I am a romantic. I'm in love with love and all of the concepts, themes and notions that go along with it. If I were from Greek times, I'd be a devout follower of Goddess Aphrodite.

I state this often in my blog, but the past 2 years have been a journey unlike I (and most likely other women) could have ever imagined or expected.

God and the universe I think really enjoy taunting me - most likely not in mean spiritedness, but just for fun - after all I believe that even divine forces have a since of humor - they'd have to in order to pass the infinite time.

Recently I came across a movie on my Netflix "watch instantly" account that I was most definitely fated at this exact point in my life to watch: "The Story of O".

If I'd have watched this movie before moving to LA, I'd have had a much clearer picture as to how I'm viewed in the enviroment and social circle I've been exposed to, and I'd have had a much better understanding of the majority of the people I've encountered and worked with.

Being that it took me coming across this movie by chance (and my current growing interest in reading about BDSM) to fully understand certain events and situations I've found myself within is a shame. When someone isn't aware of the signs to clue them into the fact that they are amongst people who live a certain lifestyle, then how are they to fully process and understand where and how they "fit in"? So disappointing... It's akin to taking a Cuban to Japan and expecting them to work as a taxi driver without teaching them to read or speak the native language.

It's really silly, and in the end defeating to yourself to invite someone to play a game, but not allow someone to see the game board and not fully explain the rules of the game first. When you do that, you're not really playing the game yourself - you're just remaining stagnant - which is most likely out of fear of losing the game or simply not being a good or skilled enough player.

I'm going to seek out the game elsewhere, but most likely I won't have to as it'll probably find me first. Now I know more about myself than I'd ever have could have imagined I would...scares me in some ways, excites me in others.

Today has already begun to shape up to be a very good day even though it's only about 1:30am PST (I live on vampire time currently).

A cool new website called: http://mypornprofile.com/ featured me, my site and one of my "do it yourself" photo pictorial videos - THANK YOU - I am always flattered when people think my weird eccentricities when it comes to things I do with my website are cool.

Next week (hopefully) I will be introducing some new "friends of Monica". It will not be something that you expect - at all. But it will be very entertaining.

I've come to realize that many are unclear as to "where I really stand" when it comes to certain issues within the adult industry. Well, my thoughts as to where I stand are constantly evolving - but the few things that I'm firm on are that:

No one deserves to be abused - mentally or physically

No one deserves to be ripped off - especially the talent being that it's the talent that keeps the adult industry afloat.

People under the age of 18 should not be exposed to adult material.

If a talent (or anyone) in the adult industry wants "out" - there should be resources funded by the millions of dollars that the adult entertainment industry generates to assist them into merging back into "mainstream" society.

I love the adult industry - not just porn though - webcamming, exotic dancing, erotic literature, etc.

I now know though, that many in the adult industry from the "old wanna-be nuevo riche mere decade old mob" school seriously dislike me for creating GettingIntoPorn.com. I can understand why - especially after receiving several email messages and myspace messages basically telling me that I've "told some secrets". Sorry but in this day and age an industry that generates as much money as the adult industry does, and an industry that is as influential as it is, there shouldn't be any "secrets". Especially when working in such an industry can effect a person's health and future as much as it does once they work within it.

Initially some of the backlash made me nervous, as some of it was rather threatening (hell I'm a single woman on her own living in Los Angeles), but now - it just tells me that I'm on the correct path and that I need to just continue doing my thing the only way I know how - independently and my way.

I do need to ask that the individuals who run FreakyDeak.com not contact me any further with messages saying things along the lines of "On this site gettingintoporn you're giving some valuable information away... Wonder what my boys in Cali gonna think of that?". First off being that you're based out of Chicago and your site features some of the worst of the worst content, so I doubt anyone in California really cares what you think, but even if they did, and you or someone else attempted to bother me, keep in mind I save every email and message that I receive. If anything unusual were to happen to me in my life, it would be very easy for those who care about me to figure out that who may have been the initiator.

So on a side (and happy) note - I'm still working on my XXX DVD review site: www.PornWorthWatching.com - still have more reviews to do before I launch it, but like my other sites, it will be fun and entertaining.

Here's a video interview by Lex Steele with myself and Thomas Ward who I played opposite of in "Not the Cosbys XXX".

The past and current business model of which porn studios have been using for the past few decades is now dead. The industry ITSELF is FAR from being done, however the restructuring has clearly begun and anyone who hasn't switched gears by now who is an adult industry professional is essentially out of a job.

Since entering the adult industry as a porn "talent" in March of 2008 I've had a front row seat in witnessing the beginning of the industry's collapse and now rebuilding. I came into this industry very naive, but now my eyes are open - WIDE open and considering the details I now see which I didn't notice before, especially when it comes to the treatment and blatant exploitation of women, I'm pissed.

I will be posting the first part of a blog (well this one is more of an investigative report) on my GettingIntoPorn.com blog: http://gettingintoporn.blogspot.com tomorrow about a company (which now is no longer in business), that I believe MAY HAVE scammed and/or professionally damaged their headline talent and any additional talent which they may have "signed".

Fortunately in this situation they lost their funding (supposedly) before even getting off the ground, even though their ads were already purchased and printed in various adult industry trade magazines. Essentially this company not only attempted to start a porn company based on a business model which is no longer relevant, but they ALSO have jumped on the "work with us and you'll own your own website" bandwagon - which is turning out to be a falsification that many adult content companies are now utilizing lure in new talent with.

How have I come to the conclusion that this company has been most likely lying to their most recent (and potential) talent? Well, their recruiting tactics are questionable considering the ad I found that they posted on craigslist.com under the mainstream "tv/film/radio" jobs section looking for "reality tv" talent. Um, if they were a PORN company why wouldn't they openly say so and put the posting under the "adult gigs" section of craigslist? Also why didn't they mention in the ad that they were a porn company? That ad gives the appearance they're trying to lure in unsuspecting girls who normally wouldn't consider doing adult work...NOT GOOD.

Furthermore, how in the hell does a person "own their own website" and have a ad active and in print in magazines with the website address, yet then when the company tanks, the website suddenly becomes completely inactive and is REMOVED by the company of which was hosting it. I mean COME ON - if this company's talent OWNS their websites, when the company goes out of business, wouldn't they have notified the talents, and wouldn't the talents have called up GoDaddy.com or a company of the like, signed up for a hosting package and transferred their domains and content to their new hosting company?

Actually this recent event makes me wonder if the TALENT in the ads was charged with the EXPENSIVE advertising fee that a magazine would charge, and if this company is holding their domains and content hostage until they "work off" the debt. I sure hope not because this tactic is pointless being that THOUSANDS of dollars in potential earnings for their (ex?)talent have been lost already due to the sites being inactive.

See here's the problem - a few people in porn know what I know, but not many. However I'll put it out there for the less intelligent (or for you readers who aren't hip to the porn biz): One of the few porn business models that will continue to make money is the business model of the "SOLO, DO IT YOURSELF, OWN YOUR OWN SHIT webcam girl". Sorry porn guys, but unless you are a SMART GIRL who is actually willing to put in the hours and WORK HARD this business model will not work for you.

A COACHED girl is not going to fool any porn connoseur no matter HOW HARD you try to make it LOOK like she's doing it all herself when in reality SHE IS NOT. How do I know this? Well I've been a webcam girl since around 2002 so I basically have a doctorate in "solo girl marketing" and I have the inside scoop from the viewers as to what they like, don't like and notice.

So, being that the porn ship is sinking and certain "professionals" are drowning and grasping at anyone and anything to get that final gulp of air before they go under, I have a feeling that MANY more people will try their one, last final scam. Not much can be done about it, but I've decided that as I come across these scams, I'm going to write about them on the GettingIntoPorn.com blog.

My upcomming site: www.XXXsimplesites.com will be launching soon. It's just a simple and dirt cheap service I've created for adult industry talents who want a website that they truly do OWN. No one deserves to be ripped off, especially in these times - and I'm sick and tired of people who have ENOUGH money continuing to take advantage of and ROB people who have very little, if anything.

I haven't blogged in a while, and truthfully I don't have much to blog about (which is good - I'm hitting a nice & even tone in my life, which is a nice contrast to the steep peaks and valleys I've been dealing with over the past year or so).

I've basically been working hard to keep my bills paid and hopefully in time sock away enough to cover a massage therapy course I'd like to take. One of my goals is to move into the field of health and wellness along with being a bts (behind the scenes) adult industry professional.

This summer has been slow, but I'm surviving and that's all that's important. Readers, please get as many webcam shows with me as you can possibly take :)

Sometimes I feel as though I could be in a such a better financial position if I were willing to compromise certain things about myself, of which I have in the past, but will no longer at present or in the future. When I really contemplate how the money I could be earning, weighs against how I feel about myself however, I can EASILY turn a blind eye to the money. Feeling good about myself, life, situation, and having a high self worth is much more important to me nowadays.

I invite you to read and watch the videos on my latest GettingIntoPorn.com blog entry:

http://gettingintoporn.blogspot.com

The interview in the video really affected me, and I'm very upset with the fact that there are people in the world, specially in AMERICA who really believe it's OK to treat a human being as Tanner has been treated. These particular men who Tanner had the misfortune to "work with" - are nothing but the gateway to sex slavery in America - that's right - they are basically slave traders. Not all men in porn are like the ones Tanner mentions, but quite a few unfortunately are.

What people don't often realize when it comes to porn, is that many of the men who work in porn, are not just in the business of selling a product featuring a sex act, they are also in the business of psychologically manipulating the young women that they work with to further their profits (via pimping the talent, robbing the talent, etc).

If these assholes who worked with Tanner want to play the sex slavery game, then they should go to the 3rd world and stop victimizing women who truly are "barely legal" in this country who are trying their best to survive in the adult industry.

So to end on a "happy" note, I've pretty much narrowed down where in the country to relocate to from here in about 6 months. Keep reading if you want to find out where I'm off to next :)

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Another blog 100% from the woman who created Monica Foster.
The Reasons Behind the Apology

I've received some feedback from my blog readers, site members, and myspace friends inquiring as to why I wrote an apology and my current thoughts in regards to the Not the Cosbys XXX adult movie. Well here's your answer:

Life's a journey - a long journey full of ups and downs - but primarily filled (from the moment we're self aware) by the choices that we make. Usually I try my best to fully think out the majority of the choices I make to the best of my ability - however even though I try my best to fully think things through, sometimes it's not until later that I realize I didn't have enough information, life experience and/or education to have made the right decision.

This was the case in my decision to play the role I did in the above stated adult movie. Again I'll say I enjoyed the experience of playing the role for the most part - I learned a lot - both in front of and behind the camera. There isn't a better studio that I'm aware of that could have produced the movie - they've produced MANY very good and entertaining adult movies. A lot of care went into many of the details of the production.

The learning process didn't end with the completion of production though - I've continued to learn about how such a movie (even though it's simply a parody) can and has affected certain individuals (of which to these individuals, the Cosby show was much more than a just a silly sitcom) very negatively. Being the sensitive and emotional woman I am, I feel badly about it.

I'm not going to state who I was contacted by specifically (though I will say it was individuals of which worked on the Cosby show directly), but these particular people really affected how I view the overall "porn parody" trend & concept. I'm not against XXX parodies (it was a good way for a while to revitalize the porn industry - though now it's time to move along) - only parodies that really can be damaging to a REAL person rather than a FICTITOUS CHARACTER or a movie/series which may be considered distasteful to mock (for lack of a better way to put it) .

The individuals who contacted me didn't attack me, via written form or verbally. One in particular actually took the time to see what I was all about BEFORE contacting me, which in my eyes showed a lot of consideration. These individuals explained in a very well thought out, passionate and sincere form that they were very saddened, hurt and disappointed as artists and professionals that anyone would have mocked and reproduced in an X rated form something that they put years of hard work and effort into.

I can understand their perspective. Hell, if something that I took seriously, was passionate about and worked hard on for years was mocked in a way that offended me I'd be upset as well. I truly do feel like an idiot for not having had the insight beforehand.

No one has or ever will make me apologize for anything I don't want to apologize for. However if I'm wrong, I'll openly say, that I'm wrong, made a poor choice and am sorry. If you go through your entire life without finding that you've been wrong in some of your actions, then most likely something's not quite right in your head. I've been told that I'm being too hard on myself on this one - I don't think I am at all. I'm very glad that I went through this experience as I've grown and learned from it - so that's the end of it.

My relocation from south Florida in the summer of '08 out to California and many of the events that followed were fantastic experiences which added to my path of self development - however many of these experiences have been some of the most difficult experiences that I've ever dealt with. I've dealt with them alone and to be honest, without much of a support system. Some of my experiences were the result of choices that I made without thinking them through enough - I tried however and continue to try.

As I've stated in previous blogs, I'm going through a phase of serious self re-evaluation, re-assessment, growth and change - my goal is to become a strong, successful and emotionally "together" woman in every facet possible - I choose to share some of my journey via this blog and websites with whoever comes across them. Maybe I shouldn't - regardless it's my decision to do so for now.

All I ask of my readers and viewers, is not to overly judge because you can't see through my eyes or walk in my shoes. Only I live my life.

In other news, I received a nice email yesterday, so I thought I'd share it to add some positivity to today's blog:


I've never seen you perform but yet I'm a fan! I found a link to your
insightful and honest "Getting Into Porn" site off of The Pro-Porn Activism
blog. I've always been interested in "the business" both personally and
academically (long story: I attempted to use porn and webcam performers in a
thesis on "identity formation", but the powers that be "suggested" I look
elsewhere), and your blog, along with the "Getting Into" site, make for
great reading!

Thanks Jim, I really needed that positivity and encouragement.

My Porn Name - a blog 100% from the woman who created "Monica Foster"

Many people like to dub porn stars as closet (or not so closet) sex addicts. In reality most people in porn are not sex addicts at all...however I'll admit that I am - physically no - mentally/psychologically YES.

I chose my porn name (which is/was in actuality my exotic dancer name) with the assistance of a strip club DJ (from Cheetah Pompano) back in 2002. I wanted my name to initially be "Katrina". He said I looked more like a "Monica". My alias surname "Foster" is in honor of one of my favorite actresses, Jodi Foster. The movie "Contact" made me a die hard fan of hers even though I admired her tremendously prior to the movie's conception and release (remember "Freaky Friday"?).

There are many other reasons I stuck with the name "Monica Foster" upon entering the porn world - because I'd already built my website, and being that I already had a fan base of course - but also heavily due to "The Artist Formerly Known (and known) as Prince". Remember peeps, I am a geek - a computer nerd - a code writer..."Monica Foster's" initials MF have an undercurrent along with everything else I do.

"Monica Foster" (also known as simply MF) is partially a tribute to the song "Sexy MF" by the artist formerly known as Prince.

In a word or 2
It's you I wanna do.
No, not your body,
Your MIND you fool.

Sexy M.F. - Prince & The New Power Generation

Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker

Were all alone in a villa on the rivera
Thats in france on the south side
In case u cared
Out of all yo friends I wanna be the closest
Thats why I tell u things
So ull be the mostest
When it comes 2 life, 2 be this mans wife
U got 2 be well educated on the subject of fights
I mean prevention of
In other words - its r.e.a.l meaning of this thing called love
Are u up on this?
If so, then u can get up off hug and a kiss

Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker

Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker

We need 2 talk about things
Tell me what cha do, tell me what cha eat
I might cook 4 u
See it really dont matter cuz its all about me and u
Aint no one else around
Im even with the blindfold, gagged and bound
I dont mind
See this aint about sex
Its all about love being in charge of this life
And the next...
Why all the cosmic talk?
I just want u smarter than Ill ever be
When we take that walk

Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker
Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker

Horns stand please...

I like it, I like it

U seem perplexed I havent taken u yet
Cant u see Im harder than a man can get
I got wet dreams comin out of my ears
I get hard if the wind blows your cologne near me
But I can take it, cuz I want the whole nine
This aint about the body, its about the mind

Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker
Come here baby, yeah
U sexy motherfucker

The problem with porn "parodies".

I haven't been blogging as frequently as I used to over the past few weeks because I've been going through a period of serious self reflection and reevaluation - both as "Monica Foster" and as the woman who created the "Monica Foster" camgirl, exotic dancer and pornstar persona.

I felt the need to address the following subject matter on "the problem with porn parodies" in this blog, not as a method of "repenting", but just as a human being with a conscience who's able to decipher what responsible mainstream OR adult entertainment content production is vs. lazy and irresponsible entertainment content production.

I'm not against porn "parodies" - far from it. The whole concept unfortunately IS starting become worn out and old surprisingly quickly unfortunately due to the sub-par parodies being churned out nearly every month (time for a new concept hollywood/porn-valley), however I will say XXX parodies, if well done, I've always found to be very funny.

What I AM against however, is people hurting PEOPLE - and as of late, the parody "movement" in porn is doing just that. The people in charge of producing these movies are NOT making good and responsible choices, nor are they listening to their conscience.

XXX Parodies should be based on FICTITIOUS CHARACTERS and not REAL PEOPLE (and the characters XXX parodies are based on should be much more carefully considered).

I don't think that the Obama porns should have ever been produced. Period. The reasons are obvious, but if to you, the reader they are not - here are some reasons why:



Barak Obama is not a fictitious character - he is a REAL PERSON who has accomplished more in his lifetime than 90% or more of the people currently on this planet ever will. He's our current political leader and should be given much more respect than what the adult video industry is currently giving him (yet the industry whines every chance it gets that times are just SOOOO tough for them - gee I wonder why - ever hear of "karma"?).

Obama and those he works with have taken a tremendous amount of care to ensure that he's viewed by our society and other countries as a strong, solid, respectful, fair and positive individual. He is trying to HELP our country which is one of the few countries in the world that ALLOWS for industries such as the adult video business and PROTECTS THE FREEDOMS of such industries. The individuals in porn who couldn't think of any other way to make money in our current economic crisis than to slap the leader of our country in the face are simply pathetic.



The production of the "Nailin Palin" series was one of the most vicious assaults on a female political leader in recent history being that it probably
seriously affected the image of Sarah Palin in the eyes of many (primarily male) Americans, whether anyone wants to admit it or not.

Ms. Pailin, like Mr. Obama, is a political leader and a REAL PERSON, who has worked VERY hard in life and has accomplished quite a bit as a political leader, a woman AND a mother. Considering how many other topics and characters that a porn company with plenty of monetary resources could do a "parody" of, WHY make one of this woman who ALREADY was pulled through the ringer via mainstream media? It is so WRONG on SO many levels. Movies like this DO effect the individual they are patterned after, whether anyone wants to really believe that they do or not - it's just not cool, responsible or respectful. The creators and participants of "Nailin Palin" are neither young or naive - they knew better, but they were greedy. That is sad.

I'm certainly not a hypocrite (and strive quite hard not to be) so I want to personally apologize to Felicia Rashad, Bill Cosby, the creators/producers of the Cosby show and to all of those who feel offended by the "Not the Cosby Show XXX" movie.

Before I accepted the role of "Claire" I did think twice, but I probably should have thought one more time. Fortunately the studio that created "Not the Cosbys XXX" probably did a better job of producing such a parody than any other adult video studio currently in existence, however this doesn't mean the movie should have been made. I enjoyed myself more than 50% of the time and learned a lot through out the flick's production process, but since deciding to take a break from performing, I've come to realize that some things you think are important in life, are really not that important after all.

I felt taking the "Claire" role would be good for my "porn career" (which in reality would never be anyways and never was to begin with considering that I don't and won't play the "behind the scenes" porn game). When I think of all the REAL work, time and effort that went into the fine tuning of the "Claire" role by Felicia Rashad, and how the character was pretty much butchered and trivialized in the XXX flick and how my lack of acting skill even FURTHER dumped on the "Claire" character of which was and IS an African-American icon, I just want to throw up.

Again, to those who feel I have desecrated an African-American institution, ideal and cultural icon, I am truly sorry.

At the time when I took the role I really thought I needed the $1900, and I thought that it would help me in the long term, rather than hurt how I feel about myself and past choices overall today. "The Cosby Show" and it's primary characters are not just "characters" - they were & are icons - symbols. The Cosby show isn't just a sitcom, it gave real hope to a huge sect of the American population - it didn't need to be trivialized by "Claire" boning an English dude in her college days.

Lastly before I end this blog, though the scene was VERY loosely scripted, I am very sorry to Michelle Obama for even loosely portraying her in Foot Fetish Confidential #56. LUCKILY my wardrobe and hair was hardly close to Ms. Obama, however simply implying that I was her in scene was beyond wrong on both MY and the director's parts.

Considering how upstanding and accomplished of a woman, leader and mother that she is I'm a complete asshole and idiot for agreeing to even loosely portray her in a porn scene. I had no right. When I did it, at the time I wasn't in a good frame of mind, and I thought I needed the $1000 or so dollars (ironically I was offered a Michelle Obama feature part shortly after moving to Los Angeles - I'm glad I was in a right enough state of mind to decline that role at least).

Funny how what seemed like substantial money at the time, now seems like nothing and IS nothing in comparison to amount of possible damage I've caused to people's hard legitimate work and image. I always felt that I was someone who couldn't be "bought off", but apparently for the grand total of $1900 I could be (and no, I, like most other actors and actresses in porn DO NOT receive residuals - regardless of how much money the studios make off the flicks. My income has been and continues to be primarily from my webcam shows until I can make the transition into another line of work). Any porn and/or non-porn roles I take in the near and distant future will be original fictitious characters.

I don't regret the path I've taken in regards to performing in adult video, it's the path I suppose I was meant to walk down, however I HAVE learned some lessons - the hard way. If my site www.gettingintoporn.com had been created by someone else in porn, before I'd decided to start, and if I'd read it and/or maybe if I'd read a blog like this, I DEFINITELY would have realized that just like in mainstream entertainment - in adult entertainment, you should really consider the ramifications of any role you play.

Some may say I don't have a "sense of humor" for writing and sharing the above, but I don't care - because I don't find things that are truly important in life to be funny - especially when it comes to the treatment of and portrayal of individuals.

Unfortunately from my perspective for as long as "Not the Cosbys XXX" and "Barefoot Confidential #56" are in circulation "Monica Foster" will be a symbol of a black woman selling out in pursuit of building a "career in porn". It's depressing, embarrassing, I'm disappointed in myself for having not understood why I shouldn't have taken the roles and I feel as though now I'm on the receiving end of a public stoning considering the emails I've received in response to both videos.

Well that's all I have to say for today - See you all on webcam this weekend - I'll be working.

Oh, and to the porn directors/studios/producers - it's time for you to try shooting your imaginations up with steroids rather than your penises for once (or hire someone who was born with some creativity since most of you were not) and write some 100% original content again before even the whole XXX "feature" movie concept dies along with everything else.

I love watching America's Next Top Model - yes, obviously because of all the fabulous fashion, photography, beautiful people and drama, and but also because the show is all about self improvement and being able to receive, accept and grow from criticism.

Arg, oh how I hate criticism... Actually the most difficult thing for me to have dealt with in "porn world" has been the element of criticism (both from directors during past shoots and from critics via their reviews of my work). In the past, my inability to take criticism has been one of my downfalls and has probably hindered some of my progression in life. I'm glad to have realized this though, because it's helped me make a dramatic change as of current - for the better.

I've had quite a few requests lately for some new self made MiZtress Monica domme videos SO I've decided to open a clips4sale.com store especially for such videos - that will be coming soon.

Speaking for domination, I've begun reading up on BDSM / SM in detail - especially on the element of true "submission" - I feel it's important to know both sides of BDSM (domination AND submission) to properly play the role of either side of the coin.

Tonight (this morning) was a good night - and a great start to the weekend - here's a video for my theme song till Monday morning:



Tonight someone special to me performed in the reunion of a group called "Say Uncle". It was a really great concert - even though the music would be classified as "metal", I'd have to dub their music as "Classic 80's Rock, but with a very melodic twist". The show was VERY high energy and I enjoyed the performance thoroughly.



The event was at a place in the Valley called "Paladinos" - very "neighborhoody" pool hall/concert venue/dance hall. I'm definitely far from snobbish, but I do have to say there were some VERY strange and shady looking people (that you could tell were from the neighborhood) there. I had to relocate the area I'd "staked out" for myself twice.

Regardless of the weirdos, I saw a few familiar faces, being that "Say Uncle" has couple adult industry commonalities. The beautiful "Porn Cougar" Magdaline and sexy blonde "Courney Cummz" were both present.

When I was leaving some guy yelled "Monica" out of his car, but I pretended not to hear...Monica was not out tonight - I was.

The bartenders at Paladinos are great - I had about 3 Malibu & Cokes through the night and I left with a great buzz. I hope that "Say Uncle" will decide to re-unite a bit more often.

It looks like Mighty Afrodite will be taking over Monica Foster Live on Tuesday since I, Monica Foster will be busy , so I hope that my fans and friends will take some time out of their work week to view her - I am working hard to get www.mightyafrodite.com launched.

As of current I have about 15 adult dvd releases reviewed for my upcomming site: www.pornworthwatching.com - I'm excited about getting that site launched because as an industry "insider" and performer, I feel I have a unique perspective as to the quality (or lack of quality) the newer adult video releases embody.

I took a little time to myself Friday and Saturday (hence why I wasn't on webcam) but I'm online all today/tonight if you want to stop into my video chat rooms.

Lately I've been watching the series "Weeds" on my netflix account - what an awesome show - I highly recommend it - I love being able to watch an entire series at once rather than having to wait for a new installment week by week - I suppose I'm simply an "instant gratification girl" - lol. Here's a few more recommendations to enhance your life this week:


Anoushka Shankar & Karsh - "Breathing Under Water" - a beautful (primarily sitar music) album


The Cool Catz - "Catnip" - this cd is fucking GREAT - I've been listening to it in the mornings all week to get myself amped up to work - it's a slick medium between 95 South and Snoop Dog. I know one of the rappers on this album - good guy - so I urge all my readers to support this group and other independent artists as well.

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I am far from "famous" - however being that I have a good amount of adult movies out and a popular website, I'm starting to realize that I'm more visible and known than your average girl. In some ways it's cool - in other ways it's not, primarily because I'm beginning to experience a wave of "blasts from the past".

What's a "blast from the past"? Pretty much someone that you used to date or who you ran with in your crew, but who for whatever reason (usually due to the person being a jerk) you no longer communicate with any longer.

As of late I've had about 4 guys that I used to date or know (years ago) try to contact me over the past week. Get fucking real. It's not as if I just suddenly "popped in their head". These guys obviously either saw me in a porn, or on a website or in a magazine. One went as far as to say that he keeps up with my blog and is "concerned for me" (be concerned for yourself loser).

Anyone who's been a real, sincere, nice and good person that I've come across in life is still someone who's in my life - I have a pretty good amount of friends. However when people cross the line with me, I cut them out of my life - in the past it was harder for me to do that but as I age, it's getting easier.

I'm sorry "blasts from the past", but if it didn't work out then, there is no round 2 after years have gone by. I'm sorry that the girl you left me for is now overweight and not keeping herself up. I'm sorry that you've begun to lose your hair. I'm sorry that your career didn't take off as you thought it would. I'm sorry you still live at home. I'm sorry that the girl you thought you were too good for is now someone who men all over the world lust after. I'm very sorry that your friends who knew me who now know what I'm up to laugh at you for not realizing what you had when you had it.

However, I'm not sorry that I'm now an adult movie star, have aged very well, had the courage to leave everything I knew in Florida to move to California to take a chance at fulfilling some dreams, and I'm not sorry I have built a career for myself which is growing more and more day by day. Lastly I'm definitely not sorry that now that I've had "porn sex" with some of the most sexually skilled men and women in the world, I've learned a LOT.

"Blasts from the past" - please move on...you missed out. Too bad, so sad.

In other news, Not the Cosbys XXX has just been released on AEBN and I've received some very positive and complimentary emails in regards to my performance - so thank you very much Monica Foster fans and friends out there.

Well I'll be on webcam all weekend starting this morning (Friday) but will be taking a break to have brunch with a friend on Sunday. See you all online!

Nothing too exciting to report on my world today, though it was a nice and HOT day here in sunny California. The next few days are supposed to be cooler during the day actually, so I'm looking forward to that.

A good friend of mine, Desi Foxx who's in a life transition as
in regards to her career just found out that a photo pictorial of hers is showcased in Swank magazine this month, and she's very excited about that. Congrats Desi!

Here's something a bit random: I recently realized that in the past I've been deeply opposed to wearing dresses. Yep. Why? Well because I've never really considered myself
much of a "girly girl" - I've almost always been a jeans or shorts type of girl. However as of late I've been growing, and have begun to get in touch with a femininity in my core which has been lying dormant, so this will probably be my decade of dresses and pretty flowy tops. I particularly love dresses with a bubble hem line or a maxi (long) length dress. Anything with butterfly sleeves is cool too :)

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So far it's been a good weekend. Overall it's been relatively uneventful, but I've been able to catch up via phone with my family and friends who I don't get a chance to speak with enough, and have gotten a lot of work done on my personal projects. Of course I've been on webcam quite a bit too.

Tonight I went to a friend's impromptu birthday bash and met a few new people in the area which was nice. One of my best friends here in California and boyfriend are world class musicians in my view and every time they show up at a party, it's bound to be a night of music and merriment as it was tonight.
I'm going to ACTIVELY practice my guitar so that one of these days I'll be capable of joining in with my musical friends.

I'm looking to get into my massage therapy classes by the end of this year, that's a field I can definitely see myself in long term. Mainly because the "health and wellness" fields are really booming and it's an occupation in which you're helping and giving to others which is a positive thing.

I love the whole "green" and "health and wellness" trend - it's actually more than just a trend - it's our society getting back to our core and what's natural and earthy.

I suppose I don't have much to blog about this morning as I want to get back to webcamming and some other things, so have a great Sunday!

I've been enjoying this song lately - not so into the video - man do I love the sound of a sitar - it really adds an otherworldly sound to western grooves.

It's interesting as a webcam girl (and overall computer nerd girl) to witness the evolution of sex webcamming. I remember back when I first began the systems were totally crude and VERY few and far between. It was primarily services and networks like ifriends.com and talksugar.com with a few websites sprinkled into the mix, which had girls listing their yahoo messenger or netmeeting screen names. The webcams were all super choppy and you never saw or even heard the guys, they just chatted with you via text.

Then in time, the "phone with cam" trend took off, and as DSL/cable internet service became more assessable and less expensive the "cam with audio" trend took over.

Now days, sex webcamming is probably just as (if not more) entertaining for me, as it is my viewers. I get to see the guy during most of my webcam shows, and I'll tell you, being a single woman now, it really eases the loneliness - it's like having a new fling with a different guy (or guys) every hour I'm online, and some of the guys are HOOOOOOTTTTTTTT :)

Being that I know so much about webcamming, I'm thinking about putting together a site about it - I don't have time to at the moment, but eventually I'll get to it.

Speaking of loneliness, I'm back to being horny as hell. I'm wondering when I'll find myself in the situation of having sex again - of course I can have sex with myself, and I do, multiple times a day - however it's always more fun with a partner - the question is - when will I meet a new partner? It's gotta be someone hot, who I really like, and who's into me as well...guess only time will tell on that one. On top of that there are some new sexual activities I want to explore, so finding someone open enough to explore them with may be an "issue"...

It's a shame, because being 30 years old, I'm at my sexual peak, and being that I am my ideals and notions of sex, and what's right and wrong for me from a personal and moral standpoint are substantially morphing. Funny how that works - I'm actually reaching a level of becoming much more adventurous and open again.

Side note: Looks like once again the people at XXXporntalk.com are reading my blog, and this time they're taking it a bit too far by inferring that I should kill myself by sitting in a tub with a toaster oven? Sorry but suicide isn't for me, I love myself too much and loneliness could never prompt me to want to end my life. The only way I'll be expiring will be via old age.

The poster inferring I should kill myself obviously is a complete sicko & psycho being that they're fixated on pornstars and ex-pornstars dying (look at this other forum thread they created called "a small list of deaths"), which is actually very scary to think about. It's common knowledge that entertainers in the past (adult or mainstream) that didn't "play the game" are often eliminated by the people who couldn't control them. I want my readers to know that if my blog or websites suddenly cease being updated and/or disappear, then I SOMETHING is probably VERY wrong.

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I took today as a day of rest - I stayed in bed and watched movies - it was nice. God knows I needed to work, as $ is becoming harder and harder for me to come by, but I think not losing my sanity is more important right now. Considering the past year - it's amazing I'm still functioning.

My heart is broken and after what happened last week (which I'll go into detail about one day - though not today), a friendship with my ex isn't even close to being a possibility due to his complete lack of respect and consideration for my feelings, body and being.

I've decided that since I've chosen not to perform in porn any time soon due to the current HIV issue in the business (I'll still be solo on my webcam though), and being that everywhere I look reminds me of my ex and the time we spent together over the past year - I'm leaving LA at the end of August. There's nothing here for me.

I suppose this move to LA didn't work out and was a waste - I'll admit it, I failed at yet another thing in life. Maybe one day something will work out even though it's obviously not today.

In my last blog, I stated that I always try my best. This morning I realized that I've been wasting my time by trying, because typically when you say you're "trying" you're not certain whether you can do something or not - you're basically lacking faith and belief in yourself. Either that or you're attempting to alter something that is completely out of your scope of control.



I'm am guilty of attempting to alter many things that are out of my scope of control - primarily though - relationships. In my past relationship, I thought that if I "tried" hard enough it would work. I was wrong. On my end, I did what I needed to do. I allowed myself to bend and I compromised. I was willing to wait. However in the very end, I realized that all I could do in reality was meet my ex in the middle - he wasn't willing to make the journey to meet me. He didn't want to.

Initially I took this personally, but now I realize that for him, the journey wasn't worth his doing anything - in his life overall there isn't much, from my perspective, that is worth much doing which is reflected in many facets of his life. Some people simply don't want to do anything. Some people are afraid to grow.

All in all, Yoda is right. You either do, or you do not - there is no "try". It's hard to realize this because you really do have to "un-learn" much of what mainstream media teaches.

My advice to the readers of my blog for today? If you want to do something, if you believe you can - if you have faith that you will - you can - so do it. Otherwise don't "try".

Only surround yourself with people who are "doers". Don't surround yourself with people who don't do anything and especially don't hang around people who won't and who are fearful. They are the true losers and usually they are users and takers as well. Remember, that it's the person with the most physical weapons and armor, that is the most fearful.

Recently someone asked me if since launching gettingintoporn.com whether or not I'd received negative feedback in the form of threats and if I was worried. My answer? Of course I've received "threats" - I've fucked with people's money and for the weak, that's the worst. Am I worried? Not one bit because there's nothing I'm afraid of anymore.

In fact, recently it was brought to my attention via an associate that because I LINKED to the 1 person who has publicly come out as to having had contact with "Patient 0 / X" in the recent HIV issue affecting the porn industry that I should be "careful". If anything, this individual should re-think their life and purpose as I stated in my GettingIntoPorn Blog (of which I inquired, why be a victim, when you can be an EXAMPLE AND LEADER). This "associate" of mine who I've worked with NEEDS TO COME FORWARD with the information she has related to me to the people I referred her to in regards to this situation, because she has the POWER to SAVE LIVES.

I realized a long time ago that it's knowledge, information and (most of all) the sharing of information that is the strongest force and power in the world, probably in the universe. As soon as you release information it spreads, like wildfire, so even if someone "came after" me, it's too late now to stop what has started.

This blog is short tonight because I have a lot to DO. As of late I really feel as if I've taken some sort of "spiritual steroids" because my level of clarity when it comes to understanding myself, others and the world has dramatically sharpened.

Have a positive, happy and productive week everyone :)

It's Saturday afternoon (for some odd reason, I was thinking all day today that it was Sunday) and I'm doing webcam shows which is always fun. However I'm very annoyed because I'm having to deal with a horrible loud drilling noise which seems as though it will never end (apparently some workers are repairing the garage door gate where I live).

Something I've been working on as of recent is not setting overly high expectations of situations and people, because I'm finding myself consistently disappointed which I know is not good for my energy level and sphere of happiness. This is very hard for me because I'm both very idealistic and I'm someone who (especially as of the last 2 years) always tries their best and gives their all. I have to realize that many people don't think as I do nor do they have the same motivations as I do. I've been guilty of embodying qualities such as laziness and selfishness in the past, but I actively try to fight against those qualities settling into my being.

This week I'll be launching a video blog (maybe a live webcast) for www.GettingIntoPorn.com - that should be fairly easy to do and I think will be another great supplement for the site.

It was recently suggested to me that I begin writing a book about my experiences in the adult entertainment world as a whole (not just the porn part, but the exotic dancing and webcam girl parts as well). I think I will do so, I already have a good title for the piece.

This evening (added this part of today's blog around 9pm) I had a chance to catch up with a good friend of mine from Australia who's visiting the States for a few weeks, who has a very cool online (and offline) show in which he interviews everyone from entrepreneurs, to celebrities, to sports figures. He'll be shooting a piece on me this Tuesday. He too suggested I hit up some publishers in regards to my projects, and personal journals, so I definitely will look into that this week. Even if nothing comes of it, I can always self publish.

No your eyes are not deceiving you, I have hair extensions again :)

I will be on webcam most of the day today and pretty much all weekend because:

1) I have a very limited social life
2) I need to get my bills paid.

If I were willing to do more than I am, and wasn't afraid of jail, I wouldn't have to worry about reason #2 at all. Sometimes I feel like an dumb ass for being such a goody-goody. I'm not against escorting, I actually think that the escorting system COULD BE be much more "civilized" than the porn industry, however since it's illegal (everywhere in the US but Nevada), I have to say no to it.

Instead I will be making my camshows a bit more entertaining. Yesterday I introduced a new "side of me" named "Mighty Afrodite" - she will be making appearances a few times each week to mix it up a bit. Other characters may be coming soon. :)

If you're one of my readers, be sure to buy a nice long relaxed camshow from me soon so that I can eat, sleep, and continue to work. Thanks :)

Introducing......MIGHTY AFRODITE - website www.MightyAfrodite.com comming soon!

I'm going to work this look on webcam for a while - more characters to come...

I had an excellent weekend. This weekend was one of the first times in a LONG time that I did something very healthy and positive for myself. I was very fortunate to have God and the universe bring a new friend into my life who welcomed me into a very soul searching and mind expanding experience on Saturday. This one experience was pretty much the equivalent of around 6 months of therapy sessions. I walked away from the experience realizing that:

I'm too hard on myself and needlessly so.

I'm further along in my life's progression than I give myself credit for.

I need to work on accepting myself for who I am a bit more and let go of some guilt I've been harboring which is all based in the "ego".

I definitely have reached a "crossroads" in life, and my decision to work for the positive, light, and betterment of humanity is definitely the right choice - though it's the more difficult one.

It's OK to speak my mind and that there's power in doing so.

My recent decisions to block certain individuals and activities from my life is the correct one.

It's ok to be "silly".

It's necessary that my body get in a lot more physical activity to expel some deep seeded anger & negativity I embody - which is primarily based in my disappointment in much of humanity (mainly people not treating other as they'd want to be treated).

I let a TON of negativity go on Saturday (it's amazing how when you let go of things emotionally you actually feel a lot better physically)and I made some wonderful new friends and acquaintances of whom I hope to hang with again soon.

I suppose Saturday's theme was: To know thy self is to love thy self. Thank you Sunny.

Sunday I hung at the mall with a couple of girlfriends and had lunch which was nice. Many of my girlfriends are from the "non-adult industry" world and I often forget that many women really are not very knowledgeable when it comes to what's "sexy". For whatever reason my friends think I'm an "expert in sexiness" which was actually very flattering so I had a chance to share some "tips and tricks" with them.

I'm glad that a lot of people read my blog, however I'm not very happy with the fact that many men who read my blog, feel that it's a "guide" as to "how to get into Monica's pants". In fact it outright pisses me off.

I received an unsolicited email recently from a douche bag who initially propositioned me sexually and offered to "pay for my services". I AM NOT AN ESCORT so DO NOT ASK! I replied to this dip shit that he was totally out of line and not to contact me any further. THEN this idiot not only sends me his real name and photo (which I will post if he contacts me again), but he also had the nerve to try to get me to meet him for drinks for a "regular date" and on top of it has a big enough unjustifiable ego to suggest that I'd probably really like him. WRONG! Here's why:

1) This person is very unattractive inside and out.
2) This person engages in illegal activity.
3) This person is obviously obsessed with "Monica" and I don't date anyone into "Monica".

This piece of dung claims to "read my blog", but I'll tell you this - ANYONE who really reads my blog, would know for sure, that crap like him doesn't cut it in my world (oh and he sent his resume - he works in the mainstream entertainment industry - ironic.).

I think it's really disgusting how people try to target others who are obviously trying to better their lives - people who do this shit I hope live a very very very long time because I'd not want to be them when it comes time to meet their maker.

I decided to write about this individual because I want readers of this blog to see that once you decide to take a different path in life once you've worked (or continue to work in my case - via webcam) in the adult industry, many people - especially men assume that you will do ANYTHING - legal, illegal or outside of your established comfort zone for money. I want primarily women to know that if you do decide to do porn - it dramatically effects how a large sect of society views you.

Ok, enough of that, I don't have a yoga class to release my anger till later in the week so I can't afford to build up too much up just yet.

Well it's Monday morning and it's back to the webcam grind. I will have a couple house guests this evening so after I do a few more morning shows, I'm going to take a nap, then do some laundry and then welcome my friends into town. It should be a nice evening.

Usually I am doing cam shows most of the weekend, however this weekend I will not be as I will be embarking on the first phase of a sort of "spiritual cleansing" and "shift".

Nothing drastic... it's just time to close the door on a lot of the negativity I've just come through (especially from January of this year to June), and open the door WIDE to the positivity that has been waiting for me. Lets just say I'm cleaning house of everything & everyone who knows damn well they belong in the dumpster.

"Hippie talk" you say? Of course it is...I'll be in this phase till I'm about 60. I just entered my Saturnian period in January and now I'm on the other side of it, and if you're into astrology, you know what that means.

I'm very very very pleased with the responses I've been receiveing in regards to www.gettingintoporn.com - I want to say a big THANK YOU to all the women who have sent me powerful and emotional emails of encouragement and thanks.

I feel project enabled (and continues to enable) me to:
1) take a solid stance on some issues
2) act as an outlet for me to give back to other women who are where I was via the sharing of my experiences and knowledge
3) effectively assist in making changes in the porn industry that need to be made

I have a feeling the condom mandatory law will happen, with loopholes most likely (but hey, at least condom use will become a bit more common)- check this article.)

I think gettingintoporn.com will be a constant "work in progress". As I move behind the camera in the adult industry along with moving into other careers in my life completely seperate from the adult industry I'm sure I'll be learning much more and expanding my perspective - so much the info on the site will consistently "evolve".

As of current, I have many more ideas for the site including a weekly video webchat or video blog (this is actually necessary currently to address all the email and questions I've received as it's too much to respond too case by case) so look out for that next week.

Now here are a few things I need to add...In the next few paragraphs I am addressing those who REALLY need to get their day to day earthy lives and spiritual selves in a much more positive and right place, before their time is up (and trust me, the clock never stops ticking for anyone):

Many of the emails I've been receiving through gettingintoporn.com have been from people who I know damn well are wannabe pimps and/or industry slackers who really need to give up on the porn industry at this point and move into a different profession. If you are asking ME for advice as to how to market, promote or sell something, and you have been in the porn industry longer than I have, then you are SIMPLY NOT SMART ENOUGH TO SURVIVE IN THIS INDUSTRY ANYMORE. The restructuring has begun in porn and it's sink or swim, if you aren't swimming now you never will.

Gettingintoporn.com is a guide for WOMEN of the NEW porn industry. I am NOT here to assist any men (or women) make money off of their "girlfriend", friend or hoe. If you can't do it on your own now, then you NEVER WILL (and I don't support that "professional" mentality to begin with).

Furthermore if some of these negative emails continue I will have NO PROBLEM posting your name, email address and the messages in their entirety.

One thing I don't have much of (actually, maybe not any at this point), is fear - and being that I am one of the people in this world without much to lose, I am fairly dangerous to those who DO have (or who think they have) a lot to lose. Keep in mind that www.gettingintoporn.com could go in MANY directions so to those who monitor my blog and websites and who think they are contacting me "anonymously" or under a "guise" - be careful. I might just be a "Porn Whore" yes, but I'm a PW who enjoys thinking and is very talented at piecing things together, so tread lightly.

Ok, enough of addressing that battle for now.

Have a great weekend everyone, I'll be on webcam here and there, and I'll have much to report on Monday.

Here's a fun video to check out "Sexy & Dangerous" (skip the video to about 4:20):

My Netflix.com account, which I love, has access to a ton of VOD tv series - one show that I particularly like is called "Head Case" which stars Alexandra Wentworth who plays a therapist named Dr. Elizabeth Good. For some reason I can totally relate to the sane psychoticness of this "character", and watching that series has really helped me get through the past few weeks.

I recently made a new friend who I'll be hitting Venice Beach with tomorrow. It's amazing I've lived here for about a year but still haven't been down to that area so I'm excited and looking forward to it.

Come to think of it I've made a few new friends lately. I feel a lot more open to positivity in all areas of my life now - friendships, new romantic relationships, my career, my health, and in my spiritual base. Well that's all for today - see you guys on webcam later.

Today was a nice, easy day. Just cam shows, a light work out, and caught up on the phone with some out of state friends.

Apparently the angry nerd herd at xxxporntalk.com decided to pick up my blog from a few days ago where I mentioned that I'm over personal-life sex for now and am going to wait until I'm at least engaged to a guy with a wedding day set before I have sex (I should really say make love, being that it'd be with someone that I'd care for) again.

I'm not doing this for religious reasons - just personal reasons that I think are the right thing for my life right now. I'll admit it though - this choice is DIFFICULT! I'll just have to do more intense workouts and lots of meditation to compensate.

My last relationship which lasted about year was great physically, but nearly destroyed me emotionally and psychologically. I'll never be able to figure out how a person can date someone for a year but only "like" them...fuck. Truthfully, I've come to the conclusion that the guy never really "liked" me at all. Makes me feel crappy, but coming to that realization has aided in helping me move forward.

Of course the dis informants and illiterate at xxxporntalk.com altered my post from "engaged" to "married" and then went on about how "everyone else gets to bang you but your potential fiance,that sounds really well thought out". Um, - who exactly is this everyone else?

I haven't been cast in any adult roles since around January of this year, and being that I don't do "privates", I'm trying to figure out where exactly is all this "non-personal life" sex going to come from that my future fiance` would have to worry about?

In other news, I've come to realize I need to update my wardrobe a bit, so over the next few weeks I'll be doing so, and I'm looking forward to it :)

OK, my last blog was a bit heavy and emotionally driven...well then again over half of my blogs are which probably reflects a lot as to who I am as a person - passionate, out of my head while being simultaneously too IN my head, but at times a bit logical though very sensitive.

As I stated in my last posting - I am VERY fortunate to have a good network of friends who are really there for me. They keep me sane and with at least 1 foot on the ground.

A friend of mine tonight suggested I come up with some positive affirmations, so I made a few very good ones tonight which I will stick to.

Right now, I feel like I'm in a solid transitional phase for the better - I suppose we're all in transition at all times, as that's what being human is all about, but I think that when you make a transition to where you consciously want to be the best person you can be for yourself at that time - it's a bit more powerful.

I'm hoping to head out on another camping trip toward either the end of this month or the beginning of next. That would be a great thing. I'm also considering a roommate come September - that would be a nice addition to my world as well.

I'm very fortunate to have developed a small but nice network of genuine friends. Some live in LA and some in other areas of the country, but regardless, near or far my friends are very involved in my life and current happenings (which is great). The longer I live here in LA, the more I'm realizing that "genuine" people in this city are VERY few and far between, which is actually the only disappointing thing about this city. Maybe one day the attitude here will change.

I was on webcam most of the weekend, but Sunday night I had a chance to hang out at the pool and play some music with a good girlfriend of mine. She's an excellent musician (guitarist) and though I mainly just play on the drum while she plays guitar it's one of the most enjoyable activities. If I have enough drinks in me, I even sing along.

Since I've been "Lil Miss Single Girl" again, I've had a good amount of people start to come out of the woodwork and to ask me out. I'm glad because since ending my past relationship I wasn't sure how to even go about meeting someone new. I've found that I'm a better person and feel happier when I'm a part of a couple. Also I want to have a family of my own at some point in the near future, so not being open to a relationship definitely isn't helpful in that department.

The problem that I'm encountering at present though, is that I never know if the person I'm dating is really into Monica Foster or the woman who created Monica Foster. Basically what I'm saying is that a TON of men want to be with a pornstar, but I doubt a ton of men actually want to be with ME - so I've decided to stick to the following rule:

No more personal-life sex until I'm at least engaged with a set wedding date.

That's right, now this rule may simply insure that no one ever dates me again, but oh well... I'd rather be alone, than be with a guy who doesn't really want to be with me.

Now I have to use the term "personal-life" in the rule because hey, I might do an adult movie here and there and will definitely be doing webcam shows (yea they're solo but I still consider that sex with myself - hehe).

The whole "commitmaphobic guy" thing is pathetic and out here in LA it's very common. I need a man who's in it for the long haul - marraige and family can be a cool phase of life and I want in! I have a feeling that I will wind up finding what I'm looking for.

Following this new rule will be difficult (though not impossible - I haven't been with anyone intimately since my ex and that was quite some time ago now), BUT as of late I've been feeling a lot more confident and self assured. I'm feeling more and more that I deserve the best, and the best for me is someone who wants a strong, solid future and family with me. I suppose I better go chastity belt shopping tomorrow.