Sunday, May 25, 2008

For the first time in a very long time I feel stuck - stuck psychologically at least. I have options as far as what to do with my time/life, but as of current I'm not really crazy about any of them. I'm even more dissatisfied with my surroundings, but I'm clueless as to where to find satisfaction.
I don't think doing the adult video thing is really for me, even though I'd like it to be. If doing adult video was strictly about the "work", it would be perfect. However way too many politics and way too many ass kissers are involved for my taste. There's also way to much gossip and back stabbing (surprisingly not primarily via the women in the biz either).
I guess I thought that doing porn would be more fun - so far my "fun factor" is very low while my "stress factor" is steadily raising.
I'm happy with the work I've had the opportunity to do so far, but I don't see many more projects coming my way anytime soon that will be of the same or better quality.
I anticipated on making a bit more money so far than I have, so that's a little disappointing as well. One of the main reasons I got into this was to improve my life financially in a major way. My lack of bookings sure isn't improving much of anything.
Maybe I'm just impatient, or jumping the gun, but I don't think that I have the potential of doing as well in "porn-world" as I thought. I can still build on what I've done, and more importantly what I've learned out here, but I have to figure something else out to do with myself. I just don't know exactly what.
I suppose the few videos I've done will draw more traffic to my websites, camshows and other projects, which is a good thing. In a few months I'll be able to (hopefully) reopen my photography studio again and start shooting more glamour/adult oriented work, so I'm sure being associated with porn may help with that.
Unfortunately though, now that I've done porn, my options in "mainstream life" are substantially limited, I hate to admit it, but they are. My dating pool is limited probably even more so. I'll probably never have a family and my relationships with my family members are just about completely severed. Even worse, my potential to attract stalkers and people who want to be around me for totally the wrong reasons has probably gone up, so I have to be aware of that.
I feel more isolated in life than before, that's for sure. Maybe when I get back to Florida, I'll feel better, but out here in LA, it seems like NO ONE socializes - especially with people in adult. Boring Boring Boring. I've met a couple cool people to pass some time with, but the scene is not close to what I'm used too.
I don't see how my life even turned in this direction. Why couldn't I have been like other women my age and settled down with a decent guy and have a couple kids. Am I really this dis-functional?
I don't regret any of the choices I've made, even though I complain. I just wish at times that my choices were viewed differently and that the outcomes of my choices would have worked out differently. Maybe I was just born in the wrong reality - oops, too much sci-fi on that comment.
Now that I've written this I realize that I'm not "Stuck" - just unsure. I can see now why so many people live a "cookie cutter"/"do as your told" life - not having to think is bliss, where as having to think is hell.