Today I feel about 80% back to normal from the flu. It's so good to be able to get back into my groove of working again.

Part of what actually kept my spirits up while I was ill, was my newfound interest in "Blaxsploitation" films. Coffy is my new hero (sorry Batman and Spiderman, you have to take 2nd and 3rd place now). If you're unfamiliar with what Blaxspoitation films are, check out the video below:



Pam Grier's work will be influencing my newest project "Mighty Afrodite" a bit.

So I'll be heavily on webcam this week for all of you out there who enjoying stopping by virtually and saying hello :)

I just found out that this Saturday I will be interviewed for a documentary on the adult industry, so I'm very excited about that. Then next Tuesday I'll be on a friend of mine's radio show - I'll post more details about that later.

Well back to work - I've got the techno tracks blasting and I feel locked into the matrix (aka my apartment), so see ya'll online!!!!!!!!!

Slowly but surely I'm getting over this nightmare of a flu I came down with over the past few days. I'm so grateful to be feeling halfway normal again. I'm also grateful that I was able to take care of myself in this situation.

As I wrote in my previous blog, this flu really made me realize that I need to take steps in only surrounding myself with people I can count on when the going gets tough.

When you live alone, falling ill can be VERY scary. Wednesday morning I woke up and knew that I was catching a cold - little did I know that it was going to go WAY beyond "common cold" into the full blown flu.

I know some of you reading this may say "oh boo hoo - little miss overly dramatic got the flu" - well in my case getting a cold, or even the flu is actually a very big deal because I'm mildly asthmatic.

Luckily I'm not severely asthmatic - mainly thanks to my mother who does not believe in traditional medical thought or practices (I actually hate even defining myself as "asthmatic" because just about every person I've ever known who's had asthma has been a whiney overly coddled little prick - I think my mother - who's mildly asthmatic as well felt the same).

Growing up, rather than telling me that I COULDN'T over exert myself my mother felt that if I didn't develop my lungs as much as possible through sports and other activities that required a lot of cardio type activity, that I'd be reliant on inhalers and such my entire life. I think that she was right considering that I rarely have had asthma attacks after the age of about 8 AND that I went on to hold the district record for the mile run for about 2 years in Broward County when I was a sophomore in highschool (I have a lot of endurance and yes I am bragging).

Asthma has never effected anything I've ever wanted to do in life which is great. I only realize that it's there when I catch a cold or a dreaded flu. Even being only mildly asthmatic when I get the flu, I can have severe breathing issues. It's rare for me to have too many problems, but if I don't watch it, my airways can become constricted enough for me have an asthma attack, which is not fun (of course it probably doesn't help that I'm a light smoker, but hey, no one's perfect. I have a certain degree of stress, but I am working on quitting. Actually after these past couple of hellish days, I can confidently state that I will never smoke again.)

The first day I was ill, I had a shit load of chest congestion and I felt a fever coming on, so I went into self preservation mode - I got to the store to pick up my "cold and flu kit" supplies (see my previous blog if you're curious as to what my kit consists of) before I knew things would get too bad. I got home, set up a big pot on the stove of water, and brought it to a boil to get some steam started.

As the day went on, I got worse and worse and at one point considered going to the emergency room, but didn't (it would have been pointless considering the wait I'd have to deal with - plus I knew no doctor could offer a "quick fix" - I just needed to ride it out). I knew from the past my best bet was to do steam inhalation treatments for about 30 mins at a time every 2 hours most of the day - so I did.

When I wasn't at the stove with a towel tented over my head inhaling steam, I was either drinking a ton of water & cranberry juice, with shots of cider vinegar (Sounds odd I'm sure but this flushes out your system of whatever is making you sick.) OR sitting in a tub of hot water with a little Vicks disolved in to help sweat out the germs (and get some more steam into my pipes to losen up the congestion).

Between doing all that and finding the energy to cook up some chicken soup with onion and garlic to eat, I was pretty spent. I couldn't really sleep, because I was having such a hard time breathing so I turned on Coast to Coast AM and the Phil Hendrie show and worked on my computer between doing everything I needed to do to get well.

This flu took me on a journey of chills - then hot sweats - then chills again from my fever, coughing fits and dizziness.

At one point I broke down and cried. Yep. Then I prayed. Mainly because I was so damn tired but I couldn't sleep because I couldn't breathe properly. I very felt alone and scared. I rarely feel really "scared" but these past couple of days I sure as hell did. Thank God for my little dog Panda - she helped me keep it together.

Finally after close to 18 hours of not being able to lay down due to not being able to fucking breath without either sitting in the tub or having my face over a pot of steaming water, the congestion subsided a bit and I was able to sleep sitting up for a few hours.

From Thursday to yesterday afternoon I felt just as bad, but I kept up with the same routine and drank a TON of liquids and ate nothing but soup, garlic and onions. After a nap yesterday (Friday) I woke up and felt a little better. I decided that was the time to de-germify my apartment.

I washed my linens, did my dishes, cleaned my bathroom, took out all my snot rags, and washed my towels. After doing that and doing another steam, sweat out, fluid flush and then feeding round I needed another nap. When I woke up I touched base over the phone with a good friend back in Florida. Then I worked on my computer a bit more and around 3am today I finally felt a million times better. Good enough to do some webcam shows.

The photos posted are from this mornings shows. I'm not 100% yet but at least I'm not dead.

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Well from what I've heard (and of course I've checked weather.com on this) it will be rainy most of the coming week. Yes, for many Californians this totally throws them off but not me! I'm from south east Florida where a category 3 hurricane doesn't stop you from going clubbing so I welcome the rain here in dry ass, but beautiful southern Califronia.

Last night was a fun night of webcamming, as will be tonight and the remainder of my weekend, however my boyfriend got me out of the house today to Venice beach which was a ton of fun. I picked up (rather my bf bought me) one of those cute floppy sweater caps (I'll post a photo), which I plan on wearing well into the spring, and of course if I make it up in to the mountains to see the snow this season. It's amazing how something as simple as the right hat, can add to your life :)

As many of you, my readers, fans and friends know, Monica Foster has pretty much wrapped up her career as a porn talent, but will continue as a webcam girl, online "personality" and hopefully adult content producer/director. The woman who created "Monica Foster" I feel (even though I'm tooting my own horn a bit but justifiably so) has a pretty bright future. However, I can't stop to think as to where other porn talents will wind up considering this industry "slow down" which has almost turned into a "stand still".

I had a conversation about this with someone recently, and I suppose as a porn talent, though you options may be limited in some individuals views, if you're a forward thinker you options are "limitless".

As I've said in the past the most important thing is to do as an entertainer of any sort is to have your web presence going on. The web really is the gateway to the world, and even though the US is in economic crisis, other countries are not, and with the web, you can reach markets in other countries all from the comfort of your own home. I suppose what separates a "limited" mindset from a "limitless" mindset is simply a person's drive and motivation.

www.MightyAfrodite.com is very close to launching. Ms. Afrodite will be bringing up a lot of subject matter that I wanted to touch on as Monica Foster, but couldn't. Why? Well you'll have to check out the site to find out.

One thing in particular I will be touching on will be what it REALLY is to be a woman in the porn industry: the mindsets and motivations behind what propels someone to take the leap, along with the motivations of those behind the scenes who push those who become the true "porn stars".

One of the primarily reasons I love the porn industry, is the psychology which is behind it. The psychology of the performers, those who work behind the scenes AND the viewers.

I've noticed the MAIN problem with porn, and why it's "dying" is due to the "porn powers that be" not allowing the public to really get to know the performers. I'll tell you right now why that is right now: FEAR. Think of the "porn powers that be" as being the most ANGRY and BITTER people at your highschool reunion. Yes - I said it.

Most performers are kept in a "dream state" , whether it be by those around them blowing smoke up their ass or pushing powder up their noses. VERY FEW porn performers do what they do for reasons that they won't regret. I'm bold enough to state that I am one of the few. www.MightyAfrodite.com will explain why.

I'm under the impression that those that feed off the talent in the entertainment industry as a whole have the goal of keeping their talents/clinets from ever realizing how successful they truly are. Most performers have no clue as to how much power they actually possess or how "famous" they really are until they sober up, look around and find they own nothing from their efforts. It's sad.

I thought I knew a lot as an exotic dancer, I thought I knew even more as a webcam girl and then I thought I knew it all as a "pornstar". Since making the choice to stop performing as a porn actress I've learned so much more that I'm surprised my concept of reality hasn't shattered. Funny thing is that I've realized that the vast amount of info I've stumbled upon in reality is just a very narrow glimpse as to the true "big picture".

Anyways, I have enough insight and material to keep me rambling on about the realities of porn, sexuality, relationships, and life for ages. Buckle up bitches because 2010 is gonna be a wild, fun and eye opening ride.

It's been a while since I've blogged, which is a bit unlike me (well at least unlike "2009 me"). I've been taking some time to really settle into 2010, which so far has kicked off to be a very happy, positive and productive year. Here's an update as to what's been happening in my world as of late:

*I had a fantastic New Years eve and New Years day. Then I had a GREAT birthday on the 7th. 31 feels pretty good.

*I've been making a point to get out to exercise at least 3 times a week - mainly hiking. This week I'm going to try a different trail west of LA.

*The past couple of days I've had a few overnight house guests (long time friends of mine), which has been an interesting change of my daily flow.

*Between working online, developing my new projects and the surge of activity that I've experienced since the first,I've been really enjoying life's fast pace.

*I need to change the front photos of my website due to the holidays being over. Hopefully I'll get that accomplished by the end of this week, we'll see.

Life feels pretty mellow right now and surprisingly stable - it's a nice state of being to finally have reached.

I'll be on webcam most of the week, so see you online!

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The Holidays - (namely Christmas) and the "post holidays" (4 to 5 days after Christmas) are always weird when it comes to the level of communication you have (or at least that I have) with my social circle. I understand that a lot of people go home for the holidays to reconnect with their family or loved ones, but why does that mean that they have to virtually drop off the face of the planet in order to do so. I'm going to have to expand my social circle in 2010.

Someone told me recently who just returned to Los Angeles from the holidays, that they're glad to get back to their "real life" here. It made me wonder how their "holiday family life" isn't a part of their "real life". I personally think that type of compartmentalization isn't that healthy - but then again who am I to judge.

I suppose I think as I do, because in the past - years ago - I compartmentalized my life to such a degree, that it left my personality and overall being pretty fragmented. I felt as if the parts of my life that I didn't share with others that I felt close to resulted in me essentially lying to them about who I am as a person. Once I decided to stop living in multiple "worlds" and blended all of my worlds together I felt much more whole, complete and truthful.

Some people didn't like parts of my world that they found out about, and decided not to be a part of my world anymore, but those who stuck around I realized would always be there for me.

Tomorrow I'm finally going to go and see that movie Avatar. I'm VERY excited as I LOVE sci fi movies loaded with special effects. This particular showing will be in 3D. YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a rainy day here in Los Angeles this afternoon, but I'm glad because that means that it's probably snowing in the mountains. I'm determined to get up to the mountains this year to see snow for the first time. I want to build a snowman or maybe a snowavatar.

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Usually this blog is about me, but today it's not.

Mahlia Milian, a promising and beautiful young African-American porn starlet, who I had the pleasure of knowing, has recently left the porn industry due to personal issues - namely a pregnancy, which she's had to go through all by herself.

She could really use your help in the form of donations since giving birth to a beautiful baby girl in November.

Click here to read Mahlia Milian (Nyesha's) story and to make a donation to her and her child via ThePinkCross.org

***Side note: It's amazing to me how so many porn industry professionals who know of and/or who have worked with this young woman (and who have probably made quite a bit of money off of her efforts) - and who love to bitch and moan about how the porn industry needs to be "saved", have not come to her aid.

I really hope that Mahlia's past agents have enough of a soul and conscience to donate to help this young woman and her child. Plenty of industry professionals have enough connections and means to hold a fund raiser in support of Mahlia so that she can start a new life, so I hope that someone steps up to the plate and does the right thing.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays everyone!

This year I'm solo on Christmas, but in the grand scheme of everything, not really. I've had some great holiday phone time with my family and close friends which I'm very grateful for. Plus I have my little dog Panda and my everlasting (15 year old) bird Peaches who are the best holiday and everyday companions anyone could ask for.

As I write this, I'm toasty and warm in my apartment, I have the holiday pop/rock station via Pandora.com blasting and I'm enjoying a morning mimosa. The weather is cold out here in LA, but it's a beautiful crystal clear day.

I think I may go for a little walk later on and I'll be online this afternoon and evening on webcam for all of you out there who want some sexy holiday company.

2010 will be a fantastic year, but 2009 ain't over yet so make the most of it everyone - I sure will be :)

Happy Monday everyone! I'm in a very motivated and upbeat mood today and I hope all of you are as well.

As 2009 comes to a close, so many things in my life are tying up and wrapping up as nicely as the Christmas gifts under the tree of a Hallmark Christmas card.

A few blogs ago, I wrote about feeling frustrated about not going to AVNs this year. At the moment I no longer feel that frustration because it's just not that important. I have so many projects on my plate that I want to kick into high gear that they far overshadow much of anything else.

As "Monica Foster" retracts from "pornstar" back to "webcam girl and internet personality", I've been wondering whether or not to merge "Monica Foster" into some of my new interests.

A part of me has thought that maybe I shouldn't being that some people have certain "ideas and stigmas" about adult entertainers - but then after really evaluating this delima from all angles, I thought to myself "since when does the woman who created Monica Foster really give a damn about what anyone thinks?" - so I'm taking a big leap (of faith) and making the merge.

I invite you all to start following (bookmark these sites) my new blogs:

http://www.GettingOutOfPorn.com

and

http://ModernHikerWoman.blogspot.com

Now you may say to yourself, "How in the hell does getting out of porn have ANYTHING to do with hiking?" Well, you'll have to read and keep up with the blogs to find out now won't you.

The woman who created Monica Foster IS a little crazy (by our society's rigid standards), but creative as hell. She does have many "personalities" which will be manifesting themselves as "characters" in one of my ventures which will be launching very very soon so buckle up.

I do hope that all of my fans and friends out there find this venture entertaining, insightful and inspiring.

Once again, I really want to thank all of you out there, especially my blog readers, for all of your support and feedback in relation to Monica Foster over the years. Without you, the woman who created Monica Foster would have thrown in the towel a long time ago. Your support helped me realize that I'm not a quitter and that I'm much more capable at finding success in life than I ever knew.

I thought I came out to Los Angeles to become a pornstar. Instead I became a life star.

Is it possible to be spiritually healthy and work in the adult entertainment/sex industry simultaneously? Yes, but I feel only if you're only working in it in a way that you're not allowing anyone to control you, in a way that you're not controlling others, in a way that is honest, and in a way that you honestly don't feel you're hurting others or yourself.

Someone once told me:

You belong to no one but yourself and your higher spiritual power. Anyone who tries to possess you is possessed themselves by something evil.

I believe this. Out here in Los Angeles even though it's an "entertainment capital" there's a serious lack of people with real talent and real ideas. Many of the most monetarily successful people out here have neither. What they DO have is a slick tongue and scam to try to convince you (especially if you have talent and/or ideas) that you can't make it without them, so you need to sign the dotted line.

I bought into this bullshit, for a little while, but then I realized that I've always done well solo and did just fine before coming across any of these modern day slavers. So I've decided to stop allowing others to attempt to own me and use me, and I'm back to owning myself. As of current, as long as I only work for myself and make moves to push myself into areas of work that make me feel even better about myself, I believe that God and the powers that be are in agreement with how I'm living my life. When I work I listen to my conscience and I believe that's "key".

A person's relationship with their higher power and a person's religion is a very personal thing that can't be (at least I don't believe can be) uniformly defined. I don't think there's a real set of rules for any faith. How each person relates to their universal maker I think greatly varies and primarily depends on how the person feels about themselves, how HONEST they are with themselves and how they're living their life as a whole.

In our core, we all know certain basic things when it comes to right and wrong on a grand scale and what's right or wrong for us personally.

I think as we age, sometimes our tolerance levels and acceptance levels change when it comes to allowing things, people and situations into our lives that are wrong for us. I don't know why it happens, but sometimes it just does. If I could illustrate this point I'd take a rubber band in my hands and start stretching it. The rubber band would be a metaphor for the BS we allow in our lives.

My rubber band became really stretchy at certain point - it most certainly did quite recently. My band stretched so far that it almost broke. Luckily it didn't. Out here in California especially I've seen many broken rubber band people walking around.

I think I know why my rubber band didn't break. I think my higher power, God (and whatever other positive energies I have around me) stepped in stopped the negative energies who were pulling on my rubber band from pulling it anymore. My band has retracted and I feel a lot better and I'm more driven than before to make some serious strides and changes for the better in my life. I want to say I found the strength to retract all by myself but I know I had some spiritual help. I'm not traditionally religious (obviously...overall I'm not traditional in nearly ANY way), but I know for a fact that I've always had a very close connection to God and the spirit world.

If you go to my blog http://monicafoster.blogspot.com and click on 2007 and find the December 25th entry you'll find the following video:



I decided to post it again because even if you're not a "Christian", it's a good metaphor for what happens to us all in life, but how if you have faith in yourself and want to live your life in a healthy, successful and productive way all you have to do is make a firm decision to try and make that change. Once you do ,things around you that your 5 senses don't perceive will help you out.

I'm going to pray and meditate today for 2 people I know.

The first person, a man who's going home soon for the holidays, to also find their way "home" back to their core being spiritually as well. I think if he returned to his core, he'd find the strength and confidence to do some things that are far more amazing than what he's doing with his life right now.

The second person, a young woman I know who has verbally stated on many occasions that what she's been doing for work has been causing her to have psychological problems to such a high degree that she's seeing a therapist. She just got married and finally has a "support system" but has been asked recently to do some in person sexual favors lately for a very low amount of money. Rather than her getting her shit together and either working on webcam (a non-in person route for those in the adult industry) or finding a regular job she's choosing to take the "easy" but much more damaging path.

This was a bit of a "heavy" blog today, but it's Sunday and this is what flowed from my thoughts this morning.

This is a cool photo of a cross in the Hollywood Hills (it lights up at night) that I pass by sometimes on the 101 freeway. It's a nice sight to see in this city.



***Due to the responses from yesterday's blog I feel the need to reiterate the following:

Keep in mind, I'm not against the porn industry by far. If I was I wouldn't be moving into a position in porn behind the camera. I'm simply done with performing hardcore sexual scenes for other studios because it's not right for me any longer. I will continue to model, act, write, explore and develop many other ventures and of course will still be on webcam nearly daily :)

In other words to those who don't like me because you can't own a piece of me, and who WANT me to go away, I'm not going ANYWHERE. Though I'm retracting, I'm also growing.


My newest blog: http://www.GettingOutOfPorn.com

Today's been a very good Saturday so far. I woke up early and hit the hiking trail for some fresh air and exercise. I walked out of the park feeling energized and inspired. After making some breakfast and walking my dog I decided that it's time for me to start a new blog (I know, I have a billion blogs).

http://gettingoutofporn.blogspot.com

This blog will chronicle my transition away from performing in porn to behind the scenes in porn (and other areas of my life that I want to develop). It will also provide tips to others who may be in a similar place in life or state of mind.

Keep in mind, I'm not against the porn industry by far. If I was I wouldn't be moving into a position in porn behind the camera. I'm simply done with performing hardcore sexual scenes for other studios because it's not right for me any longer. I will continue to model, act, write, explore and develop many other ventures and of course will still be on webcam nearly daily :)

I've been having very unusual, but inspiring dreams lately. Since I was a child I've generally had very active dreams (so vivid in fact, sometimes I wake up feeling like I never went to slept), most likely because I have a very active mind, but I kind of like it, because often my dreams are the root of some of my best ideas.

This was the case the night before last. I had a dream about going on a hike in a really beautiful nature preserve/park. When I woke up I felt compelled to get out into nature. Not just compelled - more like something was calling me and not giving me much of an option to refuse. I'd heard that close to where I live is a state park called Runyon Canyon. I hadn't been there before but I looked it up online, and learned that the park is not even 5 mins from where I live. PERFECT!

It was about 8am, so I threw on some shorts, a shirt, sneakers, a cap and shades - jumped in the car and drove on over. Going on a hike yesterday morning was probably one of the best things I have done for myself in quite some time. It was an absolutely beautiful morning.

I took the intermediate trail - I actually wish I had brought my camera - next time I go I will and I'll take some shots and/or some video to share with you readers out there. For those of you who aren't aware, Runyon Canyon is a very hilly/mountainous park in LA. The scenery the park offers is pretty much what convinced me to move to to California. There are awesome scenic views of downtown LA, the Hollywood Sign, the million dollar homes in the area, the bay, etc.

Hiking trails like this one really help you get out of your head, and away from your ego. Hiking up a mountain and looking at the world from an elevated perspective really does allow you to look at the world and your immediate life a bit differently. Everyone in Los Angeles should be required to do this from time to time. I think it would cut down on the aggressive attitudes, superficiality and the crime.

I wound up picking up a hiking buddy for the morning along the way which was cool and made the walk down the mountain all the more interesting and enjoyable. He was an older tall man with white hair who you could tell got out into nature as much as possible. He turned out to be an airline pilot and a father who said he had a couple kids in their early 20's "around my age" (I did not correct him on that, I needed the ego boost - lol) and he gave me a lot of advice as to how even though people out in Los Angeles can be a bit "off kilter", you just have to forge your own path and keep moving forward and up. Usually I'm not overly social or friendly with strangers, but yesterday was a different kind of day. Plus I think this man just needed to get some stuff off his chest and it was fun to listen. It was nice to be back in the "natural world" and to have a conversation with someone about life - a convo that has nothing to do with money, sex, or anything else manipulative that in the end isn't that important.

Right now I'm actively working on changing my life for the better. I'm building my Monica Foster brand, taking strides towards opening my media studio, entering the field of health and wellness, getting my body healthy and strong and rebuilding my personal self view and self worth. Achieving all of these goals will be difficult but I welcome and really enjoy the challenge.

You know, last week I really was knocked down hard and wasn't sure that I was going to be able to get up. I almost didn't. I fell into a very deep depression. I was lied to, betrayed and hurt by someone that had no reason to do so and that I totally trusted. I suppose I'll never know the person's true motivations behind the lies and deceit. I probably don't need to know.

Last week's events I believe actually were a necessary part of my personal spiritual growth path when I really think about it. The events kicked my ass into full throttle, and shed light onto the reality of my interaction with that particular person. I now know what a truly selfish and self serving personality is, I and will be able to more easily identify such traits in others in the future.

Even though I was down in a dark pit of hurt, anger, loneliness and bewilderment that I wasn't sure I could get out of, I got my ass up and climbed out. I decided to myself that I had to learn from this BS, survive and go on, so I did.

Now I'm a much stronger, wiser and even more driven person. I'm still working my way through some negative residual emotions, but I'm just a few steps away from the light at the end of the tunnel (or maybe the top of the runyon canyon mountain - lol). I seriously dare anyone to even attempt to try to knock me down again, because by the time I'm only halfway done getting my life where I want it to be, which will be soon - I'll be able to knock the living hell out of just about anyone who attempts to cross my path with negative intentions again.

"You're a pornstar, you must be rich."

LOL! That's been said a couple of times recently during my past few live weekly one hour shows in Club Monica lately. I think the perception that people have of my financial status is both funny and flattering. I'm FAR from "rich". I'm not even well off, or OK. I'm broke, but I'm working to turn that around.

It's good to know that I at least appear to be successful. Maybe my appearance is an indicator of where I will be one day. What I don't think many people (out side of Los Angeles that is ) realize, is that real entertainers, whether you're adult or mainstream are masters of the art of illusion. It's all smoke and mirrors baby. Just because I make you believe something, doesn't mean that it's real.

Most women who work in porn are not rich, or even well off. Most live in group homes (model houses) with their "managers", or small apartments, or with a shit load of roommates. Most live paycheck to paycheck. Some have sugardaddies or do a lot of "private" shoots to live a more lavish lifestyle. Part of the reason I created GettingIntoPorn.com was to show people that just because you work in the adult industry, your life may not turn out to be the equivalent of what the E! channel shows you of Jenna Jameson's life.

Come to think of it maybe I am doing ok. I live alone in a 1 bedroom and I don't rely on or have anyone to pay my bills.

Speaking of "sugardaddies" or rich boyfriends - recently in a forum that I enjoy participating (and battling) in, a fellow poster mentioned a recent post of mine relating to how I once wondered how women in Los Angeles do meet these illusive rich and generous men, because I sure as hell haven't (at least not any that I'd consider dating). In fact the men I've met who have CLAIMED to be rich, in reality were much more cheap than the "regular" guys (maybe that's how they became what they want to consider "rich" to begin with - heh). The poster said that now, being that my mindset is DEFINITELY not about living off of some guy, that I might have a case of the "Fox and the Grapes".

Well, maybe I do. Maybe there's no way in the world any man of means would EVER be interested in me. Being that I can't even manage to date a regular guy successfully I'm not surprised. I probably am the LAST type of woman that any man with means would want to date because I'm not a perfect 10, I have a quirky attitude, I don't pander or kiss ass, I'm very head strong and I'm not a "be seen and not heard" type of girl. I'm definitely not of a "slave girl"/submissive mentality, and I'm far from being a girl who "does as she's told".

Furthermore, if a rich man stepped up to me and offered to foot the bill, I'd ask him to funnel his generosity into helping me build my studio and brand, rather than requesting designer clothes or bags. Most rich guys don't want a girl who has sense like that (that is unless they can own a piece of the girl's business, which is something else I'm not willing to do), because they'd know that if I became successful in my own right, and they fucked up the relationship, I'd leave them and be just fine. Rich guys for the most part want women who will be dependent on them forever (slaves).

No, I've never dated a millionaire, but from what I can see from afar, I wouldn't want to unless he was exceptionally different from the normal "rich man" stock. In time I'll make my own money and retain my freedom.

In other news I wanted to go to AVN's this year, but I don't foresee myself being able to afford the trip. Most women I know who are going, are "accompanying" someone. Fuck that. Yes, I'm disappointed, but I'll live. I'm grateful for what I do have as of current, and the fact that I'm strong enough to continue pushing forward even though there are many obstacles that I still need to work my way around, over and through.

I can't wait for 2010 to get here. This year needs to wrap up, at least for me.

I've been taking a lot more self portraits lately with my interval timer, and this morning I decided to attempt a sexy holiday inspired set.

I'm not sure what this holiday season holds for me, probably just a lot of webcam and website work along with a bit of alcohol. Anyways enjoy :)

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Tonight when I stopped by CVS to pick up a bottle of Arbor Mist I had an interesting conversation with one of the checkout girls who I see and speak with on many occasions when I stop in that particular store.

She was on a "new love" high tonight - very sweet. She was really excited because she finally met someone out here in Hollywood who treats her "like a princess". She went on to tell me how all of her friends thought her new man looked just like "Lestat" from "Queen of the Damned". This made me cringe - not because I don't like that particular movie or the concept of vampires. Just because it brought forth a flood of memories...I've had my share of Lestats, Wolverines, etc.

I asked her if the guy was aware of how similar he looked to this particular character, and the more she spoke, the more it became apparent that he put some effort into cultivating this particular look. Then I asked his age, and what I anticipated to hear, she verbalized. The dude was about 15 years older than she was (this girl is in her early 20's).

In that instance I wished I had a flip top head and could scoop out my knowledge and experience of my past dealing with such individuals and serve it to her on a silver platter - but of course I couldn't so I just smiled and said "well I'm glad you're happy and I hope it continues".

And it just might continue...you never know.

There are a lot of vampires and immortal (or at least very slow aging) superhero types like the Xmen out here in Los Angeles. I think they're drawn to this city because of the consistent influx of young women who travel out here (primarily to Hollywood) everyday with the hopes of becoming actresses or models or dancers or artists.

Vampires and other people who have decided not to, or who can't, age need to always be able to start a new relationship every few years with someone who's still in the age range that they're frozen in. It's kind of sad I suppose, because after a few years when the girl/women starts to age - not just physically but emotionally, she realizes that she can't be with someone who's not changing or growing along with her - or anyone else for that matter.

The vampire or other type of immortal of course realizes this too, and usually grows uncomfortable with being seen by others as the "oddity" in the relationship around the time the girl starts to realize that the guy she's with isn't quite "normal", and usually doesn't stop the girl from leaving. Hell, he might even kick her to the curb before she (and/or others) catches on to what she's really been dating.

In Los Angeles vampires and other immortals (probably because they're in such huge numbers) seem like normal everyday people (after all Los Angeles IS the entertainment mecca of the USA and the freakshow atmosphere is the norm) - but if you take one and transplant him or her to say, the midwest for example, they stick out like a sore thumb and do not appear normal at all, neither in appearance or in how they behave. They're just straight up weirdos and typically the towns people in those area will not let them near their young adult children (which again is why vampires and other immortals stick to Los Angeles or other major metro areas when attempting to mate with mortals - these are areas where young adults are typically detached from their families who'd otherwise drive a stake through the hearts of these unnatural beings).

Though I'm not an example of someone who's good at finding and maintaining healthy romantic relationships - if anything I'm one of the the worst examples - I still believe that one of the keys is to find someone you can grow and develop at a parallel pace with.

Even though vampires (and others similar to them) might have lived a long time, it doesn't mean that their emotions have matured. Hell, look at that last movie "Twilight New Moon" - is it just me or is that movie promoting the idea of being a near pedophile as being ok? Yea, Jack's character looks young, but if in reality he's over 80 years old. What's he doing going after a highschool girl? And why is this movie being targeted towards highschool girls? Is someone trying to encourage more Hugh Hefner / Girls Next Door relationships to the masses or what? (I'm only kinda kidding here).

Anyways to conclude this blog, no I don't think vampires (in a literal sense) are real, but I do think that Los Angeles (Hollywood specifically) attracts people who aren't comfortable with developing into well rounded psychologically healthy adults (and who are often out right not willing to) .

I see people everyday living here in Hollywood, men and women, on an impossible quest to remain "young". From how they dress, to how the present themselves, to their activities, to how they mutilate their bodies with plastic surgery, botox, steroids, etc.

I've made a firm decision not become one of these people. Makeup and hair extensions I can do, but anything else - nah. I feel it's OK to age and it's not the end of the world. If your breasts and ass start to droop - oh well - it's a badge of courage and a sign that you've managed to SURVIVE this world for as long as you have. If you get a wrinkle - whatever - you're changing as you should. If your hair falls out, so be it.

If we were all meant to stay the same and not age, we would. We'd also probably not live in as great of a world as we do, because many of the things we know, we'd have never learned and many of the inventions that we take for granted wouldn't have been produced - because I have a feeling that if we didn't age physically we wouldn't age mentally either.

With age, comes life insight and a chance for you to produce and/or teach a new generation. I hope I get to take part in that at some point, so I hope I'm lucky enough to one day meet someone who's OK with not trying to be 20 something forever and someone who's ok with me being an adult 30, almost 31.

I've decided not to deal with these Los Angeles vampires and have the life sucked out of me or be turned into the walking dead (by their surgery or "youth serums). I just want to live my life naturally, and age with someone normally and in a healthy way.

Vampires / immortals are stuck in a cycle of having to start over again from the beginning with a new person for eternity. That's not just sad, it's pointless and not a real way of living. It's just faking life rather than participating in a real one.

2010 is going to be about me cleaning up my life. I think the universe is actually assisting me in doing so quite a bit by brushing away the garbage whether I am ready to let it go or not.

I have no regrets when it comes to my past, but yea, there are some things I'm not overly proud of. It's time to move forward and I've come to realize that if I want to keep dirty disfunctional vampire types from entering my life in the future, I need to create a future that doesn't attract them or allow them in.

I know this blog is a bit weird today, and you might wonder what exactly it's about - well it's simply my thoughts as to what I'm working through at this point in my life and about a relationship that wasn't right for me and wasn't what I thought it was. It's been one hell of a week.

Out here in Los Angeles, and well, I suppose any where in the world (and not just at this time, but any time in history), people (especially women), are often traded in for newer and more "exciting" individuals pretty quickly. It's hurtful because it makes you feel as easily traded and disposable as a car.



Speaking of cars, my favorite car is the DeLorean. Why? Because I'm a lot like a DeLorean. At one time is was the "hot new thing", but now it's an older car. Not quite a "classic", but it's far from being a hot late model Miata or Porche.

DeLoreans are unusual cars and they're pretty rare (you just don't see them everywhere, and are currently out of production unless you want an updated model which began being produced in 2008) but are still very exciting to look at & very easily recognizable. They've been showcased in one of the most well known movie trilogies of all time - "Back to the Future". It's hard to damage the DeLorean's exterior - they have a stainless steel shell, but it makes them challenging to repair and restore.

Yep, a DeLorean is a rare, cool bitch of a car that will always be remembered. It's not for everyone, some people outright HATE them and think they're horrible, but for the people who are into DeLoreans, they're worth plating in 24K gold.



Even though I'm relating myself to a car, keep in mind, I'm not looking to a be a part of anyone's damn "collection". Collections are for objects, not people.

Not much to blog about today, but rather than staying bunked up in my apartment depressed, I got out to a nice dinner with a new girlfriend lil miss Cherry Ferretti - a cool girl who's an adult industry talent who I met through my publicist.

We went to the Cheesecake factory - had a drink and a few appetizers. It was nice to get out and about with someone in a similar station in life who has a brain to go along with her beauty - thanks for being there Cherry!

Now I'm going to get to work on my website and do some shows on my webcam.

It'll take some time for me to "bounce back" from the recent events, but I will. The sun comes up, and the sun goes down regardless and life goes on.

A few friends of mine told me that my last post was a bit too personal and empowered the guy in actuality by my presenting myself as a "crazy porn chick". Well I don't know about being a true "porn chick" (though I suppose officially I am one), but yea, I am a little crazy (mainly very emotional) - many of the most artistic people are - and I think it's my "crazy gene" that's allowed me to take "crazy" and creative risks in life to get me where I want to be and where I want to go against many odds which would have caused others to have thrown in the towel quite some time ago.

I've decided to take my friend's advice however and delete yesterday's blog. The guy isn't worth my mentioning, thinking about or expelling anymore energy or time on. If I'd taken my friend's advice when it was given, and gone with my own intuition, I wouldn't have found myself in the painful and betraying situation to begin with - so...lesson learned. No more loser douchebags.

One thing I've tried to do over the years (and that I feel obligated to do at this point being that I know my readers, fans and friends appreciate it) is allow others to come along on my life journey with me. Through the ups and downs, triumphs and pain.

I don't talk about EVERYTHING in my blogs, but I do talk about a lot because I also want other young women who dare to take the unbeaten path - regardless of what industry it is - to know that the "successful end result" didn't just magically happen. Women like Diana Ross and Halle Berry didn't just wake up "superstars". It takes sacrifice, hard work and disappointment - both in your professional and personal life which out here in Los Angeles is extremely intertwined. Following and attaining your dreams really can almost kill you - physically, psychologically, emotionally and mentally.

Sometimes those you trust and those you think are in your corner in actuality may secretly want to destroy you - and they just might. Sometimes out of fear, other times out of jealousy and sometimes just because they're losers and hate the idea of someone else working towards being a winner. However that's where being strong and having true faith in God, the universe and yourself play in. If you can retain that faith then you will make it - maybe not how you thought you would or even in the capacity of which you initially wanted to "make it", but you'll wind up somewhere positive , bright and beautiful.

Below are a couple cool photos from Angelina Valentine's Website Launch Party