes to men. I responded 1) Lack of a healthy male role model and idea of what a real marriage really should be (my parents split in my early teens) and 2) My mother consistently saying not to settle.

My father went on to say how in this life you just can't make it on your own - especially financially. Maybe he's right cause I'm definitely not making it and it's scary as hell - but one thing I will say is that it's not for lack of trying.

Men, I will never figure out and I don't think it's meant for me too. I have managed to have had every man I've ever dated use me for something and then discard of me (often without explanation) . Relationships - I give up. Finances - I'm clueless about.

At this point I might not ever have a marriage or even someone to date considering my adult entertainment career choices, but all in all I think it's OK because maybe I'm just dating and could possibly simply be married to myself for now.

I'll finish up with my planned Monica @ Home ( schedule for this week, but then I'm done for a while. I'm depressed and trying my best to hold on to at least a corner of the boat in this sea of hell. Maybe eventually the tide will wash me ashore somewhere nice.