Lately I've been dealing with a lot of pain - both physical and emotional. If the saying of "God only dishes out to you what you can take" is true, then I must be an incredible bad ass.
The one thing I've realized about pain though, is that eventually, it dulls and then finally you get some relief. The relief is the best part.
I can't wait until next summer. I've made up my mind to make the move to Las Vegas no matter what, and I'm very excited. Though I'm lonely at times, it's great to know that I no longer have ties to south florida anymore.

So tonight I got to meet Dennis Rodman in person while he was on his way to the bathroom at Voodoo Lounge in Fort Lauderdale. That make's a total of 2 major NBA players (Dennis and Shaq) that I've been able to come across in a social setting - how funny.
Tonight was yet another fun night out with my friend Erica. After resting up this afternoon and doing cam shows all night tonight I felt the urge to go out - maybe it was the full moon.
I called up my girl Erica and since she was down to go out (and this was around 2am) we decided to get dressed and hit some clubs. Initially we were going to go to Oxygen down in Coconut Grove, but due to lack of funds for gas, we decided that Downtown Fort Lauderdale would be our best bet.
Voodoo Lounge has a drag queen show on Sundays so stopped by and wound up staying till closing. The show was GREAT and the crowd was awsome. You don't have to be gay to party there at all - it's just a really good and positive vibe with awsome DJ's and great music. I wound up meeting a really cool male model and his boyfriend who hopefully me and Erica will get to hang with sometime soon (but that's for another night of partying).
After Voodoo and Dennis Rodman, Erica and I needed to wind down so we hit the hard rock center bar for a couple drinks and cigerettes. That was chill. The Hardrock will always be the best after party wind down scene.
Well it's about 6am, so back to the cam shows and other projects.

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Last night was "ladies night" to the extreme.


I called up my friend Erica and we decided to hit a club called Pangea over at the Hard Rock casino. Ladies were supposed to drink free till 12am. Well Pangea's ladie's night SUCKS - why? Because the only "free drink" that ladies could have was a mixer with vodka. I HATE vodka - but I was already there so I suffered through 3 vodka cranberries.
A networking event was going on at the club that night, so I managed to get a few business cards passed out, which was cool - met an actor and a supposed "music video director" who was interested in having my friend Erica dance in the video - I told her to be careful but I hope the opportunity works out for her.
At around 12:30am we left Pangea and hit the "center bar" in the casino - my favorite bartender AJ was there, and he hooked us up with 2 more vodka cranberries - at this point in the night, the vodka really wasn't so bad.
Around 1am I called up a local boy I know (and supposed pro. gambler), "Jesse James", who I fucked once in the past - I figured I'd try to get a party crew together before Erica and I hit downtown Fort Lauderdale - what a mistake.

We stopped by Jesse James' place around 1am - over the phone he said he had more vodka at his place - but he didn't of course. However he had Jagermeister and Red bull so I made Erica and I a couple jagerbombs to keep our buzz going.
Now when I drink I tend to talk A LOT and I get very analytical, blunt and honest. At some point in the hour or so I was at Jesse James' crib I think I dissed him in some way, I'm not sure, but I'll tell you this:
Before Erica and I left, he and I started to mess around , and in the middle of the actual sexual act, he proclaims "your body won't let me fuck you".
Ok, guys, maybe it's just me, but if a girl is on your bed, naked, legs spread, excited and is saying "fuck me" HOW IN THE HELL is her body not letting you fuck her?
I think Jesse James has some sexual issues that he needs to address. Impotence - maybe. Insecurity issues - definitely (he wouldn't turn on the light in his room). Used to paying for it rather than having it given to him - most likely (he hangs in strip clubs and goes to vegas frequently so you know what's up with him and the hookers).
This dude also asked me, "how many guys have lied to you and told you that you're good in bed". Well - considering that I'm incredibly hot, sexy and smart to boot, I could just lay there and I'm still incredible in bed :) Some people just don't know when to drop to their knees and thank god...
Oh, by the way, Jesse James' roommate is HOT - I didn't realize how hot he was before when I met him. Erica gave him her number. She and I should take him out sometime.
Anyways because I was so toasted at that point the incident didn't phase me. Erica and I left and hit downtown fort lauderdale's Art Bar where there were yet more free drinks. They have a kick ass ladies night!!! Oh, AND they have a stripper pole too - yea!!!!!
We had a blast. So all and all Thursday night was great.

Today I've been thinking about where I'm going professionally. First and foremost I'm so tired of being poor and broke so I have to figure out how to turn that around quick. At the same time though, I don't want to compromise who I am and what I'm okay with .
I need to find out who hires girls like Bobbi Billard and Christine Dolce - that's my niche.

Once again I'm entering a cycle in which sleep isn't coming easily. That's ok though because I feel like I'm always playing catch up financially. It seems as if no matter what I do, I can't ever get ahead with my bank account. Today my network card in my main computer decided to die - arg - yet another expense. At least I am tech savvy enough to know the least expensive venue of repairing the problem.
Today I picked up the "partnership" contracts from the assistant of the person I'm going into business with for the www.sheereleganceusa.com website - I was under the impression it would be a true 50/50 partnership but the contract has the partnership as 49/51 (not in my favor). I don't like that. Yes, my partner has deep discounts in regards to the merchandise supply, BUT he'd be earning 50% of the profits and I'm essentially doing all the work (photography of products programming of the site, design or the site, marketing of the site, etc). Life isn't fair but in business I want a fair shake - other wise why even bother?
Last night I did another broadcast of REDTback - the broadcast was full of nothing but tech problems. ARG!
I've decided to start selling off my Monica Foster wardrobe/costumes on my site - wonder if anyone will buy the stuff. I kind of hope not, as I'm attached to most of it. Clothes go through life with you and hold lots of memories - at least for me they do.

Well, it's been a busy week socially - and as of late I've made some pretty good new connections which I hope will turn into some positive and healthy friendships.
Last night I went out with a new female friend of mine and we had a BLAST. I'm glad too, because I want to work the entire weekend so I probably won't be going out again untill next week.
I'm feeling so good about being single again. It's nice being totally free to do what I want when I want.
I finally figured out a coffee table solution. I've never been one for conventional furniture, so finding a coffee table that's the right price and look to suit my style has been hard, but I wound up coming across some really awsome side tables that you can put together in groups to form a coffee table. They look great.
I can't really have a lot of furniture because most of my apartment is set up for photography. Hopefully next year I'll be able to move into a larger place where I can have a designated room specifically set up as a photography studio.

I'm not sure why I thought it was a given that people over the age of 35 were beyond playing mind games and having alterior motives when it comes to matters of business, dating and sex. At least after this weekend I now have yet an even clearer picture than before - which is a good thing have for future events.
Well I'm done with ALL the programming of the SheerEleganceUSA.com site. YEA!!!!! All I have to do now is upload the final lingerie products into the system and that's it. In time I need to get more swimwear products (one pieces, coverups, etc) but as of now, I'm done - hopefully people will buy from the site.
This week I'm going to do some more pictorials for my monica site.
I bought a vacuum cleaner today. I've been meaning to do so starting about a month back, but hey, at least I accomplished something on my "to do " list today.
I want to meet a man like Keanu Reeves. I'm going to stick with being idealistic when it comes to men, even though some people have recently told me that I need to compromise. Compromising is no fun and in this day and age, I need to make sure I have as much fun as humanly possible.

Today I shot the first samples of swimwear for my online catalog sheereleganceusa.com and the photos look great. I will edit them while I do cam shows tonight and hopefully have the site up and running by Saturday evening.
I hope that this lingerie/swimwear catalog is successful. I really could use the extra income, either way though, the whole thing has been a great learning experience for me in respect to the world of business.
One of the models I shot today photographed SOOOOO well. Both girls I shot were attractive but this girl, Carrie, had a very unique quality. She had a good personality as well. It's great to meet other women who are attractive but self assured - very rare.
It is so freakin hot down here in South Florida. I wouldn't mind taking a vacation to somewhere a bit cooler.
I'm going to forget about trying to find a "bootycall" because apparently the powers that be, are preventing that from happening anyways. It's probably for the best - II don't need to be promiscuous - I'm too pretty for that :)

Well, I'm finally done messing with the lower end local talent in regards to South Florida men. I think that men from South Florida in my age range for the most part really are emotionally and mentally impared. I called up not just 1 but 2 men to try to arrange a quickie for myself last night, and neither one got back to me. Either it's something wrong with me, or it's them, and since I'm close to perfection - it's definitely them. Funny - as soon as my sex drive finally kicks up, I can't find a decent dick anywhere.

Anyways tonight I'm going to Rachel's up in west palm for dinner and drinks. That'll be fun. Amazing how my outer life revolves around glamour, sensuality and sex but my yet personal life lacks those qualities ealmost completely.

Well, this week should be fairly busy. I really want to work as much as possible towards the completion of the sheereleganceusa.com online catalog. I also want to add some much needed new features to my monicaf.com website.
I'm hoping by the end of the week I can afford the new computer I so desperately need. We'll see :)
Early this afternoon I have to make the dreaded drive to South Beach. Ugh, I hate going there. It's so freaking pretentious, but hey, I have to follow the money.
By the end of the month I need to have enrolled in a gym. I've gotta get in tip top shape. I want to get my breast implants by th end of the year, so I want to be in top knotch condition for that.
Later today I also want to start my website Monica Memorabilia auctions and I need to find out about a high end printer for my erotic art.
I've had 2 excellent job offers over the past 2 days. Unfortunately they were both for high end porn projects. I'm definitely not moving into the direction of porn, so I Had to turn both proejcts down. Maybe oneday a good mainstream gig will come my way. Staying positive and optimistic :)
This Thursday I'll probably be going out with my new friend Erika - that'll be a ton of fun, I'll be sure to take some pics to add to my blog :)

Reasons...some people say things just are - well that's possible - I believe anything and everything is possible but I personally feel that there are concrete reasons for everything. A reason for why we are who we are, why we do what we do , why we say what we say, etc.
I'm going to pull the Martin Luther King card and say "I had a dream". I actually had a very very very vivid dream last night about something personal, that I probably shouldn't be aware of but am - and if the dream is accurate, then I can see very clearly why my life has been and is as it is, where I'm going and the reason as to why.
God - I believe in God and I believe that we all have a definite purpose set for us, whether it's a purpose that we agree with and want or not. Now do we have choices and free will? Of course - it's a really intricate pattern as to how it's all interlaced, but choice, free will and pre-destination all work together.
I think God/the powers that be decided to show me a part of my reason for being because I was about to give up.
To conclude this blog, my advice to anyone reading this is to not give up on your dreams, because your dreams put you on a course to find out why you're really here in this world. I questioned my exhistance for a long time, now I know part of the reason "why".
It will be interesting to see when the reason why finds me and how.

What a week. I've been very productive lately as far as my creativity is concerned but I'm still not seeing much of a financial return. I'm so tired of being broke. I got all my bills paid last month so I'm proud of myself but I have no extra. Hell, I want some new clothes and a dining room and bedroom set.
It's so funny, yesterday I went to the beach with a friend of mine and his friend. My friend was telling me about how he's tired of supporting girls he's in relationships with and his friend said the same. Hell - WHO are these girls and HOW are they able to get these guys to do this? Not once have a dated a guy who's wanted to support me. Then again maybe I exude too much strength. And actually when I think about it some more, I'd rather get by on my own anyways than having to pander to some guy.
I guess what I really want is for a guy to not support me, but to spoil me with gifts, trips, etc. Hell if he wanted to pay off a few of my bills that would be nice too. I don't need total support but some help would be nice.
Last night I went off durring my RED Tback broadcast. Yet another guest didn't call in as scheduled and I blew up. I initially created the show to be a sounding board for women in the industry but due to lack of interest and support from my intended audience, now the show will cater more toward the male clientel base of gentlemen's clubs.
I've gotta get MFexclusive going.
I'm getting a little sick of trying to get this Sheerelegance project together. I don't feel like I'm getting enough input/support from the company itself. We'll see what happens.
This weekend I'm not leaving my apartment. I'm just going to make as much money off my cam shows as possible. Plus I'm PMSing like crazy.
I was contacted via myspace by a new artist who has a song out called Pole Position . It's a cool song, I would like to have the artist as a guest on RED Tback.
So to close this blog, I know I'm having a hard time now but things will get better. Hell, I'm hot and I'm creative so I'm bound to achive some level of success. I'm just going to keep working on letting go of the past (hypocritical family, ex's, past friends, etc). I'm gonna use Halle Berry as an inspiration. At one time she was homeless and look at how far she's gone. That's amazing to think about. I'll tell you this, I bet all the assholes she dated in the past who did her wrong feel like complete idiots now. They are complete idiots. Go Halle.

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I find myself working so hard every day but I'm really not seeing many results. Sometimes, especially as of late, I feel like just throwing in the towel and giving up. I'm broke, my family doesn't communicate with me and I feel like 99% of the people out there have completely the wrong idea about who I am and what I'm about.
I can't give up though, Monica Foster, ID-CD Productions, Red T-Back and my new venture with Sheer Elegance is all I have and I'm not about to start over again. I just have to butch up, buck up and keep moving forward.
Lately there have been a few new people who have entered my life who believe in me. It's these few new people that are helping me keep faith in myself. I don't have a problem with working hard - I never have - I just need to start seeing some results.
I shot a new pictorial yesterday. I think it looks great. Though I don't have the proper equipment, I'm going to start my video work with what I've got to work with. Hopefully by the end of the month I'll have everything I need technical wise.
Though I get depressed sometimes, I'm excited about my future. I can see the direction I'm headed in and it's good. I guess sometimes in life you have to give up and let go of things and people you love who can't see your full potential - especially when you know what you are creating and want will come to fruition with time.