Thursday, September 27, 2007

I've finally regained communication with everyone in my life who's most important to me - my mom, dad and sister - so I'm really happy. You really don't realize how much your family means to you until they're not immediately in your life. I'm not going to let that breakdown of communication happen again, regardless of how weird I'm viewed as being :)

Speaking of being viewed as "weird" - it's amazing how what you do for a living truly is how you're defined as a person in our little "western world" society and mentality.
Lately I've acused (much more frequently now than just a few months ago) that I try to justify my work as "art", "a project", "a career" or "an endeavor" in order to make myself feel better about "just doing porn". Sorry but if that's how you see what I've created and built for myself - then your mind is small, and could probably be shattered at any moment. Before you twist, turn and fold up my actions into a neat little box, consider this:

The truth is that nothing can REALLY be totally defined. Why? Because everyone has a totally different perspective and experience in this universe.

I've been thinking lately that I need to put together a required reading and/or viewing list of books and movies that a person should have to go through before they are allowed to get to know me. On that list would be:
The Guru
The Girl Next Door
Flashdance
Contact
The Way of the Shaman
Highlander (the entire televsion series)

In other news, I'm going to put more effort into RED TBack again (www.redtback.com), even if it's just sticking to my 10pm Tuesday and Friday broadcasting schedule. I managed to do a broadcast this past Friday, and it actually turned out pretty well. I and my co-host harmony had a good convo on the air about maintaining control of your website and if you're planning on getting into working as a cam girl/guy.
I think I'm going to take my cam girl persona into the "fetish" scene - not int a major hardcore way, but hell, I think it'll be fun to try being a "cyber/webcam dom" for a while. I'm already naturally bossy so it's not too much of a stretch. Plus my friend Amanda has given me some positive encouragement to at least try this angle :)
I discovered a new clothing trend this morning that I didn't know about before: Cyberwear - check out this link:
http://www.kinkyangel.co.uk and click on the "cyberwear" subcategory - really cool stuff. I think I'm going to implement this style into my look for a while.
Later today I think I'm going to cut my hair into that Jenna Jameson/Posh Spice cut. Gotta stay current - ya know?
Well I'm still smoke free and I'm feeling great. Next week I will start a regular workout schedule.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

This is a very personal posting but what the fuck, I'm drunk and I doubt anyone important or noteworthy reads this so who cares.
I'm a nicotine junkie. I'm still free of the drug but tonight after drinking some wine I got desperate and actually rummaged through all my trash to try to find a cigerette. I didn't and coudln't find one so I'm still smoke free and I'm happy for that, yet I'm depressed.
I'm so alone. Sometimes I feel like killing myself. My parents are so ashamed of me cause I'm naked online, even though it's how I earn a living. My sister doesn't really speak to me anymore. I know she's busy with her kid but she could call but she doesn't.Sometimes I just want to die. No one loves me. No one ever has.
I don't feel sorry for myself. just very alone.
anyways i'm going to try my best to just keep going with my personal projects as trivial and insiginificant as they may be.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Though I'm only a social / occasional smoker, I've decided to quit and am sticking to it. Unfortunately it really is difficult. In the past I had a max of 5 cigerettes a day (usually my max would be on the weekend if I was out at a bar or club with friends) and a minimum of 1, maybe even 0 cigerettes a day (usually I'd just light up after a really good meal). I'm quitting though because I I hate being dependent on anyone or anything and in the future if I have children I don't want their mom to be a smoker. Also I want to start a more rigorous workout routine so I need the extra energy and stamina that smoking takes away.
As light of a smoker as I was, the withdrawel symptoms have hit. I guess my lungs are beginning to totally clear and heal because I really do feel like I have a cold. Lots of coughing, sore dry throat, runny nose. Ugh. It sucks. I can deal with the cravings - whenever I want to smoke I just drink a lot of water. I know I'm getting much more oxygen than I did in the past due to some slight dizziness.
Quitting smoking takes some serious will power, but I can do it.
Anyways in other news I have a few modeling gigs coming up so that's good. I can't waitto buy that new video camera I want. Just about a week away from doing so.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

I am so happy that things in my life are finally beginning to come together as they should financially and on a personal emotional level. Though there are a lot of people both unfamiliar and familiar to me which may not agree as to how I've gone about things in my life, I know I've taken the path that I needed to in order to become the woman I am today (and that woman really ain't that shabby).
As I'm going through the process of really shaping my adult life, I'm starting to realize that there are certain other areas of my life that need to be fixed so I am going to make sure that I set myself, and life up to where these fixes both can and will take place.
I'm going to be very proactive in regards to the areas of my life that I want repaired, so anyone or anything that plans on attempting to stand in my way, may want to think twice because I will not be slowing down or stopping for yellow or red lights.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I'm hoping that by the end of the month I'll be able to purchase the video camera I've had my eye on for a while now. Mostly because I'm aching to get started on a few video projects I've had in mind for quite a while now.
This weekend I'm going to start some sort of a detox program. Between now and Christmas I want to improve my diet and exercise routine.
Here's a warning for anyone who reads this: DO NOT TAKE TYLENOL PM. I took 2 caplets the other night and had a VERY bad reaction to it. I did some research online and found a forum dedicated pretty much to the dangers of the over the counter drug. Goes to show that even if it's legal it can be harmful.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Saki and cellphones DO NOT mix! That was the ending lesson of this past weekend.
This past weekend was both productive and lucrative actually so no real complaints. Saturday I had a photoshoot with Dave Parks Photography again. I'm really looking forward to seeing the pictorial sets from the shoot. From the previews of the raw images I've seen, the shots look really great.
I did cam shows during the day on Sunday and Sunday night I went out to eat to Hiro's (a sushi joint) in North Miami with a friend of mine where we downed about 3 karafs of Saki between us. Needless to say we were LIT UP upon leaving.
Luckily I got home safely - unluckily I made a few phone calls I don't entirely remember to some people - oops.
Next time I go out and drink, I think I'll turn my phone off or leave it home all together.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Last night was a ton of fun. I finally had a successful "girls night out" with my friend Amanda. We hit the outside bar over at Nikki Marina across from the diplomat hotel - honestly the scene sucked. NO ONE was there and the few people that WERE there were incredibly annoying. We had one drink and split.
After that, we hit downtown Hollywood and stopped by my old work Coyote Bar. It was ok, but again , the scene sucked guy wise.
I've come to the conclusion that because of the war, all the GOOD guys are overseas and only the cowards without enough balls to join the army are still around. Yuck. No 6 packs I guess untill Bush is out of office. Someone PLEASE bring the troops home! We need men with GOOD bodies back!
I actually got another installment of RED TBACK done yesterda. It's only about 15 mins long but it rocked.
Anyways I didn't drink too much for once and I'm glad. I actually woke up feeling ok today.
Well I better get dressed because I have that photo shoot today. Later people!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Well today I didn't get to much accomplished. I was wiped out from a photoshoot yesterday I worked as a model with a really good photographer named Dave Parks - I can't wait to see the photos.
Well, I finally did it, I bought a new computer!!! Well, it's actually used, but it's new to me :) It's a Dell laptop, and I found it through craigslist. I still plan I getting a tower, but untill I can save enough to purchase the one I really want, this laptop will do. It's faster and better than my older computers anyways and I mainly just needed a better system for the broadcasts of my REDTBack show and my weekly cam shows on camz.com
Tomorrow I have a meeting with a new client, a pastor of all things, who's interested in me building their website, photographing them, and customizing their myspace page. Should be an interesting project.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Well today so far has been a busy but happy day. Woke up kind of early, did some work on line and then decided I'd better get that head light changed so I found a local automotive place that did the job pretty cheap, and they were really nice. I might take my car back there later to try to get my AC and air intake fixed later on in the month.
I take back what I wrote a few days ago about not allowing my dad and sister in my life. I guess I just need time to heal after the "release of information" myself. I'm still figuring out life I suppose and in all honesty, I need all the love around me from family that I can manage to have.
My dad sent me a card today. It made my day. I'll be happy for quite a while now.
I have a photo shoot today with Dave Parker photography. I am so used to photographing myself via my "interval timer method", that I'm not sure how I'll do getting back into the studio solely as a model, but we'll see.
Tonight hopefully I can do a "do over" with Amanda. By the end of the day today I will really need a Mango Margarita.
People who don't drink are missing out - I feel that way at least for this stage of my life.
Well today was a mixture of good times, cool people, irritating situations and stupid people.
I wish I had never worked with Sheer Elegance. Not only was it a waste of time, but it exposed me to a world of total users and basket cases and pettiness. I learned from the experience - yes, but via the worst possible method. I hope that company stays in business for a long time so that it and it's owner can continue to wallow in the present state of misery they currently exist in.
Anyways in other news the past couple of days I've had lunch with a really cool guy that I hope to get to learn more about in the near future. This persona understands the concept of how fun it is to go out to eat . Yea, it's a luxury in a way but a simple one. More people should have margaritas at noon. The world would be a better place.
Tonight I had sushi with my new friend Amanda. That was SO much fun. I was still buzzed from the margaritas earlier. It's always great to have a girls night out with someonen who's life is similiar to my own. It's that common ground thing in friendships that makes a friendship worth while.
On the way home I got a ticket for one of my headlights being out. Ugh. If I could have changed the thing myself I would have but the fucking Ford motor company makes changing a head light a freaking process which is something I don't know how to do. That cop didn't HAVE to give me the ticket but whatever. that's life.
To conclude this blog, I just want to put out a notice to women in south florida to beware of men with good bodies. They are all male sluts who use their looks for services and goods. The only thing that can stop them is what stops us all...time.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

It's been a very busy weekend for me so far - very creatively productive. However not financially productive - but oh well, I'm convinced that I will never get ahead when it comes to money and never be remotely rich - primarily because I'm a giver and not a taker - I think most artists are, and unfortunately that's what leads to serious depression within most artistic people.
I recently met a male model who I think will go very far in his career. Why? Well looks wise, he's absolutely gorgeous, but along with the looks he has serious drive. A lot of times it's more of the drive than the God given gift that makes someone a success.
I miss my sister and my dad a lot. I miss them but at this point I dislike them both due to their hypocracy, selfishness, and the saddness that they've envoked within me. I've decided I will not allow either of them back into my life, even if they were to ask. A part of me is glad everything's happened as it has because I guess this shows me how people in life that you love, really can be and are.
I'm lacking joy in life, and that lack of joy and making my will and deminish. I need something - ANYTHING - really great and special to happen in my life sometime soon.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Today was a VERY busy day. Busy but productive so I'm quite happy.
I'm making some steps in the positive direction in regards to opening a photography studio again. I'm thinking that by the end of the year, if not sooner, I should have that accomplished.
The chef I was supposed to go out with last night acknowledged that he was in the wrong in regards to his late cancellation - that was pretty big of him, but I can't give another chance to a person who has so many preconceived assumptions about me and to someone that insecure from the start. I've already been down that road.
Late today after I had all of my personal work done, I had a chance to photograph an up and coming model who's signed with the Elite agency. I haven't come across someone so focused and driven in a long time. It was refreshing. I think the young man will go far.
I didn't want the time to come, that I would be able to completely let go of my attachment to my sister and father. Unfortunately the time came and went without me realizing it due to their choice of discontinuing contact with me. It actually makes life much simpler this way. I'm glad my mom and I still talk. My mom and other people in my life make my life full enough :)

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Well, the chef I was supposed to go out with tonight was a complete loser and flake.
I should post a link to this loser's myspace so that people reading this can see who this person is.
I was so looking forward to going out with him tonight, he seemed really cool and like a quality person. Wrong. This asshole has the nerve to wait until around 9pm tonight to call me and say that he's "shakey" on whether or not to take me out because he doesn't get paid till Friday. Um, if I was looking to just date him for monetary purposes I wouldn't have agreed to go out with him to begin with.
I am so sick and tired of people asumming that because I'm attractive that I'm only looking for a guy with a ton of $$. Maybe that's what I SHOULD look for since that's what's expected.
I 'm also sick of men thinking that I don't have any damn feelings and that it's ok to be as inconsiderate as to wait till the last minute to cancel a date with me.
Does this asshole not have any social skills? I cleared my whole damn night for this fool.
Guys like him are what make women like me into bitches. I just expect too much from people who aren't really worth my time.
I called the guy back and left him a message that he's an idiot and to grow up and that I won't be rescheduling with him. If he's too damn dumb to take his shot with me when he had the chance then let him date average to ugly chicks with kids who are on wellfair like he's probably used too.

Next.
I was told yesterday during my weekly show on Camz.com by a viewer in the chat room that I'm too into myself. Well, I'm not only too into myself...I'm totally into myself. Why? Cause I only have myself. I'm the only person in my universe that matters.
It took me a long time to reach that conclusion. I'm glad I finally have, and now I can start working on really being happy.
Well, I think I've biologically reached my sexual peak. Just great, the one time in my life when I'm not in a "relationship" I'm actually horny. Weird how life is.
Tonight I'm supposed to meet up with that chef guy - I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully I'll have a good time.

Monday, September 03, 2007

There's no better treat, than going out to eat. Period!
If there's one thing about my life that I wouldn't trade for anything, it's the fact that I probably have the opportunity to go out to incredible restaurants more so than most. I love it. Why? Because I love the sensations of "taste" and "flavor".
Last night I had the chance to hang with my new friends Amanda and Tree - 2 awsome young women by the way - of whome invited me out to dinner at the Diplomat Country Club. Now I've never been there before but it was QUITE the experience. Anyways the events of the night paled in comparison to the FOOD. I had the filet mignon. It was DIVINE!!!!! If I could have that meal for dinner for the rest of my life I'd be so happy. It was just fantastic.
Recently I've connected with someone new via the interenet - don't roll your eyes just yet, hopefully we'll meet up on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it. He's a chef, which is perfect for me.
Though I'm happy being single again I really miss having a solid and steady boyfriend. I didn't used to be someone who craved physical affection, but lately I've been that girl. In other words I'm horny. But not just for sex, I can get that anywhere and it's not fullfilling. I want a hot guy who can and wants to really make love to me.
Maybe that's why I've been so into food lately, eating a good meal is close to the sensation of having great sex.
My dreams at night lately have not been helping either.

Sunday, September 02, 2007

Finally it's a new month - welcome September of '07. I have a feeling that this month will be great.
Friday night in celebration of getting all my monthly bills paid on time, my friend Erica and I met up, along with her current boyfriend and his friend, Ted, to go out.
First we hit up a local strip club in Fort Lauderdale - after about 2 Jack Daniels and Cokes, we left there to hit up the Hard Rock. Once at the hard rock we had SOOOOO much fun, unfrotunately Erica's boyfriend and Ted didn't realize that they couldn't get into certain clubs due to the fact they were wearing "sneakers" (which is a stupid rule), but that was ok, because we hung out at Murphy's and the center bar where once again I got to chill with my favorite bartender AJ.
At the center bar, a stupid fat mulatto girl got a little agressive with me in a conversation having to do with race. I think she really just wastrying to get with Ted (he was hot, but not my type), and she was afraid I was "preventing that from happening" when in reality the only thing holding her back was her fat self.
All in all, I had a really great time out on Friday.
One thing I realized though, is that african american males have to display a LOT of restraint in public - why? because I hate to say it but many white and non-black males really do try to agrevate confrontations with black guys to try to "prove themselves". It's sad. I noticed that Ted has to put up with a lot of that crap. The experience an African American woman has in our society is completely different from the experience of an african american man, but the one common factor that both sexes deal with in relation to white men is the theme of "conquest".
Not all, but many, white men in america still have a fucking chip on their shoulder when it comes to african-americans. The males, they want to still try to dominate or lock up due to feelings of physical and sexual inferiority and the women they still want to sleep with to try to prove that they can "step up" to the ranks of the myth of "black sexuality". Dumb, but true.
I think more people need to realize this.
I don't think I will be dating any more white men for a while, well I take that back. I just won't be dating any american white men.