Thursday, April 01, 2010

Had a good night Tuesday evening - went to Thomas Ward's ( comedy showcase, shot the shit with a few old and new aquaintences, had a few drinks (well more like a LOT of drinks) and fortunately made it home in one piece.

I've found that many times I WAY over do it with the alcohol when I go out and I'm putting a stop to it - it's not good for my health, other's perception of me, and how I view myself.

Overall I think most people don't see who I really am. They just see what they want to see. It's not a surprise however being that for quite some time I only saw what I wanted to see in others. I guess that's what most of us do for a substantial amount of time in our lives.

I saw my ex boyfriend as a great guy - so great in fact that when his band got back together for a reunion concert several months ago he didn't even bother to invite me and acted surprised when I showed up - I suppose I wasn't good enough in his eyes to be there (even though I know now that I was too good for him, which was what probably activated his insecurities).

I saw a couple friends of mine as just "such good girlfriends" - so great of friends they were, that one in actuality was just recruiting customers and fans for her weed selling musician boyfriend, while the others can't be bothered to hang out any other time than when THEY feel the need to socialize or need help. Fucking flakes.

I tried to go on a date the other night - big freaking mistake. I was told by the person who introduced me to him that he was a really "nice guy". Wrong. You'd think that someone successful enough to have a wikipedia article and many other write-ups on them would have enough class or common sense not to treat women as common prostitutes - well I suppose due to my having done porn, that's all I can expect nowdays. You see, I didn't realize that just because a guy cooks you dinner you're expected to sleep with him - apparently in Los Angeles you are.

Of course after the idiot realized that I was going home and that he WASN'T going to get laid, he got rude, but it didn't stop there. He THEN had the nerve to try to text me tonight as if I still on some level thought he was an "ok guy". After I had to shoot him down AGAIN, he went on and on about how he "patiently listened to my negative talking for hours" the whole night we had dinner. COME ON. I actually find it fucking pathetic that someone would put up with my oh so boring negative banter for even a minute let alone "hours" just in attempt to get into my pants. If I'm so fucking annoying WHY even bother with me? There are far more attractive women than myself with vagina's just like mine that men like him (over the hill short pricks with receding hairlines who think that TIGHT ripped jeans are still somehow cool) can date and attempt to fuck.

As of late, I've found that nearly every person I've gotten to know in Los Angeles has simply used me, tried to use me, or has most likely laughed at me behind my back.

Lately the jerks coming out of the woodwork in attempt to pimp me is out of control. If I want to be pimped jackasses, I will PIMP MY SELF.

Realizing what I fool I've been, in conjunction with just about everyone who I care about and who I thought cared about me (not just friends, but family too) exiting my life, I've decided that it's time to shut EVERYONE out all together. I've had WAY more hurt and betrayal in the past few months than some probably ever experience in a lifetime. It's a bit depressing, but I suppose it's a sign that it's about time for me to move on - emotionally and physically - so I've made the firm decision to move ASAP (I've noted on this blog before that I'm relocating, but the need to do so now is about 10 times more urgent - it's not a life or death type situation or anything - I've just had enough or Los Angeles for now).

To those of you who are reading this, please make sure you get as many webcam shows with me as possible, because I really need to rack up some moving dollars!

Yea, this blog was kind of negative, but hey, this is where my life is at as of current. Let this be a record for any young woman who decides to try porn, regular acting or just about anything out here in Los Angeles as to how tough this city and situation is.

Thanks and see you online soon.