Official Blog the Artist, Musician, Author, Investigative Blogger, accidental Adult Industry Expert & unconventional Christian
(who is sometimes known as former pornstar) Monica Foster. Official website: www.MonicaF.com
Just a note to let you all know that I probably won't be blogging for the next few weeks. I'm putting all of my effort and energy as of current into working as much as possible both on and offline so that I can move forward with my life ventures, dreams and goals.
I might post some photos and/or video clips, but I'm keeping most of my "Monica Foster" thoughts to myself (the woman who created "Monica Foster") for now.
Well, I decided this afternoon that I need to do some serious spring cleaning, so that's what I've been up to tonight - along with indulging in a "Buffy the Vampire Slayer series" marathon courtesy of my Netflix account.
This week was pretty good - got a lot of work done, reunited with an old friend/co-worker, hung out with some new friends and was even invited out to dinner at the oh so trendy Rainbow Bar and Grill in West Hollywood.
A new phone is on the agenda for this coming week and hopefully a new (but used) car will FINALLY be following.
I wish I had more to write about, but I don't at the moment - life is pretty stable and I'm enjoying myself.
For those of you who haven't been keeping up with my show "Monica @ Home" (www.MonicaAtHome.com) - here's some select broadcasts to bring you up to speed. Remember the show is every weekday at 6pm PST (and it's free).
Well, here's another rather abstract blog for you, my lovely readers - but for those of you who know me well - you'll know exactly what I'm writing about and what this particular blog relates to (it's really not so abstract after all).
I get it.
When doors close, others open.
Opportunities present themselves when you least expect them to,
but always when you're really ready.
Someone told me last night, "You need to get over it." - so true, and that's a piece of advice I'll be living by eternally - starting....now.
Last night's mini-dinner party was a success! I really enjoy cooking soooo much. Especially when it's cooking for good company and a bottle or 2 of wine is thrown into the equation as well.
It's been a relatively good week. I've managed to have maintained a nice balance between work and fun time (even though quite often my work IS fun time - lucky me), which is something I really want to strive to do the remainder of the year.
I re-read my most recent blog today, and I've come to a realization (actually one of my dinner party guests last night helped me to reach this realization as well). I don't miss my ex romantically at all - and when it really comes down to it, I'm not certain I even miss his "friendship" because he was never really a REAL friend. I just miss the ideal of what I wanted him to be, and what I wanted the relationship with him to be - which in reality was just a dream and not even close to being real at all.
I have enough fantasy and role playing in my work life with my cam shows - I want any future romantic relationships I have to be real - not an intangible dream.
Zinfandel wine - I enjoy it so much - the flavor, the overtones of the flavor - but most of all the raw emotional honesty that it invokes from within me.
This particular blog will probably give off the vibe that I'm a weak, overly romantic, overly sentimental and an overly obsessive person, but so be it.
I miss my ex - like the desert misses the rain - literally.
It's interesting - since the "breakup" (or more like my inability to understand his actions) I've had a buffet (more than qualified by my standards) of men approach me and offer to date me. If I were many of the the other women on this planet I'd be more than happy to try out the alternatives - however I'm me, the woman who created "Monica Foster", a stubborn ass (Capricorn) bitch.
I'm not perfect. I know in my rants in previous blogs I've painted myself as the "victim", but I'm far from being innocent. However I tried. I believed that the relationship could work if I and the man of my ultimate affection worked hard enough and sacrificed enough. I hate being such an idealist, but that's simply who I am, and there's noting I can do about it.
It's been a solid month now since I've last heard from him. It's 12:30am right now on April 15, 2010. I suppose he's moved on. Maybe he's glad and relieved to be rid of me. That thought kills a part of my being, but if that's the case, so be it, and I truly hope he's happy. It's not in me to truly wish "ill will" upon anyone - especially him. I wish the best for everyone that I love and / or ever have ever loved.
I supposed I simply wish I'd had some closure on this past relationship. Truthfully I don't want it to be over. A part of me wants him back. So much happened that I won't go into ever on this blog. A good new friend of mine who's young, but who is very mature helped me come to some understandings in regards to myself and in regards to what happened between my ex and I. Right now I hurt so badly, but maybe in time I'll get over it. I just need to come to some understanding as to what exactly I need to get over.
One of my major faults - I'm a jealous person. It's a fault yes, but sometimes justifiable.
I don't see how I'll ever be able to open my heart again to anyone else to be honest. I realize now that though I think I'm a cool and great girl, I'm just not the personality type for everyone - that was the case with the man I fell in love with. He's not at fault entirely - and neither am I - however I did want an unrealistic ideal that simply didn't (I don't think at least) exist within him.
I'll miss him always, and I'm not sure how I'm going to move forward - I know eventually I will being that I've made progress so far, but I'm not sure how I'm going to complete the process...yep - I'm weak.
I don' wish how I feel, or how Kesha illustrates how I feel in thw song above, upon anyone on this earth - ever.
I'm happy to report that it's been a good week so far. For those of you who frequent my weekly private webcam shows, I'm sure you've managed to catch a few glimpses of Mighty Afrodite - again, the site WILL be launched THIS MONTH so get ready (I know I'm taking forever o get it done, but remember, I'm just a one woman band) :)
Monday I ventured out of my apartment and hung out with a good friend of mine, Cherry Ferretti (make sure you check out her website - www.CherryFerretti.com). We'd planned on just having a short lunch at a cool local sushi spot, but after the first 2 carafes of saki, we wound up letting Monday turn into a "Monday Saki and wine showdown" day. At some point after we stumbled out of the sushi place back to her apt, we had the bright idea to play American Idol Karaoke on her Wii system (I'm sure her roommate appreciated our howling while he was doing his taxes).
Speaking of taxes, I completed and filed mine, so that's over with. I think I will invest in the new Quicken software (or something of the like), to keep a better handle on my financial world this year.
Today I'm going to breeze by Ikea (my mothership) to pick up a few things for a dinner party I'm hosting tomorrow. I'm going to try my best to have a weekly Thursday dinner party/get together - I really want to make an effort to be a bit more social and I feel like that's a good way to start.
The sequel to Monica Foster - www.MightyAfrodite.com as many of you know, has taken much longer than I'd anticipated - a couple months longer in fact - however there's a reason as to why.
When I first started the project / venture , it had a completely different concept and meaning attached to it than it does now. I've decided actually to split the project into 2 parts - www.MightyAfrodite.com & www.MightyAfroDiva.com - once the sites are launched you'll see why this was necessary.
It's amazing as to how something as simple as the natural African-American hair texture can evoke such a strong reaction in people. I decided to test out the MightAfrodite/MightyAfrodiva look tonight on webcam. I've received extreme positive reaction from my webcam viewers and extreme negative as well. Later in life I may have to write a psychological analysis in regards to this project/venture.
Anyways to all my loyal fans and friends, later this month you will be in for a treat so stick with me - in the mean time enjoy the Mighty Afrodite preview weekend :)
It's 5:42am and this isn't a blog being written from me staying up all night. I actually went to sleep early last night, slept VERY well and naturally woke up early today.
Yesterday was an interesting, yet overall nice day. I did my usual daily webcam shows, updated a few pages on my websites, did a short abdominal workout (hey summer's coming and I want to look good in my bikini at the beach), and in the evening had a really nice dinner with Julie Meadows and her husband.
The dinner was the highlight of my day (GREAT tasting salmon and asparagus with a lovely red wine - yummmmmmmmm) - as many of you know I don't get out of the house too much, and when I do, it's rare that it's to hang out with people that I find truly interesting, driven and nice. If I knew more people in LA like Julie and her husband I actually wouldn't be so quick to want to relocate.
On the way to have dinner with Julie I unfortunately was rear ended by an overly hyped up, yet attractive guy in a Mercedes. It wasn't a big deal and there was no damage to my already beat up SUV so I won't be filing any reports. I love my beat up SUV - it's tough and it's taken good care of me on my cross country drive from FL to CA back in July of 2008. Since I've lived here it's struggled but has lasted. I think my SUV and I may be strongly connected :)
It's only the beginning of the week, but already I'm a busy busy bee.
I've created a financial plan for myself which I will try my best to stick to over the next couple of years. If all goes according to my plan, I should be in a strong enough position monetarily to not only put out my first "Monica Foster" branded release at the end of this year, but to also put a down payment on a condo or townhome as well. Cross your fingers for me :)
I've decided exactly where I want to relocate to next by they way BUT I will keep it under wraps for now. Come July 1st though, I will be leaving Los Angeles for at least a year!
I watched an AWESOME series on Netflix called "Cashmere Mafia" last week. I STRONGLY recommend this series (it was a TV show) to all of my fans and friends. It totally shows the pros and cons of being a strong and career driven woman in today's society.
Though I consider myself a "cute, sexy, artistic, nerdy and sometimes overly dramatic" woman, I also have come to realize that I'm much more of a kick ass business woman than I give myself credit for.
Looking back on a few people who I've allowed into my life in the past, I can understand now why they acted as negatively they did towards me - they were intimidated. There wasn't any need for them to be of course, but hey some people are just insecure.
So I've decided that anyone new who I allow into my life in a substantial way from now on, must have a lot of self confidence and drive themselves. Bottom line, they need to have PURPOSE in their lives (as I do).
Well, time for me to get back on webcam. See you online!
So far it's been a pretty busy weekend, even though I haven't left my apartment (which is just the way I like my life to be as of current).
I've had a blast on webcam so far this weekend. I have to admit my webcam shows are my primary method of socializing right now, but I love it. It's very interesting to talk to both my longtime fans and friends along with those who have just come across me via my adult acting work. I'll probably be a webcam girl on some level until I'm dead.
I decided to tackle getting my taxes done tonight and am just about through. I am actually surprised to see that I've done better this year than I initially thought. I'm really looking forward to moving out of California however, because the move should cut my living expenses substantially.
Don't forget, tomorrow is my 1 hour live webcam show for everyone who is a member of www.MonicaF.com - so don't miss out - have a Happy Easter :)
I'm feeling good today and feeling very productive.
I know that www.MightyAfrodite.com should have been launched by now, but hey, all good things are worth the wait. That particular venture is a site that needs to be presented properly and I'm still fine tuning it a bit, so please hang tight on that project.
I will be on webcam all weekend, and I may do a few "themed" shows so make sure you catch me through the links on MonicaF.com
I've come to realize that I need to take some new photos and create some new photosets for MonicaF.com, so if I wind up going into webcam overload Saturday, I'll take a break and do that. I love my new haircut, so I feel the need to showcase it on my website.
Had a good night Tuesday evening - went to Thomas Ward's (www.twardcomedy.com) comedy showcase, shot the shit with a few old and new aquaintences, had a few drinks (well more like a LOT of drinks) and fortunately made it home in one piece.
I've found that many times I WAY over do it with the alcohol when I go out and I'm putting a stop to it - it's not good for my health, other's perception of me, and how I view myself.
Overall I think most people don't see who I really am. They just see what they want to see. It's not a surprise however being that for quite some time I only saw what I wanted to see in others. I guess that's what most of us do for a substantial amount of time in our lives.
I saw my ex boyfriend as a great guy - so great in fact that when his band got back together for a reunion concert several months ago he didn't even bother to invite me and acted surprised when I showed up - I suppose I wasn't good enough in his eyes to be there (even though I know now that I was too good for him, which was what probably activated his insecurities).
I saw a couple friends of mine as just "such good girlfriends" - so great of friends they were, that one in actuality was just recruiting customers and fans for her weed selling musician boyfriend, while the others can't be bothered to hang out any other time than when THEY feel the need to socialize or need help. Fucking flakes.
I tried to go on a date the other night - big freaking mistake. I was told by the person who introduced me to him that he was a really "nice guy". Wrong. You'd think that someone successful enough to have a wikipedia article and many other write-ups on them would have enough class or common sense not to treat women as common prostitutes - well I suppose due to my having done porn, that's all I can expect nowdays. You see, I didn't realize that just because a guy cooks you dinner you're expected to sleep with him - apparently in Los Angeles you are.
Of course after the idiot realized that I was going home and that he WASN'T going to get laid, he got rude, but it didn't stop there. He THEN had the nerve to try to text me tonight as if I still on some level thought he was an "ok guy". After I had to shoot him down AGAIN, he went on and on about how he "patiently listened to my negative talking for hours" the whole night we had dinner. COME ON. I actually find it fucking pathetic that someone would put up with my oh so boring negative banter for even a minute let alone "hours" just in attempt to get into my pants. If I'm so fucking annoying WHY even bother with me? There are far more attractive women than myself with vagina's just like mine that men like him (over the hill short pricks with receding hairlines who think that TIGHT ripped jeans are still somehow cool) can date and attempt to fuck.
As of late, I've found that nearly every person I've gotten to know in Los Angeles has simply used me, tried to use me, or has most likely laughed at me behind my back.
Lately the jerks coming out of the woodwork in attempt to pimp me is out of control. If I want to be pimped jackasses, I will PIMP MY SELF.
Realizing what I fool I've been, in conjunction with just about everyone who I care about and who I thought cared about me (not just friends, but family too) exiting my life, I've decided that it's time to shut EVERYONE out all together. I've had WAY more hurt and betrayal in the past few months than some probably ever experience in a lifetime. It's a bit depressing, but I suppose it's a sign that it's about time for me to move on - emotionally and physically - so I've made the firm decision to move ASAP (I've noted on this blog before that I'm relocating, but the need to do so now is about 10 times more urgent - it's not a life or death type situation or anything - I've just had enough or Los Angeles for now).
To those of you who are reading this, please make sure you get as many webcam shows with me as possible, because I really need to rack up some moving dollars!
Yea, this blog was kind of negative, but hey, this is where my life is at as of current. Let this be a record for any young woman who decides to try porn, regular acting or just about anything out here in Los Angeles as to how tough this city and situation is.