Saturday, June 27, 2009

I'm single again, but before I get to that let me backtrack:

I've probably been overworking myself over the past week or so. Why? Because the only thing I want in life is to find success on some level and in some capacity. I don't feel I've found it or achieved it yet, but I have faith that eventually I will.

I'm going to slow it down to a few notches above a comfortable pace though due to the advice of Miss Christy Canyon who I had the pleasure of meeting Friday afternoon when I had the opportunity to meet her and be a guest on Playboy Radio's "Night Calls" on Sirus Radio.

I have a lot of admiration for her being that she's braved the porn world, survived and has found a place to continue within the adult industry outside of performing. I'm not sure how the interview came across (I always am such an anxious and nervous wreck when I'm out of my element aka my apartment), but regardless I had a good time.

I thought her insight and comments were interesting - particularly when I mentioned how prior to getting into porn I was naive enough to believe the "Jenna Jameson - E True Hollywood Story" - I actually do still believe that documentary which airs on the E-channel every now and then because it is true - it is true for Jenna, just not for every woman who gets into the porn industry.

I suppose the reason I felt her comments were interesting was because she touched on how women who feel that embarking into the porn industry can ultimately find success in the mainstream entertainment world. Well evidently a very few select few can but it's a long shot. Jenna did - everyone in "mainstream world" most likely first thinks of "Jenna Jameson" when they think of porn, and I hate to say this, but Christy Canyon - hosting a show on Playboy Radio does indeed mean that you have achieved mainstream status. I'm proud of you and you are an excellent role model for a woman like myself.

I haven't touched on this due to my innate sadness, but I'll just type a quick comment on Michael Jackson's passing on:

I am very saddened by it, but I'm also OK with it, because I don't feel death is the end. We're not meant to be on earth forever - it's just a spiritual phase from my perspective. Many have said that he died without him fully rectifying himself. Big deal - MANY of the greatest entertainers and people and people have died in what superficially weren't the best circumstances in relation to the mark they've made - Elvis Presley, Josephine Baker, Mozart, Jesus Christ, etc (all of which I admire but aren't from my generation as Michael Jackson & Farah Fawcett, who coincidentally died on the same day, have been). It's the nature of artists and the greatest influentially people. They're put here to make a mark on and change our society, their craft, and the world. I have a feeling the Michael Jackson's spirit is continuing and rocking on, on a great path, a path that we as humans can't even imagine or wrap our minds around, and he's survived by his offspring. It's OK.

I was a huge MJ fan - not his number 1 fan I'm sure, I never wrote him a fan letter and I never had the chance to meet him in person (though I'd have liked to), but his music and being definitely shaped who I am today.

I had to let go of someone I deeply love today. Being that he didn't put up much of a fight I know it was the right thing to do. I will miss him more than I miss Florida, more than I miss my childhood bedroom, more than I miss most things and people I no longer have or have contact with. Maybe we'll be friends, maybe we won't. I don't know... All I know is that he is the best man I've known as of yet aside from my father.

You know the saying that goes something like:
"When you love something (or someone) you should let it (or them) go and if it (of they) stays it's (or they are) yours, if it (or that person) goes, it (or they) were never yours to begin with."

It's a hurtful experience, that's for sure, but it's all part of growing, evolving and ultimately LIVING.

This has been one hell of year, not just for me, but for everyone in the country and on earth. The great thing about time, is that it never stops. That's why I don't either - well I suppose I should really say that I never give up on my dreams - makes me a silly, overly romantic and overly idealistic woman, but hey, we all have faults.

I suppose the point of experiencing life and time is to do something positive and productive with it and ENJOYING it rather than wasting it and letting it go without doing a damn thing.

So I'm single again - DAMN. I'm not even going to know what to do with myself... Here's 2 videos. The first by Vinen and the 2nd by Trina (another South Florida black girl) - they don't exactly define my feelings but what hell - they're appropriate: