Thursday, April 15, 2010

Zinfandel wine - I enjoy it so much - the flavor, the overtones of the flavor - but most of all the raw emotional honesty that it invokes from within me.

This particular blog will probably give off the vibe that I'm a weak, overly romantic, overly sentimental and an overly obsessive person, but so be it.

I miss my ex - like the desert misses the rain - literally.

It's interesting - since the "breakup" (or more like my inability to understand his actions) I've had a buffet (more than qualified by my standards) of men approach me and offer to date me. If I were many of the the other women on this planet I'd be more than happy to try out the alternatives - however I'm me, the woman who created "Monica Foster", a stubborn ass (Capricorn) bitch.

I'm not perfect. I know in my rants in previous blogs I've painted myself as the "victim", but I'm far from being innocent. However I tried. I believed that the relationship could work if I and the man of my ultimate affection worked hard enough and sacrificed enough. I hate being such an idealist, but that's simply who I am, and there's noting I can do about it.

It's been a solid month now since I've last heard from him. It's 12:30am right now on April 15, 2010. I suppose he's moved on. Maybe he's glad and relieved to be rid of me. That thought kills a part of my being, but if that's the case, so be it, and I truly hope he's happy. It's not in me to truly wish "ill will" upon anyone - especially him. I wish the best for everyone that I love and / or ever have ever loved.

I supposed I simply wish I'd had some closure on this past relationship. Truthfully I don't want it to be over. A part of me wants him back. So much happened that I won't go into ever on this blog. A good new friend of mine who's young, but who is very mature helped me come to some understandings in regards to myself and in regards to what happened between my ex and I. Right now I hurt so badly, but maybe in time I'll get over it. I just need to come to some understanding as to what exactly I need to get over.

One of my major faults - I'm a jealous person. It's a fault yes, but sometimes justifiable.

I don't see how I'll ever be able to open my heart again to anyone else to be honest. I realize now that though I think I'm a cool and great girl, I'm just not the personality type for everyone - that was the case with the man I fell in love with. He's not at fault entirely - and neither am I - however I did want an unrealistic ideal that simply didn't (I don't think at least) exist within him.

I'll miss him always, and I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward - I know eventually I will being that I've made progress so far, but I'm not sure how I'm going to complete the process...yep - I'm weak.

I don' wish how I feel, or how Kesha illustrates how I feel in thw song above, upon anyone on this earth - ever.