Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Another blog 100% from the woman who created Monica Foster.
The Reasons Behind the Apology

I've received some feedback from my blog readers, site members, and myspace friends inquiring as to why I wrote an apology and my current thoughts in regards to the Not the Cosbys XXX adult movie. Well here's your answer:

Life's a journey - a long journey full of ups and downs - but primarily filled (from the moment we're self aware) by the choices that we make. Usually I try my best to fully think out the majority of the choices I make to the best of my ability - however even though I try my best to fully think things through, sometimes it's not until later that I realize I didn't have enough information, life experience and/or education to have made the right decision.

This was the case in my decision to play the role I did in the above stated adult movie. Again I'll say I enjoyed the experience of playing the role for the most part - I learned a lot - both in front of and behind the camera. There isn't a better studio that I'm aware of that could have produced the movie - they've produced MANY very good and entertaining adult movies. A lot of care went into many of the details of the production.

The learning process didn't end with the completion of production though - I've continued to learn about how such a movie (even though it's simply a parody) can and has affected certain individuals (of which to these individuals, the Cosby show was much more than a just a silly sitcom) very negatively. Being the sensitive and emotional woman I am, I feel badly about it.

I'm not going to state who I was contacted by specifically (though I will say it was individuals of which worked on the Cosby show directly), but these particular people really affected how I view the overall "porn parody" trend & concept. I'm not against XXX parodies (it was a good way for a while to revitalize the porn industry - though now it's time to move along) - only parodies that really can be damaging to a REAL person rather than a FICTITOUS CHARACTER or a movie/series which may be considered distasteful to mock (for lack of a better way to put it) .

The individuals who contacted me didn't attack me, via written form or verbally. One in particular actually took the time to see what I was all about BEFORE contacting me, which in my eyes showed a lot of consideration. These individuals explained in a very well thought out, passionate and sincere form that they were very saddened, hurt and disappointed as artists and professionals that anyone would have mocked and reproduced in an X rated form something that they put years of hard work and effort into.

I can understand their perspective. Hell, if something that I took seriously, was passionate about and worked hard on for years was mocked in a way that offended me I'd be upset as well. I truly do feel like an idiot for not having had the insight beforehand.

No one has or ever will make me apologize for anything I don't want to apologize for. However if I'm wrong, I'll openly say, that I'm wrong, made a poor choice and am sorry. If you go through your entire life without finding that you've been wrong in some of your actions, then most likely something's not quite right in your head. I've been told that I'm being too hard on myself on this one - I don't think I am at all. I'm very glad that I went through this experience as I've grown and learned from it - so that's the end of it.

My relocation from south Florida in the summer of '08 out to California and many of the events that followed were fantastic experiences which added to my path of self development - however many of these experiences have been some of the most difficult experiences that I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with them alone and to be honest, without much of a support system. Some of my experiences were the result of choices that I made without thinking them through enough - I tried however and continue to try.

As I've stated in previous blogs, I'm going through a phase of serious self re-evaluation, re-assessment, growth and change - my goal is to become a strong, successful and emotionally "together" woman in every facet possible - I choose to share some of my journey via this blog and websites with whoever comes across them. Maybe I shouldn't - regardless it's my decision to do so for now.

All I ask of my readers and viewers, is not to overly judge because you can't see through my eyes or walk in my shoes. Only I live my life.

In other news, I received a nice email yesterday, so I thought I'd share it to add some positivity to today's blog:

I've never seen you perform but yet I'm a fan! I found a link to your
insightful and honest "Getting Into Porn" site off of The Pro-Porn Activism
blog. I've always been interested in "the business" both personally and
academically (long story: I attempted to use porn and webcam performers in a
thesis on "identity formation", but the powers that be "suggested" I look
elsewhere), and your blog, along with the "Getting Into" site, make for
great reading!

Thanks Jim, I really needed that positivity and encouragement.